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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To think he's dead and I don't know what to do?

170 replies

Mahanii · 22/12/2022 08:59

A man I've been dating for the last 10 weeks (so not boyfriend or anything remotely committed) text yesterday morning to say he'd tested positive with covid and was feeling awful and getting into bed with his electric blanket on and all his clothes on. He was last online at 2pm and hasn't replied to my last 2 messages. This morning I thought I should call him and he didn't answer. I'm starting to think he might not be ok, he lives alone and I don't know any of his friends or family who could check on him. He's been asleep for 19 hours with no contact and possibly overheating.
Any sensible suggestions for what I can do?

OP posts:
Original poster
Mahanii · 22/12/2022 09:17

Just to answer the point about being dumped - I'd rather be dumped than leave a seriously ill person stewing in their own sweat on their own!

Sleeping that long is something I've never done but happy to hear it's perfectly normal.

OP posts:
Macaroni46 · 22/12/2022 09:18

Sparklfairy · 22/12/2022 09:08

If you've only been dating 10 weeks fgs don't go round there. I don't want people I don't know very well turning up at my place when I feel really ill, just because I've missed a call or two!

This! Just chill. He's probably not feeling up to messaging right now. You'll come across a bit weird and too needy/pushy if you keep messaging or call or go round.

WomanStanleyWoman2 · 22/12/2022 09:18

My friend has just recovered from Covid and said she never felt so tired in her life. He’s probably having a much needed sleep binge.

Also, electric blankets will only ever reach a maximum temperature. It’s highly unlikely he’s broiled himself to death 🙂

tunthebloodyalarmoff · 22/12/2022 09:19

Mahanii · 22/12/2022 09:04

Ok, good to hear, I thought the length of sleep was worrying because I can never sleep that long!

He probs just can't be bothered to respond leave him be

pizzaHeart · 22/12/2022 09:19

He probably put it on silence before sleep and forgot to put it on back and now he’s watching TV or sleeping while his phone is somewhere else.
The most sinister explanation is that another girlfriend (or his partner) is looking after him. I wouldn’t blame electric blanket.

IToldYouAmillionTimesAlready · 22/12/2022 09:20

I had Covid (was unvaccinated at the time) 17 months ago, was so very bad by day 11 that I had to be put in an induced coma and on a life support machine for 10 days. Fit as a fiddle now

FluffyFlower · 22/12/2022 09:20

It is understandable that you worry about his health and well-being but do not overload him with messages, if he is a healthy man he will be absolutely fine . Try to distract yourself and shift focus on your own well-being for the moment and before you notice he will be back in touch when he feels better !

user1496262496 · 22/12/2022 09:21

Not dating long, and not committed… may be he is partying with mates or dating someone else and bought himself some space with the sickness story? May be he is with his partner/wife?

ladydimitrescu · 22/12/2022 09:22

I slept for 28 hours when I have Covid - no exaggeration, I was so exhausted I couldn't hold up my head. Dh was waking me intermittently to give me sips of water and paracetamol to get my fever down, I was so weak I needed help to get to the loo! This most recent strain can be a bit brutal so I wouldn't worry too much, I was unresponsive to anyone for two full days and rough for a week.

PenanceAdair · 22/12/2022 09:22

He may not be asleep the whole time, but just too tired/ill to text or talk.

You've done nothing wrong to be worried or even think he's dead. Someone who dumps you for coming round to check on them, even if they thought you were worrying for nothing, is a bit odd and doesn't deserve to be in a relationship with you anyway.

Original poster
Mahanii · 22/12/2022 09:24

@TimBoothseyes I think of myself as not a worrier but I'd definitely contact a friend or housemate if it was my dd! No way could I leave it 3 days!
Maybe I'm not so chilled as I like to think 😅

OP posts:
SupernovaCharlotte · 22/12/2022 09:25

Mahanii · 22/12/2022 09:17

Just to answer the point about being dumped - I'd rather be dumped than leave a seriously ill person stewing in their own sweat on their own!

Sleeping that long is something I've never done but happy to hear it's perfectly normal.

You need to consider that ten weeks ago he hadn't met you. I'd expect him to have other people to call upon if he seriously needed help, e.g. I'd probably ask my sister or at least three other close friends if I needed help.

