Worried Dh is too aggressive around Dd

[Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas]

and that it’s making her more aggressive

This morning as an example..Dd, 4 was downstairs whilst Dh was making her breakfast, all was happy & fine.
Dd is very strong willed and doesn’t listen to No at the moment. She started to say she wanted to wash up and got her step, Dh was saying no and that the water was too hot etc. The next thing I hear is Dd crying and saying that he hurt her and Dh telling her not to be silly. He said he’d picked her up off the step and moved her as the water was hot, but I can imagine he must’ve yanked her off judging by the said way she was crying?
Next, she’s getting dressed and he says she needs fresh knickers, she did as she’d got the same ones she wore yesterday out of the laundry basket, she started arguing that she didn’t. He went up to her wardrobe to get new knickers, the next thing I hear is Dh shouting at her to *Get out right now and her screaming and crying, apparently she’d tried to slam her wardrobe door on her hand as he was getting the knickers out.
Dh adores her, but can be quite aggressive in his mannerisms when angry, he’ll stomp around etc, the other week she came to me and said that daddy had slammed the door so that she was on the landing with no light on. She’d been trying to push the door open when he was on the toilet.
Admittedly, Dd is *V difficult at the moment, she just seems so angry all
the time and can be very hard work, it is hard to stay patient with her, but i’m so worried his way of being is making her worse or causing it

@C8H10N4O2 She started in mid September, there was definitely a change when starting school…we’ll see how she is over these Christmas hols

@Wheresthebeach I agree, I always explain why and she is a little better, but can be so stubborn and tries to push ahead with whatever she wants, then it becomes a stand off and I end up getting frustrated and sometimes lose my temper, then she cries, I don’t give in though. We end up going through the same thing a few days later or whenever

This thread is nuts.
OP you don’t sound wet or like a useless ineffectual parent at all. It sounds like he expects unquestioning obedience and has no idea how to deal with your DD when she’s uncooperative.
I think a pp’s comment about the good cop/bad cop trap is probably right on the money.
Your husband is putting reasonable boundaries in place but he’s doing it in a very combative way and he’s not providing your DD with an alternative. It’s very ´No!’ ´but why?’ ´Because I said so!’ This is not an approach I like and it’s not one that is terribly effective in my experience.
At the same time you musn’t let your dislike of his aggressive discipline techniques undermine his ability to set reasonable boundaries as a parent.
Basically, don’t throw the baby out with the bathwater. Back him up when he says no, but model the next step - No, not now - later (I want a biscuit! Not now. You can have one at snack time when we go to the park.) - No, not that, this. (Can I wash the dishes. No, but you can help dry them. Can I do the vacuuming? No, but you can use your toy vaccuum to help). Or sometimes No - absolutely not. It’s dangerous. Change subject. (Can I play with the logs in the fire. No. Absolutely not. Let’s go upstairs and have a bath now).
And tell him he needs to dial back the agression. He doesn’t need it. He’s twice her size and she knows he’s in charge. He shouldn’t ever be physically manhandling her in a way that causes pain. This isn’t that hard. You pick small children up under the arms. Or under the knees and under the back. Tucking a tantrumming child under your arm is a safe way to move them out of a dangerous situation and he can likely still do this with a 4year old pretty easily. Or he can put her over his shoulder fireman’s lift style. No arm yanking needing.
Ignore posters saying this isn’t normal behavior for a small child. It absolutely is. Most kids start this a little earlier than 4 (terrible twos, threenagers) but a 4year old going through this stage isn’t exactly shocking.

It’s plain as day why he’s losing his temper - clearly he's entitled to lose his temper. That's it isn't it, the sense of complete entitlement and the support that so many men receive to have it. I'm about to split with STBExH and our Relate counsellor asked him if he would behave at work the way he has with me and our DCs and he said "well no of course not, but I'm entitled to do it in my own home" and she said "no you're not" (cue outrage). I wish I'd left him years ago and my DCs now teens still talk about incidents like the ones OP is referring to here. The most heartbreaking thing was when coming back from Relate my youngest (now 19) asked me "did he apologise?" - she was talking about her dad shouting at her in the car one day 5 years ago. These events are burned into her memory.

