Worried Dh is too aggressive around Dd

[Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas]

and that it’s making her more aggressive

This morning as an example..Dd, 4 was downstairs whilst Dh was making her breakfast, all was happy & fine.
Dd is very strong willed and doesn’t listen to No at the moment. She started to say she wanted to wash up and got her step, Dh was saying no and that the water was too hot etc. The next thing I hear is Dd crying and saying that he hurt her and Dh telling her not to be silly. He said he’d picked her up off the step and moved her as the water was hot, but I can imagine he must’ve yanked her off judging by the said way she was crying?
Next, she’s getting dressed and he says she needs fresh knickers, she did as she’d got the same ones she wore yesterday out of the laundry basket, she started arguing that she didn’t. He went up to her wardrobe to get new knickers, the next thing I hear is Dh shouting at her to *Get out right now and her screaming and crying, apparently she’d tried to slam her wardrobe door on her hand as he was getting the knickers out.
Dh adores her, but can be quite aggressive in his mannerisms when angry, he’ll stomp around etc, the other week she came to me and said that daddy had slammed the door so that she was on the landing with no light on. She’d been trying to push the door open when he was on the toilet.
Admittedly, Dd is *V difficult at the moment, she just seems so angry all
the time and can be very hard work, it is hard to stay patient with her, but i’m so worried his way of being is making her worse or causing it

@Asthebellcurves He has a temper and is often uptight and lacking in patience

Tell him to just dial back the volume and the physical force.
He’s being reasonable physically removing her from situations he perceives as dangerous and telling her no/stop.
But the shouting and excessive force and unhelpful and scary. He needs to find some patience. She’s going to do things he doesn’t like and needs to stop. All day long. That’s fine. She’ll get it eventually but it takes patience. 4 year olds have poor impulse control still.
Redirection helps. So she can’t wash up because the water is hot? Maybe she can help dry with a tea towel (no knives or precious crockery obviously but perhaps her own plate and cutlery?) Or put some cold water in the sink so it’s safe.
She needs clean knickers. Get two pairs. Give her a choice of which she wants. Or just start talking about something else and dress her at the same time - what are you doing at school today? Do you want to make biscuits this afternoon? Did you know we’re going to see Aunty at her house tomorrow?

Is he actually though (as in, you have witnessed it yourself), or are you assuming he is being too aggressive based on your daughter kicking off about it?

I can imagine he must’ve yanked her off judging by the said way she was crying

If that is what you are going on (and her crying he had “shut her in the hallway in the dark” when he’d actually just stopped her from barging in on him on the toilet), you need to bear in mind that children are very over-dramatic at this age when they are told off.

You need to talk to him, and find a middle way. Can you do this?

@ThatshallotBaby Ive said to him that he needs to be more gentle with her and there are ways of dealing with it etc, he just reiterates how she is and how she can’t act the way she does..I agree she can’t, but don’t agree with his reactions

This is completely normal for a 4 year old, they get very aggressive and frustrated at this age and it lasts usually til around 8. There's a lot of hormones flying about too and they are very strong willed particularly once they start school. DH probably didn't want his 4 year old daughter watching him having a poo which I can understand and I imagine asked her to leave and she refused hence the door being closed. I very much doubt it was 'slammed' in her face etc. You need to talk to your DH and support him and come together to manage how your daughter is, otherwise she'll become completely intolerant of the word No. You just pandering to her all the time like the washing up will backfire when you need to be somewhere on time and tell her no.

So kind of begs the question as to why you had a kid with him??

Because her crystal ball was broken @TheLittlestLightOnTheXmasTree

Ask him how to go forward. Ask him why he thinks she’s spoilt. Ask him what he’s going to do the next time dd isn’t compliant.

No crystal ball is needed if he's showing you who he is from the start..

She sounds like my 2 year old OP. I think she’s being allowed too much leeway by you and he’s probably frustrated that when he tells her off she runs crying to you.

Trying to slam a door shut on my hand?Immediately moved out of the way (regardless of age!)

A 4 year old told not to open a toilet door but repeatedly doing so? I would also eventually raise my voice and probably shove the door shut out of frustration.

Not listening about hot water? Doesn’t matter if you think it was hot enough or not, he has said it is. She should have been removed from the step and waited for cold water to be added then allowed back on. You saying he could have just added cold water is undermining him, no wonder he gets annoyed.

