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AIBU?

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Original poster

To think he's dead and I don't know what to do?

170 replies

Mahanii · 22/12/2022 08:59

A man I've been dating for the last 10 weeks (so not boyfriend or anything remotely committed) text yesterday morning to say he'd tested positive with covid and was feeling awful and getting into bed with his electric blanket on and all his clothes on. He was last online at 2pm and hasn't replied to my last 2 messages. This morning I thought I should call him and he didn't answer. I'm starting to think he might not be ok, he lives alone and I don't know any of his friends or family who could check on him. He's been asleep for 19 hours with no contact and possibly overheating.
Any sensible suggestions for what I can do?

OP posts:
butterpuffed · 22/12/2022 12:10

This reply has been deleted

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Here we go 🙄

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 12:11

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Living up to your username, at least.

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 12:13

EBearhug · 22/12/2022 11:49

No, but he has family who can come and check if they're concerned. That's what would have happened before he met OP, after all.

Does he? I don't. I rely on never getting ill and hoping work would eventually set up some sort of welfare check.

Most people have someone that they're in touch with regularly who can raise an alarm if they're concerned.

But I don't know why you'd need to raise the alarm after 19 hours. He's at home - he's not driving somewhere and hasn't turned up, or gone for a walk and not come back when planned. He's said he's gone to bed as he's unwell - there's no need for anyone to do anything at this point.

If it had been 2-3 days it might be different, but it's not even been 24 hours. Not being contactable 24/7 isn't a reason to call the police or "nip round with soup" 😬

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 12:14

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Sadly it’s the oppposite, a tiny minority like you have not realised yet it’s very real

Cornettoninja · 22/12/2022 12:19

@ZandathePanda I know where you’re coming from (also through lived experience). I do acknowledge that makes me over-cautious. This scenario would bother me although I may not act on it just yet depending on a few different factors but I would probably step it up by the end of the working day into trying to make contact. There’s a difference between knowing someone’s ok and just not in contact and knowing they were unwell and now not in contact. It’s not like 111, 999 or GP’s are easy to contact if he had taken a turn for the worse and tried to help himself.

@Mahanii I would probably pop round and take some supplies later on today. I would make it very clear I was only stopping by briefly but was available if he needed anything. If he takes that as a sign of a stalker or over-investment then frankly he has some fairly odd views himself when most would take it in the caring spirit intended.

Nagado · 22/12/2022 12:19

I freely admit that my go to response if I can’t reach my mum, my best friend or my DH, is that they’ve clearly been involved in a multi car pile up on the motorway. Even I think you’re being a little bit bonkers.

You barely know this man and certainly aren’t at the stage where it’s ok to turn up unannounced. Plus, if I told you that I was ill and going to bed, I would be utterly furious with you if you woke me up banging on the door and forced me out of bed to open it. The only really acceptable thing to do is to message him this evening asking if he’s ok and whether he needs anything dropping off to him.

charabang · 22/12/2022 12:19

Is he definitely single and living alone? 🤔

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 12:26

I would probably pop round and take some supplies later on today. I would make it very clear I was only stopping by briefly but was available if he needed anything. If he takes that as a sign of a stalker or over-investment then frankly he has some fairly odd views himself when most would take it in the caring spirit intended.

Actually, I would argue that it's the very opposite of "caring" to go to someone's house just to appease your own anxieties about their welfare.

Original poster
Mahanii · 22/12/2022 12:35

This is such a funny read, it has covid is a scam, you must have health anxiety, you are a crazed stalker, he is married, all in one thread!

Thanks for all your responses, I used the word dead in a tongue in cheek way, but did genuinely think he might be really ill and I might possibly be the only person (or one of a very few people) who knew, because I know he doesn't talk much to his family and he wouldn't necessarily tell his friends. I did think that either his work or his daughter's mum would be the more appropriate people to do anything, if anything needed to be done. So I haven't done anything. It is unusual behaviour for him not to use WhatsApp in 22 hours and for him not to send a good morning text, so yes either he's ghosting me, or he's sleeping it off. I'll wait to find out which one.

OP posts:
Cornettoninja · 22/12/2022 12:38

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 12:26

I would probably pop round and take some supplies later on today. I would make it very clear I was only stopping by briefly but was available if he needed anything. If he takes that as a sign of a stalker or over-investment then frankly he has some fairly odd views himself when most would take it in the caring spirit intended.

Actually, I would argue that it's the very opposite of "caring" to go to someone's house just to appease your own anxieties about their welfare.

And I simply don’t get that thought process tbh. Presuming you have a good relationship and are aware of the other persons nature more generally, why would you turn that gesture into something so negative?

JinglingXmasbells · 22/12/2022 12:41

My gut reaction was it could be a coward's way of stopping contact with you.

You really need to leave this and allow him to contact you.

He surely has friends or family he can call if he's very unwell and needs help.

Obviously, you need to do a Covid test yourself, even if you have no symptoms, if you have seen him within the past week.

