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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's dead and I don't know what to do?

170 replies

Mahanii · 22/12/2022 08:59

A man I've been dating for the last 10 weeks (so not boyfriend or anything remotely committed) text yesterday morning to say he'd tested positive with covid and was feeling awful and getting into bed with his electric blanket on and all his clothes on. He was last online at 2pm and hasn't replied to my last 2 messages. This morning I thought I should call him and he didn't answer. I'm starting to think he might not be ok, he lives alone and I don't know any of his friends or family who could check on him. He's been asleep for 19 hours with no contact and possibly overheating.
Any sensible suggestions for what I can do?

OP posts:
ShirleyPhallus · 22/12/2022 14:02

It’s threads like this that really do women a disservice. Can’t imagine there are similar threads on pistonheads or whatever the equivalent is for men

2bazookas · 22/12/2022 14:04

He's no doubt sleeping. and feeling to ill to bother with your messages.

Modern electric blankets are made to be safe to use while sleeping. The thermostat will prevent overheating.

HighAsAKiteAgain · 22/12/2022 14:08

Is he vaccinated? Assuming he is, I'd be more worried than if he's not.

I assume you've all seen the statistics (not the ones the government is pushing on you. The real ones.)

adriftabroad · 22/12/2022 14:10

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 13:13

I just genuinely don't think it's a caring gesture to go to someone's home, uninvited, with stuff they haven't asked for, when you know that person is unwell and resting in bed.

It would be different if you'd had plans and they hadn't shown up, but in this case, OP knows he's unwell and that he's gone to bed - he really doesn't need to be checked up on and brought "supplies" after such a short period of time!

I would be pretty pissed off if I was sick in bed and someone turned up banging on my door because I hadn't contacted them in a whole 19 hours.

Show quote history

100% agree with lobster.

I think this is pushing your own agenda. He wants to be left inpeace, in privacy.

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 14:14

I just genuinely don't think it's a caring gesture to go to someone's home, uninvited, with stuff they haven't asked for, when you know that person is unwell and resting in bed

Last time I had flu (the nasty one of winter 1999) I was so ill I was crawling on all fours to the loo. I'd have been distinctly unimpressed to have to get to the front door to collect 'stuff' I couldn't eat anyway, however kind the thought behind it.

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 14:24

MrsDanversGlidesAgain · 22/12/2022 14:14

I just genuinely don't think it's a caring gesture to go to someone's home, uninvited, with stuff they haven't asked for, when you know that person is unwell and resting in bed

Last time I had flu (the nasty one of winter 1999) I was so ill I was crawling on all fours to the loo. I'd have been distinctly unimpressed to have to get to the front door to collect 'stuff' I couldn't eat anyway, however kind the thought behind it.

I think you put it better than me!

If someone is so unwell they're not in contact by text, they're not going to be well enough to come and answer the door, or eat the soup and "supplies" you've brought with you.

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 14:26

Cornettoninja · 22/12/2022 13:18

Fair enough @thelobsterquadrille, different strokes for different folks and all that. I would suggest it’d be quite unlikely then for you to pair up with someone with a vastly different outlook.

I have popped round to various friends houses and vice versa just to lend a bit of support or drop supplies if someone’s struggling/ill. We don’t generally hang about interrogating one another, it’s just a show of affection and checking they don’t need any extra help.

I would just find it incredibly bizarre if, after telling someone I was unwell and resting, that person took it upon themselves to come to my home, uninvited, to make sure I hadn't died Hmm

I think a friend is a bit different, just like a long-term partner of a year or so would be a different scenario too.

JinglingXmasbells · 22/12/2022 14:32

@HighAsAKiteAgain

First, you say Covid doesn't exist, then you say he is worse off if he's vaccinated. There must be an anti-vaxer forum for you someone out there.

emptythelitterbox · 22/12/2022 14:34

I think popping over with a few supplies is fine.

A co-worker did that for me and it was so kind. She only stayed 5 minutes. When she left I broke down in tears at the kindness as I was so unwell and in the country alone.

greenhousegal · 22/12/2022 14:38

Just stick a note under his door or in letterbox then leave immediately. He's probably sick of phone messages from here there and everywhere. He might live alone but is not alone IYSWIM.

Up to him to reply or not. I wouldn't push it if he doesn't reply, you have done what you can.