Sounds like she knows you will side with her. She needs firmer instructions.

General stomping round and shouting from him I wouldn’t accept, and would tell him to stop being a grumpy arse. But that’s a separate issue to her not listening and needing firmer instructions.

If you're already an upright character and you e then got a 4 year old slamming your fingers in doors, barging in the loo while your having a crap and trying to plunge herself in hot water when you already said no, you're probably going to get a bit frustrated. I would be asking why she isn't listening at this stage I think.bcould it be because he's right and she does get away with too much?

This. She really shouldn't be ruling the roost. No way would I have accepted her barging into the toilet at 4 years old. I think you maybe need to toughen up a bit with her and then your dh can lighten up.

So you have a stubborn 4yr, an over indulgent mother who gives in too readily and a father who is trying to stop her hurting herself and others by parenting her PLUS you are taking a 4yr old opinion over each instance without being there yourself to witness it...and he's in the wrong?

Wow. Wait until she's at school full time, I pity those teachers having to deal with you.

@Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas, didn’t think the water was too hot. Dh overreacted.

She 'thinks'...she wasn't there
He 'knows' he WAS there....

She never said she checked it either so how did she know for certain? DH actually filled the bowl so he would actually know.

It's not ok for him to be acting like that with a 4 year old

It's awful in fact, she doesn't know what's she's doing she's not an adult, imagine how scary that must feel to her, the person who is meant to love her the most is acting like that with her. Awful man

@Pixiedust1234 I discipline & parent her, I just don’t slam doors on her, storm around, yank her off things etc

She’s at school, she’s great there and I have a good relationship with her teacher who is lovely

She tried to slam his hand in the wardrobe? I think he is right to be cross with her that's unacceptable behaviour, so stop enabling her. She needs boundaries, you need to support your husband as he is keeping her safe. If you stop criticising him and have his back, you can say I agree with disciplining her but please sound less angry. 4 is old enough to be aware this behaviour isn't good. She must understand no, and consequences.

When I read that she’s often angry I thought hmmmmm I wonder where she gets that from……!! 🤷‍♀️🙄 Your dh is an arse.

It could be that you actually let her do as she wants because you're scared of her reaction whilst he doesn't, as who wants a child scalded (that's exactly why children have to follow a no, so they don't get hurt), their hand broken by a door being slammed on them or having them insist upon charging in whilst on the toilet? Children can and do scream as though they're being murdered and claim they've been hurt when they haven't got their own way.

I know I never did, because not only would being moved not even register as being hurt, I was too scared of her reaction to tell anybody what my mother was doing to me - and I wouldn't have dared to try getting into a room she didn't want me in, much less try to hurt her because she would have battered me. But I did see both as a child and as an adult, children saying such things even when the person they were accusing wasn't even in the same house, never mind room - up to and including if they got a detention, they'd tell their Mum that the teacher hit or touched them.

But I also know that my childhood experiences aren't normal, so perhaps you are supposed to accommodate everything and have them observe you wiping your arse, take over washing up/play in the water for half an hour and then you empty the bowl, refill, then wash up, and let them wear dirty clothes/slam doors on your hand without anything more than a 'that's not very nice, darling'.

My experience is obviously not a universal one, but this is how things started out with my now ex DH. overly aggressive but in a way that was explained away and brushed over by outsiders, making me think i was over reacting and being to laxed as a parent while he was "just firm" and had boundaries. but then eventually it escalated, he yanked her too hard (she didn't want to go to bed - she was 4 and obviously challanging at bed time, but he never worked with her - like you said getting her to help, distracting her, making it a game or a race etc, always worked against her, causing or esclating her behaviour) hurt her arm badly, lied and covered it up (I was at work) and she couldn't ay properly I nursery the next day, told her teacher what happened and social services got involved. We have now separated and he doesn't have unsupervised contact of the kids. He never intentially set out to hurt them, but had no patience and was too aggressive in his actions, words and behaviours - yanking too roughly, snapping angrily, reacting quickly and meanly like your example of slamming doors and leaving them in the dark. Trust your instincts, I wish I had sooner. You can see yourself how quick and easy other people are to explain it away, but it is abusive and damaging behaviour.

Grown-up who can’t handle their emotions, but expect a four year old too?

Basically you both need to meet in the middle. At the moment his attitude is annoying you and yours is annoying him. Work together and modify both your attitudes.