I've also talked about times I lost my temper (and there was no time when I was ENTITLED to do that either) and DCs have said "but its different when a man is shouting at us".

This is a 4 year old. He clearly has no patience with her at best. So yes OP, you are right be concerned and you need to act on it and see how that plays out, what his explanation is, can you find a way forward, a better way of parenting or understanding. If not, then you have some hard choices to make. Is he like this with you, is he generally an angry person? That's your starting point. With only one DC he is like this, what will happen when you have the demands of another one (sorry if I am wrong to assume that's going to be the case).

You can ignore the crying when you’ve said no and she’s gotten frustrated. Just wait for her to get over it. Give her a hug if she comes over wanting one. If not just carry on with whatever you’re doing and encourage her to move on to something else once she’s calmish again.

I think she may be overwhelmed at school, where she has to behave and has little autonomy. So at home she is trying to be in charge. Could you talk to dh about this?
She would have been one of the younger ones in reception year, and at four, 6 months is a long time in terms of development.

Also just to add- please ignore some of the ridonkulous comments on here. Your DD is 4. This is normal behaviour and you're not parenting her wrong. It's lovely that you want her to be able to explore.

I would not like it if he was being physical with her I think you need to witness that to know if that's the case as kids often will say they have been hurt even if she is just moved out of the way in an appropriate way. I think the shouting is unhelpful. I had a child with asd and learnt to really never raise my voice even under extreme provocation so it can be done. I did it because being angry made their behaviour worse. However you need your dh to be on board.

If she's in immediate danger about about to hurt herself or someone else, I don't see how he has any other choice to yank her quickly away from the danger.

My little one let go of my hand once and started to dart toward a busy road and I immediately grabbed her arm and sharply pulled her back...and yes she cried because it hurt. But it was that or run into the road.

No loving parent ever wants to hurt their children but in an emergency you sometimes have to grab or quickly pull them out of danger.

Sounds like he just wanted to wash up and has had enough of her not listening. He's trying to get on, trying to remove fingers from doors and water and knows he's going to get accusing vibes from his partner.

It sounds like she's getting mixed messages and that's why she pushes. When she wants to do something, you let her, he doesn't, but she remembers you let her, so she pushes him to let her, but he stays firm, gets annoyed, snaps, then she gets upset. Then when you sometimes don't let her, she pushes you too because she remembers times when you've let her, then you get annoyed, snap, then she gets upset. She needs to learn to accept the first "no".

I haven't read the responses.

Ultimately it seems you have an issue with the fact that he reacts differently to you. The hallway light thing sounds out of order but it also sounds like it wasn't an intended consequence and he was just at the end of his tether.

Men do come across as different to women when angry. It's just naturally so as they're bigger and louder. I've mentioned this to my DP and he understands so he does temper his reactions but we have 3 young ones and the youngest is in a terrible two stage so losing patience does happen.

It doesn't sound like your DP is deliberately being unusually harsh with her and deliberately or not, is not doing anything awful.

Ultimately I'd say it's a case of you both finding more effective ways of the discipline side of parenting. My DS is really "spirited" and struggles to listen, is full of energy all the time and needs to be channelled. He'd still not deliberately try and slam a draw on my hand.

But also, kids around this age are bloody hard work. Sounds like she's stressing you both and you're blaming each other, it will pass

I don't think anyone can really say op is wet and passive or DH is aggressive. From a tiny snippet of someone's life we cannot form an accurate opinion.

Op only you know they dynamic, if you feel he is aggressive then talk to him, sit him down and explain clearly what your issues are, hopefully together you can understand each others positions and come to a compromise.
The examples you've given are a bit more specific though and I could understand his reaction, however if he behaves that way in general then I agree there is a problem that needs sorting.

