Worried Dh is too aggressive around Dd

[Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas]

and that it’s making her more aggressive

This morning as an example..Dd, 4 was downstairs whilst Dh was making her breakfast, all was happy & fine.
Dd is very strong willed and doesn’t listen to No at the moment. She started to say she wanted to wash up and got her step, Dh was saying no and that the water was too hot etc. The next thing I hear is Dd crying and saying that he hurt her and Dh telling her not to be silly. He said he’d picked her up off the step and moved her as the water was hot, but I can imagine he must’ve yanked her off judging by the said way she was crying?
Next, she’s getting dressed and he says she needs fresh knickers, she did as she’d got the same ones she wore yesterday out of the laundry basket, she started arguing that she didn’t. He went up to her wardrobe to get new knickers, the next thing I hear is Dh shouting at her to *Get out right now and her screaming and crying, apparently she’d tried to slam her wardrobe door on her hand as he was getting the knickers out.
Dh adores her, but can be quite aggressive in his mannerisms when angry, he’ll stomp around etc, the other week she came to me and said that daddy had slammed the door so that she was on the landing with no light on. She’d been trying to push the door open when he was on the toilet.
Admittedly, Dd is *V difficult at the moment, she just seems so angry all
the time and can be very hard work, it is hard to stay patient with her, but i’m so worried his way of being is making her worse or causing it

Do you have a dishwasher?
Run the water cooler and let her help with washing up. "Aggressive" is not a good way to be a parent. Maybe she picks it up from him.

OP, you need to discuss modelling dealing with anger appropriately with him. I would approach it from that point of view and come up with some strategies together.

Small children are frustrating, but he needs a better way of dealing with it. That might be stepping away in some situations: I've definitely had to take myself away when I am getting angry or physically hurt or feel I might become too rough.

Try approaching it from that angle with him first. Yes, she is difficult at the moment: how can you plan a shared approach?

That’s my feeling too tbh. You can discipline without frightening or hurting children. It is possible.

@AppleDumplingWithCustard I’m not a dramatic person, i’m pretty calm and chilled, these are regular occurrences in our house since she turned 4. Was great before then

If you didn't see bin lift her you can't know and she does sound like she doesn't like being told no , which she has to learn quickly really
You need to observe when your there and discuss other strategies to manage behaviour and be on the same page

The examples you've given aren't very helpful as you did not witness them and therefore they're open to interpretation.

Only you can assess whether he's being actually aggressive or if your daughter's reactions (or potential overreactions) are influencing your anxiety around this. It sounds to me from your follow up posts that you've very clear his aggression is unacceptable which means you must be seeing him being overly rough with her.

I think you know what you have to do.

Nothing you’ve said sounds bad though. He’s explaining to her and then when she says no/doesn’t listen removing her from situation or telling her off.
I’d have been extremely annoyed at a child deliberately hurting me by shutting hand in wardrobe door.
It sounds like she knows you are a soft touch and is playing up.
Obviously if you see him being rough then that’s unacceptable but it’s you imagining it based on her dramatics.
She needs to know no means no - it’s a safety issue. No the water is hot - means don’t touch. She’s ignored him so he’s moved her from the danger. Next time it could be a car, broken glass etc.
I don’t have tolerance for faffing and pandering.
Obviously if he’s deliberately hurting her that’s totally unacceptable but expecting her to do as she’s told and dealing with it if not sounds fine. He’s speaking to her first quite clearly with explanation- it’s hot, knickers dirty not just do as I say.

I'm surprised that so many think this behaviour is ok. There are ways and means to achieve the same end and aggression is never the right choice with a child.

I don't know why posters are assuming the DD always gets her way with the OP, or that she doesn't know what aggression looks like?!

