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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Worried Dh is too aggressive around Dd

164 replies

Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 10:54

and that it’s making her more aggressive

This morning as an example..Dd, 4 was downstairs whilst Dh was making her breakfast, all was happy & fine.
Dd is very strong willed and doesn’t listen to No at the moment. She started to say she wanted to wash up and got her step, Dh was saying no and that the water was too hot etc. The next thing I hear is Dd crying and saying that he hurt her and Dh telling her not to be silly. He said he’d picked her up off the step and moved her as the water was hot, but I can imagine he must’ve yanked her off judging by the said way she was crying?
Next, she’s getting dressed and he says she needs fresh knickers, she did as she’d got the same ones she wore yesterday out of the laundry basket, she started arguing that she didn’t. He went up to her wardrobe to get new knickers, the next thing I hear is Dh shouting at her to *Get out right now and her screaming and crying, apparently she’d tried to slam her wardrobe door on her hand as he was getting the knickers out.
Dh adores her, but can be quite aggressive in his mannerisms when angry, he’ll stomp around etc, the other week she came to me and said that daddy had slammed the door so that she was on the landing with no light on. She’d been trying to push the door open when he was on the toilet.
Admittedly, Dd is *V difficult at the moment, she just seems so angry all
the time and can be very hard work, it is hard to stay patient with her, but i’m so worried his way of being is making her worse or causing it

OP posts:
Original poster
Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 10:56

*On HIS hand

OP posts:
EmergentThoughts · 23/12/2022 10:56

He sounds scary.

She sounds like a normal 4yo child.

Tempone · 23/12/2022 10:56

He sounds like a toddler.

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 23/12/2022 11:00

He's moved her out of dangerous situations... how would you have removed her away from hot water?

Changechangychange · 23/12/2022 11:01

Sounds like he has boundaries and you don’t, so she comes crying to you when she gets told off?

DH is similar to your DH, and I am more easygoing (I do tell DS off, but I let low-level stuff go whereas DH doesn’t). So I do understand where you are coming from. But it sounds like your DH is telling your DD off for completely reasonable things, and she just doesn’t like it.

amylou8 · 23/12/2022 11:01

Should he have let her scald herself or shut his hand in the wardrobe? She sounds like a normal 4 year old, he sounds like he's not pandering to her tantrums.

Original poster
Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 11:02

@Changechangychange But he’s too aggressive in the way he does it

OP posts:
TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 23/12/2022 11:03

How is he 'too aggressive' ?

What do you mean by that?

Original poster
Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 11:03

@TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree I don’t believe the water was red hot at all, he just has zero patience with her. He doesn’t let the little things go, he could have put some cold in and let her have a go at washing up, she just wanted to help, he’s constantly negative with his language and doesn’t let her help etc

OP posts:
ThePear · 23/12/2022 11:04

The child is being terrorised by that man.
‘Stomping about’, shouting, aggressive to her, slamming doors and physically manhandling her?
How will you keep her safe and prevent the psychological damage walking on eggshells causes?
What will you do when she discloses the mans behaviour at nursery/school?
Not questions to answer to me, just to think about, for your future if you stay with a man who you say is aggressive to your small child.

Original poster
Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 11:05

@TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree The way he reacts, I can imagine he grabbed her angrily and pulled her off…I can tell by the way she cried, she sounded really sad and kept saying that he hurt her, she isn’t like that with me.

OP posts:
saturnisturning · 23/12/2022 11:05

My four year old can act like someone has shot him if you move him out the way or ask him not to do something

if she tried to slam his fingers in a wardrobe door then I’d have done the same tbh. Sometimes strong willed kids are a pain in the arse

ThePear · 23/12/2022 11:06

This child doesn’t do it with the non aggressive parent though

Original poster
Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 11:06

@amylou8 But surely there are ways of dealing with it?

OP posts:
TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 23/12/2022 11:06

Well op you need to make a decision then don't you

Asthebellcurves · 23/12/2022 11:07

I think it’s interesting and relevant that you imagine he is behaving aggressively, there is a reason you make that assumption in those contexts. Is he ever intimidating toward you, or frightening in a way that would have scared you as a child but perhaps doesn’t as an adult?

ThatshallotBaby · 23/12/2022 11:07

Can you talk to him or is he too defensive? Can you picture talking to him about this? What do you think the outcome would be?

bloodyplanes · 23/12/2022 11:08

I don't think this level of disobedience is normal for a four year old! A 2-3 year old maybe but not a four year old! He sounds like he is extremely frustrated with it!

Original poster
Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas · 23/12/2022 11:08

@ThePear She can be very hard work with me too at the moment, she never used to be like this.
It could be a phase with her age and it *Is v hard to keep patient with her at the moment, she’s so strong, but surely expressing more aggression is only teaching her that?
He says she’s spoilt and gets away with things

OP posts:
bloodyplanes · 23/12/2022 11:09

ThePear · 23/12/2022 11:06

This child doesn’t do it with the non aggressive parent though

Because it very much comes across like the " non aggressive" parent lets her do as she pleases!

TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree · 23/12/2022 11:09

Is she spoilt?
Is she getting away with too much?

UnpackThisMess · 23/12/2022 11:10

ThePear · 23/12/2022 11:04

The child is being terrorised by that man.
‘Stomping about’, shouting, aggressive to her, slamming doors and physically manhandling her?
How will you keep her safe and prevent the psychological damage walking on eggshells causes?
What will you do when she discloses the mans behaviour at nursery/school?
Not questions to answer to me, just to think about, for your future if you stay with a man who you say is aggressive to your small child.

Wtf this is so OTT!! You are being ridiculous and this is why there's so many young people these days with the inability to be able to handle when others say no or they don't get their own way 🙄

Stressedmum2017 · 23/12/2022 11:10

Sounds like she has worked out exactly how to play you op. Some kids can totally turn the drama on when it suits. Her trying to slam the door on his hand I'm not surprised he told her to get out?? Even if it was angrily thats what happens when you physically try to hurt someone.
I take it this is your eldest? You should probably wise up or she will be running rings round you.

JoyBeorge · 23/12/2022 11:10

I'm reading she's trying to get at water that's too hot and could burn her, trying to slam doors on his fingers, trying to push doors open while he's on the toilet? He may well be frustrated but it seems a stretch that his frustration is causing her not to listen and to do things which can hurt her and other people? It's difficult as new parents as we often see our partners parenting as wrong and our as right but maybe some joined up work is needed here. Slamming doors on people's fingers, trying to get access to hot water and pushing the loo door open while someone is on the loo is probably not going to get a fluffy reaction. Some things need a firm voice when I child isn't listening, particularly if they could be hurt by not listening.

MichelleScarn · 23/12/2022 11:11

So would you let her slam your hand in a door and put her hands in too hot water to appease her and stay the 'nice' one?