A ten week old date wouldn't be my first choice if I was feeling shabby. I'd be wary that there was a bit of a saviour complex going on if you didn't take a rational approach.

NettleTea · 22/12/2022 09:25

Ive recently had that strain of covid, and the main thing about it, after the first few days of wierd feverishness and body aches, was the total exhaustion. Probably managed to get out of bed for about 2 hrs a day from around day 3 - day 6. even now, 2 weeks later, Im only on one or two tasks a day and can sleep from 9pm through to 11 am

icanwearwhatiwant · 22/12/2022 09:27

Eek @YaWeeFurryBastard is talking sense. I'm surprised all the people saying go round. Personally I would hate it if somebody I was newly dating rushed round when A) I'd specifically told them I was ill and going to bed to sleep it off and B) I was ill and looking like death (this is supposed to be the honeymoon period!)
C) they were dramatically declaring that I might be dead.

Dial it down op, fine to send the occasional cheery "hope you perk up soon" type text (occasional but not every half an hour)
Let him know you're around if he needs a chat or something dropping off but don't smother him.

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 09:27

Why are you assuming he is sleeping all that time? Just because he hasn't answered your call or been online? Maybe he doesn't want to talk to someone he doesn't know very well when he is feeling utterly crap? You are being far too intense.

Step back, let him contact you if and when he chooses. The 'oh I care about all humans' is a really weird way to view invading someone's privacy when they are not well.

DunkingMyDonuts · 22/12/2022 09:28

AIBU to think he's dead

Err... yes, and slightly mad too given your OP that it is only a day since you have heard from him 🤔

ShirleyPhallus · 22/12/2022 09:29

Fadedpicture · 22/12/2022 09:17

Well every day's a school day. I can't imagine anyone I was in regular contact with, who I knew was ill and became uncontactable where I wouldn't pop round just to see if they needed anything.

He hasn’t become “uncontactable” 🙄

girlmom21 · 22/12/2022 09:30

I'd be annoyed if I had told somebody I didn't know very well I was pretty unwell and they kept texting and calling and turned up at my door.

AlisonDonut · 22/12/2022 09:30

Do you usually catastrophise?

PleaseTakeItOff · 22/12/2022 09:32

Mahanii · 22/12/2022 09:24

@TimBoothseyes I think of myself as not a worrier but I'd definitely contact a friend or housemate if it was my dd! No way could I leave it 3 days!
Maybe I'm not so chilled as I like to think 😅

But you’re not a friend or a housemate, you’re a woman he’s been seeing for a few weeks. Seriously, unless there’s some backstory about you having been friends for years before you started seeing each other you would be spectacularly overstepping boundaries to turn up at his house. It could even be that he’s ghosting you, you turning up would make you seem like a lunatic.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 22/12/2022 09:32

Gosh this is very ott. Why would you think he’s dead. Is there some sort of back story Ie is he very elderly or something?

Coffeaddict · 22/12/2022 09:35

Iam4eels · 22/12/2022 09:04

Do you know his address? If you do then pop over, you could always take some paracetamol/lucozade/tissues and say you wanted to check he was okay and drop off some supplies.

If you can't go or aren't comfortable going then call 101, explain the situation, and ask if they can do a welfare check.

Before you do either of these, have one last attempt at calling him and send him a text telling him you're worried and that you'll pop over/call someone if you don't hear soon.

Flip that around.

If someone came on here to say a guy they have been dating for 10 weeks threatened to call the police if I didn't answer him. Every poster would say run a mile, so many red flags.

OP just let him sleep it off

ZandathePanda · 22/12/2022 09:35

If you know his address I would nip round and check. No point in sending more text messages.

givethistokevin · 22/12/2022 09:37

ZandathePanda · 22/12/2022 09:35

If you know his address I would nip round and check. No point in sending more text messages.

Check what?

Choccolatte · 22/12/2022 09:40

DH and I moved in together after 10 weeks so I guess it depends on the relationship on how serious it is after that time (my grandparents married after 6 weeks of meeting each other and we're happily married for 56 years- not that I would advise that 😁)