LikeTearsInRain · 22/12/2022 14:40

lol it was not obviously tongue in cheek

goldpendant · 22/12/2022 14:45

A guy I’d been dating for a very short time came to surprise me after quite a major surgery (to my jaw/teeth). I looked like a basketball. I split with him afterwards, I had said I was recovering at my parents place and he showed up and expected a reception… awful.

He’ll be in touch when he’s better I’m sure.

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 14:52

yes either he's ghosting me, or he's sleeping it off.

Or he could be somewhere in between.

Do you only ever think in extremes OP?

McOrange · 22/12/2022 14:58

greenhousegal · 22/12/2022 14:38

Just stick a note under his door or in letterbox then leave immediately. He's probably sick of phone messages from here there and everywhere. He might live alone but is not alone IYSWIM.

Up to him to reply or not. I wouldn't push it if he doesn't reply, you have done what you can.

Weirdest idea of them all

benicewarrior · 22/12/2022 15:18

I don’t think as some suggest you’re unhinged or anything like that. Me and my DH were very serious at 10 weeks and if I’d said I was very ill then not responded for 24 hours he would have probably popped over to see if I was ok. And I would not have considered that ‘mental’ behaviour.

Only you really know what stage you’re at in your relationship and what would be too much or not too much.

I’d say unlikely he’s dead 😂. So he may be very unwell or like you say he may be ghosting you.

I know if DH at that stage in the relationship was very unwell he’d have text just to let me know he wouldn’t be texting much or to let me know how he was. Could be a bit of an excuse (some men will use any excuse!) but who knows. Every person is different!

Time will tell on this one my love. Hope it all works out. All the best x

Nagado · 22/12/2022 15:22

HighAsAKiteAgain · 22/12/2022 14:08

Is he vaccinated? Assuming he is, I'd be more worried than if he's not.

I assume you've all seen the statistics (not the ones the government is pushing on you. The real ones.)

I haven’t seen them and I’d love to really do my research on this so I can argue with all those people who think they know about Covid just because they studied virology for years. Like they know anything I didn’t learn from the school of life 🙄 Do you have any links? Don’t worry about any peer reviewed scientific papers, they’re quite boring and I don’t want to spend too much time on it. A YouTube link would be great though.

Jewel7 · 22/12/2022 15:30

I would think he is ok. If you haven’t already asked if he needs anything do that. But I’m also one for sleeping it off. I always check with friends before popping round.

PurpleButterflyWings · 22/12/2022 15:34

I thought you were going to say you hadn't heard from him since last Friday or something. It was yesterday. You hadn't heard from him since 2pm yesterday and at 9am the next day you post a stressy thread on mumsnet?! Confused

Chill ya boots @Mahanii You sound very intense and will very likely scare him off. Also yes he could be married... and you ARE being a little bit stalkerish for someone you've been dating since October!

rainbowhairchalk · 22/12/2022 15:37

Any news? Ignore the haters, hope he's ok 🙂

PurpleButterflyWings · 22/12/2022 15:37

McOrange · 22/12/2022 14:58

Weirdest idea of them all

Show quote history

Yep this. ^ Going to his house and sticking a note under his door/into his letterbox (after continually messaging after less than 20 hours of no contact,) is utterly bizarre.

PurpleButterflyWings · 22/12/2022 15:37

rainbowhairchalk · 22/12/2022 15:37

Any news? Ignore the haters, hope he's ok 🙂

😂

lifter · 22/12/2022 15:41

After two and a half months, I think it's fine to be a bit worried about someone and pop round if you feel like it.

Two and a half days, not so much.

FluffyFlower · 22/12/2022 16:05

Have you heard from him op? To be honest, if he did see her missed call or messages after 24 hours it is also a bit rude not to type four words: I'm ok, don't worry

butterpuffed · 22/12/2022 16:07

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 14:52

yes either he's ghosting me, or he's sleeping it off.

Or he could be somewhere in between.

Do you only ever think in extremes OP?

In between lie MNer's assumptions and imaginings .

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 16:18

FluffyFlower · 22/12/2022 16:05

Have you heard from him op? To be honest, if he did see her missed call or messages after 24 hours it is also a bit rude not to type four words: I'm ok, don't worry

Or maybe it didn't occur to him that she might be worried after a relatively short period of time.

He's told her he's unwell and in bed - maybe he just wants to rest without the need to reassure his new girlfriend.

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