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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Am I in the wrong .

168 replies

Doughnutsarelush · 23/12/2022 07:15

Just need some advice here please . My other half moved in with me and my children . He has a child from previous who he has 50 percent of the time . My youngest has a severe weakness in her chest and is on asthma medication . Three times this month he’s child has came to my house when unwell and made my children all unwell and requiring the youngest to be hospitalised once through becoming unwell . On Tuesday child came round again when I was assured it was just a cough but child was very unwell , I had to try and keep my children away and my vunerable mum who lives with me . Child is expected to come here tonight and stay until tomorrow afternoon and come back Christmas Day Until Thursday, I am concerned about everyone becoming unwell again . Just for reference I adore my stepchild and do everything I can . Just wondered if anyone had some thoughts on what they would do in this situation . Thank you

OP posts:
Original poster
Doughnutsarelush · 23/12/2022 07:16

Just wanted to add I understand children become unwell and these things spread just heartbreaking to see my 4 year old struggling to breathe .

OP posts:
xmaslurgy · 23/12/2022 07:17

I think thems the breaks. You'll just have to live apart if you don't like it.

xmaslurgy · 23/12/2022 07:18

And I say that as a stepmum so I get where you're coming from.

BelenaConhamHarter · 23/12/2022 07:18

You are not wrong, but doing what's right is going to do a lot of damage. I think you can only prepare yourself for the fall out of either being the bogey man or having a load of sick people in the house.

Which would do least trouble?

ElbowsandArses · 23/12/2022 07:19

Part of your family. Do not attempt to exclude this child because they have a cough/cold or any illness if you want to continue your relationship. Do your best with infection control like you would if this were your own DC.

SmileWithADimple · 23/12/2022 07:19

Sorry OP but I don't think you can expect him not to see his child whenever they're poorly. Your child must be exposed to lots of bugs anyway at school?

Lkydfju · 23/12/2022 07:20

I think realistically you either need to accept this will happen or your partner moves back out and doesn’t bring his child round when you’re unwell as you can’t expect that the child doesn’t come round when unwell. The only agreement we ever had with DSDs mum was that if DD had a stomach bug we wouldn’t share between houses but colds etc we just got on with it.
my youngest was very vulnerable when she was a baby and a few times DH took DSD to his his parents framing it as treat to have a trip just them to avoid our DD becoming ill but we knew that wasn’t a long term solution

Purplelion · 23/12/2022 07:20

You just have to deal with it how you would deal with it if someone in your household 100% of the time was ill

UnicornMumcraft · 23/12/2022 07:20

If he lives with you then so does his child when they are together. Your only option really is to think what you would do if it were one of your children that was ill, hand washing, keeping a distance where you can etc. It’s really hard, but kids get ill and pass things onto each other.

Hawkins001 · 23/12/2022 07:20

Basically the biological hazard, would need decontamination and quarantine

Lkydfju · 23/12/2022 07:20

Sorry I meant when he’s living with you then you can’t expect him not to see his DD when ill

Whowhatwherewhenwhynow · 23/12/2022 07:21

when he moved in with you did you discuss how that works with childcare for his child?

my perspective is- given he is 50/50 that means 50% of the responsibility for caring for his child when she is poorly and not just having her 50% only when she is well.

I totally understand you don’t want Illness from outside when it sounds like you have vulnerable people in the house. However I would view this as no different than another household member bringing in an illness from school/work. What happens when you get ill or your partner or one of your children? You just accept it.

Hawkins001 · 23/12/2022 07:21

I already made the pickle and spread bugs recently

LorenzoVonMatterhorn · 23/12/2022 07:21

Children get sick. My ds has been sick three times this past few weeks. There is little you can do to keep children away from siblings.

When did he move in? How long have you been together?

that schedule for that child sounds awful, poor kid. Less than 24 hrs at dad’s this time? Why is that the contact pattern? Who benefits?

Believeitornot · 23/12/2022 07:22

Well I guess I would take basic hygiene precautions in the home - keep the air clean by opening the windows, keep surfaces clean and hand washing. Encourage sneezing/coughing into their elbow. Yes even in winter! My DH has covid so we are doing this as I don’t want it again.

girlmom21 · 23/12/2022 07:23

You can't blend families then exclude his child.

someonecookmydinnerplease · 23/12/2022 07:23

He can't not have his child because it's ill. He's the parent, he has to parent during his share of the time and that includes looking after an ill child.
If that doesn't work due to your concern about your child then you need to live apart. His priority should be parenting his child not yours.

Alumpyreflection · 23/12/2022 07:23

Agree with others there's not much you can do. Kids can be little germ bags with repeated coughs and colds! Just encourage everyone to wash their hands lots and you can also spray Dettol/antibacterial spray around rooms which is good at killing bugs lingering in the air.

Y7drama · 23/12/2022 07:23

I think 50/50 means 50% of the time when the dc is ill, not just well. Unfortunately I don’t think there is much you can do.

luckylavender · 23/12/2022 07:23

Tricky OP but if he lives with you now & he has his DD 50% of the time, then you have to learn to manage it.

Spiderboy · 23/12/2022 07:25

Your partner is still a dad when his child is ill…. Maybe you shouldn’t live together if this is such a concern

Mrschristmasqueen · 23/12/2022 07:26

As someone with a child with an airway disorder who has been hospitalised many times, I understand where you're coming from wanting to protect them. However, you chose to move in together knowing he has a child 50% of the time. You can't expect that child to not see their dad just because they are unwell. If he has them 50% of the time then he has them through good and bad. If its such a deal breaker then you need to live separately.

Ansumpasty · 23/12/2022 07:26

That’s tricky. I’d feel the same as you but unfortunately not a lot you can do as they’re your step child.
I would probably use that anti viral nasal spray from Boots on my own children, up their vitamins/probiotics and give them elderberry syrup. Then again, I’m crazy and excessive as my kids being ill triggers bad anxiety for me.
Buy the kid tissues, encourage coughing into arm sleeve, etc. Can you spend most time outdoors?

custardbear · 23/12/2022 07:29

You just treat the step child exactly the same way you treat yourself and your children when you're unwell around your child with asthma

carefulcalculator · 23/12/2022 07:29

Your partner has achild who is with them 50% of the time. Where do you expect the child to be on days they are unwell??

You are being unreasonable, this is what a blended family is.