Best of luck.

Except she's 4..

Well, that's subjective. You know your DH better than anyone on here, so it is hard to judge.

My reading of the two situations is that he stopped DD from hurting herself - twice - and might have been a bit too vocal about it - but children at your DD's age are often pushing boundaries, and parents do need to step in and save them from danger.

It isn't as though he hit her. You're just unhappy because he shouted at DD. You probably would not have done so. I think you should discuss this with him calmly and peacefully, not accusing him in any way, but telling him there is no need to raise his voice so much when dealing with your DD.

Children at that age are known for being disobedient and not understanding danger.

Hmmm I’m torn
it does sound like you’ve fallen into nice mummy strict daddy territory
it’s easy enough done
my friend once dislocated her 3yos elbow pulling her back from literally running across an A road. She would have been hit 100% if not. She had to take her to a&E and have a grilling and her mum who was very ‘nice grandma who spoils the kids’ was telling her off saying she is too rough and needs more Patience etc but what was she supposed to do let her be run over ?

the washing up example I think dh prob just wanted to get it done quickly and out the way instead of dd getting her step, making the water colder and therefore less effective for washing, letting her spend 5 mins washing a cup, getting soaked, changing her clothes etc. It can be a lovely thing to fill the sink with bubbles and let them wash a few plastic cups etc but it’s more of an activity in our house not actually just joining in when the real washing up involving proper plates, glass etc is being done i think it has the potential to be dangerous and is a faff

the wardrobe thing. Would you have let her wear the dirty pants or would you have ‘reasoned’ with her. I think he probably did lose his rag in this situation and could have done better

the toilet thing I totally get people on here and people I know in real life go for a poo with their toddlers and babies literally sat on them, one of my friends breastfeeds whilst she poos as her son screams when she puts him in his cot (perfectly safely) and nips in the loo. I have never done this as it takes 5 mins tops and no one is going to be traumatized at being left for 5 mins. Not even my 5 month old. dh is entitled to poo in peace . I think dd is old enough to understand the toilet is a private place and you should have a United front on That. Closing the door so she’s stood on the landing with no light on is not aggression and she didn’t need to cry about it.

child sounds spoilt and mum sounds like a nicey nicey parent 🙄🙄🙄

I think you need to stop looking at this as he is the bad parent, I am the good parent. That is only going to make things harder for everyone.

Instead you need to say, she is at a difficult stage, we are struggling, how can we work together to get through this. Likely you will both need to compromise a little to find a more consistent approach. Point out what you are doing that works and what you think you need to change in your approach and then ask him what he thinks about what is working / not working for him. Then work together. You need to be a team and not finger pointing and critical if you are going to get on the same page or change anything in a positive way.

Again, why do you think a four year old should have more self-control than a grown man?

Abuse comes in lots of different forms. He doesn’t have to hit her to be aggressive.

Your DH sounds a bit like mine, but I’d describe mine as “emotionally honest”.

While I will grit my teeth when the DCs are driving me up the wall and do my best to remain breezy, he’ll be absolutely honest about how their behaviour is making him feel.

They’re teens now and no - they’re not “aggressive” for having had plenty of tellings off.

When they were little, I don’t think they ever once had a tantrum for their DDad, which I think was down to his boundaries being crystal clear.

It sounds to me like this: when Daddy says no it means no, but when Mummy says no it means she can ask again and mummy might give in or find a way to let her do it by bending the rules. Your daughter is getting confused.

Or because they were scared of his reaction.

We need to stop normalising aggression.

Would LOVE to hear the DH perspective on this!

If he treats her the way you're insinuating, then that's not aggression, that's abuse.
Yes, toddlers can be difficult and your patience can wear thin, but there's no need to scream and shout at them, and no way anyone should be laying a finger on them. Even if that's just 'yanking' them away from hot water.