Worried Dh is too aggressive around Dd

[Justwantsomepeaceforchristmas]

and that it’s making her more aggressive

This morning as an example..Dd, 4 was downstairs whilst Dh was making her breakfast, all was happy & fine.
Dd is very strong willed and doesn’t listen to No at the moment. She started to say she wanted to wash up and got her step, Dh was saying no and that the water was too hot etc. The next thing I hear is Dd crying and saying that he hurt her and Dh telling her not to be silly. He said he’d picked her up off the step and moved her as the water was hot, but I can imagine he must’ve yanked her off judging by the said way she was crying?
Next, she’s getting dressed and he says she needs fresh knickers, she did as she’d got the same ones she wore yesterday out of the laundry basket, she started arguing that she didn’t. He went up to her wardrobe to get new knickers, the next thing I hear is Dh shouting at her to *Get out right now and her screaming and crying, apparently she’d tried to slam her wardrobe door on her hand as he was getting the knickers out.
Dh adores her, but can be quite aggressive in his mannerisms when angry, he’ll stomp around etc, the other week she came to me and said that daddy had slammed the door so that she was on the landing with no light on. She’d been trying to push the door open when he was on the toilet.
Admittedly, Dd is *V difficult at the moment, she just seems so angry all
the time and can be very hard work, it is hard to stay patient with her, but i’m so worried his way of being is making her worse or causing it

He clearly needs to work on his patience, for her sake as its just locking horns but also for his sake. He is probably exasperated by her continous non-compliance to everything and the lack of authority and respect that is actually a fairly normal part of toddlerhood. Especially now we dont smack them into submission.
I think a proper talk between you about parenting strategies, supporting each other and how to manage this stage without throwing defiant toddlers out of the window.
Im so glad im past that stage

It does sound as if he is harsh with her.

It's also acceptable for him use the bathroom in peace (get a lock?), wash up without her "help" & get her clean pants without having his fingers trapped in the door.

I would probably have shouted at her to get out at that though.

Maybe if he calms down she will?

Have you seen that poem about how children learn from what they see?
Your DD will get angry and frustrated, that is normal, but her aggression will be amplified as your DH is modelling aggression. Instead this is the stage where parents normally model less aggressive ways to respond to frustration.

So - the water is too hot, wait until I add some cold - while gently blocking her accessing the sink with your body.
You can't come in the toilet go and choose a book and I will read it - and lock the door in future.
The knickers I would just have let go. But I would start choosing with her what she wears in the morning and setting it out the night before and then in the morning its - lets get dressed in what you chose the night before. I always make sure young kids cant physically reach into the laundry basket anyway.

I am not saying I am perfect I am not, you will still have times when your child gets frustrated and angry and you find it hard as a parent. But so much of what he is doing is avoidable. It sounds like he thinks he has to win and show her she has to obey him. That is not a good goal to try and achieve.

I post this lots but look at the incredible years programme. Me and dh did the zoom classes with a charity. It's very good. You can also buy book or audio book

I think it sounds like the tricky behaviour is because shes unsettled. Starting school is such a big deal. Shes trying out new ways to assert herself. How is she at school? Does she listen at school? Has she made any friends yet?

Sounds like she was in the first - going to get hurt, in the second - going to hurt him and in the third invading his privacy

I'd shout too

But how?

you weren’t there, you didn’t see anything, you’re taking the fact a 4 year old was upset to mean he was aggressive when moving her.

Fun fact, 4 year olds cry at the smallest thing, especially if told no

She is four years old!!
There are lots of ways to deal with things without always shouting. And 4 year olds do not understand privacy, you have to teach them it.

So what are the consequences for arguing against you? Generally they are doing this at 4 because there are none or people give in or give a different treat.

I have a child who will scream very loudly things like your hurting me ....when walking holding hands and he tries to pull away I'm not hurting him even when he pulls but he's learned his parents stop it then he's got what he wants.

I'd try positive stuff.....praise for listening, for some stickers and high fives really work. Lots of attention when being good.....save the consequences for serious stuff like slamming a hand in a door.

My friend's kid kicks off so much when told 'no' and is then pandered to I can't stand to be around him. In conclusion, 4yos are annoying as fuck but if you're parent to one, you should learn some patience.

Bollocks. It’s because they’ve only been alive for four turns around the sun and are yet to learn how to manage their emotions.

The grown adult on the other hand…

I think you sound like a good mum OP. Your daughter needs you , she is 4years old . There is no excuse for him handling her roughly or leaving her in the dark , that’s abuse ! Your gut is speaking to you ! Listen to it and your daughter ! Don’t doubt yourself ! ❤️