@YellowTreeHouse So I’m just a shit parent though?
We had zero issues with behaviour or discipline until around 4 and starting school..how could we have been doing it right for 4 years, then wrong all of a sudden.
I admit I’m at a loss right now as she was pretty easygoing, happy and even tempered until then

@bloodyplanes thats how im seeing it, she said he should of let her wash up and added cold etc so would avoid the situation of saying no
Sometimes you do that other times you don't have time
Its easy to not have to deal with challenging behaviour if you always give in

Pre-schoolers being aggressive and having tantrums. Not being able to make sound judgments and moderate behaviors.
Who'd of thunk it?🙄

You clearly weren’t doing it right for 4 years or else this wouldn’t have happened.

The issues just hasn’t arisen yet.

Look you need to talk to each other about this. Read some parenting books, talk about how stressful it is to parent a strong willed child, agree on strategies you can use together. It sounds like she's very demanding, which can test anyone's patience. The only way to stop her from being too demanding is to agree boundaries with your DH, communicate them clearly with your daughter and what the consequences will be if she pushes them.

@YellowTreeHouse I’m guessing you’re a perfect parent and have all the answers in life? Perfectly behaved children and a perfectly happy life? That’s great and I’m pleased for you, but life isn’t like that for everyone.
Do you possibly have any advice, so the post could be kind and helpful at all? Or did you just want to tell me I’ve spent 4 years being a crap parent and doing everything wrong?

non of what he actually did sounds bad to me, and in those circumstances even the things you imagined don’t sound that bad to me.
for him, I imagine it’s frustrating if he feels like he’s the only one trying to manage her behaviour. The parenting you’ve described from yourself doesn’t sound that helpful to me.

but youre imagining the worst of him, and taking the 4 year olds words over your partners. it sounds like he doesn’t have your support, you’re not a parenting unit, and dd knows that. I’d find that frustrating if i was him.

however I wouldn’t assume the worst of DH for no reason, and I think I’d know my DC well enough to know when they were actually hurt by someone or when they were being a bit dramatic. so if your gut and your child are telling you your child is in danger with this man, then you should probably act on that.

It's common for children's behaviour to change when they start school. How would you have liked him to deal with these instances? Your both on very different pages regarding parenting - that needs to change or it will only get worse.

Sounds to me OP like you give in to your DD just to make your life easier for the next 10 minutes and you're oblivious that, in doing so, you are actually making your life much harder for the next 10 years. It doesn't matter how strong willed a 4 year old is they should never be able to dominate a parent, and if they can then the parent needs to get a grip and be the adult.

If this is what you truly believe then you have a very serious problem because you are suggesting he is hurting her to teach her a lesson.

See this is where you’re going wrong. There is a middle ground between poorly behaved children and perfectly behaved children.

Nobody has a perfect child because that’s impossible. But I do spend the time and the hard work in order to ensure she is a well behaved, civilised member of society that people enjoy being around.

If you don’t have boundaries, if you give in to any tantrum, if you let kids have free reign, this is exactly what happens.

Having children isn’t easy, and trying to take the easy route early on leads to challenging behaviours like you’re seeing now later on.

She's obviously not scared of him if she's trying to slam a door on his hand, is she?

@IhearyouClemFandango because in both examples she wasn't there to see
If my child tried to shut my door in the wardrobe i would shout and tell them to leave , also sometimes it can be a snap judgement as they have been on and on at you all day
I don't know what this nee thing is with never raising a voice to a child ever
Yes not screaming and shouting but an occasional raised voice
My kids are 19/17 now but have turned out well rounded, we would of occasionally shouted when warranted but granted at 4 mine also weren't that defiant all in all.
If OP really thinks he is actually aggressive then there is only one choice really isn't there

@YellowTreeHouse But I don’t do any of those things and never have done? Where have I ever said that? I’ve put a hell of a lot of work into *Parenting my child, I just don’t use aggression to do it

It sounds to me as though she’s having to adjust to school. When is her birthday?

Have you been gentle parenting OP or what techniques have you been using?

@ThatshallotBaby She’s a July baby