Verbena17 · 22/12/2022 12:46

10 weeks dating IMO is actually quite a while and I think you should pop round and check he’s ok. Unless it’s just casual ‘dating’, in which case maybe not.

Yes he might just be sleeping and not picking up his phone or he could be seriously poorly and would appreciate a check.

Eatentoomanyroses · 22/12/2022 12:51

He’s probably in the process of either ghosting or doing a slow fade on you. This is more likely than him being seriously ill

Spidey66 · 22/12/2022 12:54

I had covid last month. Although it wasn't the worst illness I've had, I did sleep loads, often 12-14 hours a night.

Chikapu · 22/12/2022 13:00

I used the word dead in a tongue in cheek way

Hmmm.

Blueflag22 · 22/12/2022 13:02

Lindy2 · 22/12/2022 09:05

Is he vaccinated? Assuming he is, I'd be less worried than if he's not.

He might be sleeping a lot or really just not up to talking.

I'd perhaps leave it until this afternoon and then try and call again or even pop round with some food/medicine supplies.

Please dear lord tell me you're joking. I've lost 2 people this year both vaccinated and died suddenly from awful sickness. Every unvaccinated I know is sailing through any illness. I'm glad I didn't take more thsn the 2 now . Op hope he is well, and vaccinated or not don't think it matters judging by what's really happening the real world with illnesses etc.

Phewthatwasclose · 22/12/2022 13:04

TimBoothseyes · 22/12/2022 09:17

DD text me last week saying she had covid and was off to bed. The next time I heard from her was 3 days later when she replied to my "how are you feeling" text. At no point did I think she was dead. Maybe you need to work on why that would be your first thought though OP.

😲

ShirleyPhallus · 22/12/2022 13:05

Verbena17 · 22/12/2022 12:46

10 weeks dating IMO is actually quite a while and I think you should pop round and check he’s ok. Unless it’s just casual ‘dating’, in which case maybe not.

Yes he might just be sleeping and not picking up his phone or he could be seriously poorly and would appreciate a check.

If he’s well enough to get up and answer the door he’s well enough to take 30 secs to send a text

Readaboutyourself · 22/12/2022 13:11

DP didn’t leave his bed for over 24 hours & didn’t use the loo 😳 He just slept and slept.

Relax OP. Lovely that you care but get on with your day.

thelobsterquadrille · 22/12/2022 13:13

Cornettoninja · 22/12/2022 12:38

And I simply don’t get that thought process tbh. Presuming you have a good relationship and are aware of the other persons nature more generally, why would you turn that gesture into something so negative?

Show quote history

I just genuinely don't think it's a caring gesture to go to someone's home, uninvited, with stuff they haven't asked for, when you know that person is unwell and resting in bed.

It would be different if you'd had plans and they hadn't shown up, but in this case, OP knows he's unwell and that he's gone to bed - he really doesn't need to be checked up on and brought "supplies" after such a short period of time!

I would be pretty pissed off if I was sick in bed and someone turned up banging on my door because I hadn't contacted them in a whole 19 hours.

Cornettoninja · 22/12/2022 13:18

Fair enough @thelobsterquadrille, different strokes for different folks and all that. I would suggest it’d be quite unlikely then for you to pair up with someone with a vastly different outlook.

I have popped round to various friends houses and vice versa just to lend a bit of support or drop supplies if someone’s struggling/ill. We don’t generally hang about interrogating one another, it’s just a show of affection and checking they don’t need any extra help.

AndEverWhoKnew · 22/12/2022 13:43

What you should do depends on this relationship dynamic and context. Posters saying you definitely can't turn up or you're a crazed stalker are a bit over-invested in everyone having the same relationship dynamic as them.
I've had bfs who would have turned up and others where it would have been odd if they'd turned up. It depends how often you usually go to each other's houses; how often you usually see each other; if there's a wider friendship group, etc.
I do agree some people can have a saviour/anxiety complex that means they do too much too quickly. You need to work out if that's you or not.

PriamFarrl · 22/12/2022 13:51

I understand why you are worried, OP.
Yes not everyone is wedded to their phone but if he is behaving in a way that is unusual for him then you have reason to be upset.

Both DH and I have had the latest Covid infection (well we didn’t test but I’ve had covid twice and I’m sure this was it again). A week after coming down with it DH ended up in hospital. Neither of us are right yet. Both of us fully vaccinated but not entitled to boosters.

SpinningOutWaitinForYa · 22/12/2022 13:57

If he were ghosting you, he likely would still show on Whatsapp from messaging other people. I doubt he only communicates with you via Whatsapp! So I'd say he's probably pretty unwell. Hopefully not dead though. I'd maybe pop round but then I would be embarrassed to do that too. Hmm!

TrickyD · 22/12/2022 14:00

Flapjackquack
Electric blankets have timers so I wouldn’t worry too much about his overheating.

Yours might have a timer, not all do. Ours doesn’t.