Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

This worries me. There is no possible way that an individual with dyspraxia can be as safe to drive as someone without.

Unfortunatly, we live in a culture of "growth mindset" - and the idea that anyone can do anything if they try hard enough for long enough. I dont beleive in this "growth mindset" at all, as I have seen the devastating impact it can have in educational settings

If you are dyspraxic, as in the real definition of dyspraxia, then you have defective coordination. If you have defective coordination, then you are not going to be a safe driver. I dont drive because I know I would put myself and others in danger. There is no way someone with defective coordination can be safe behind a wheel

They might pass the test, ( so might a drunk driver) they might drive around for years without incident ( so might a habitual drunk driver) they may show some driving skill some of the time ( so might a drunk driver) but exactly the same as a drunk driver, they do not have the ability to be reliably safe.

But lots of people use the term "dyspraxia" without actually meaning it. Maybe the driver you are thinking of is one of those. But you can not seriously be advocating people with defective coordination to take to the wheel on a street near you or your loved ones.

I do know a lot of parents and children use the word dyspraxic erroneously. Its quite telling when a student gets special consideration for dyspraxia all the way through school until GCSE, then in their first year A levels, decide it was a misdiagnosis. What has generally happened is that the local driving school has said they don't teach dyspraxics, and the individual is suddenly cured 🙄which devalues the use of the word for those of us who genuinely have it

Dh learned to drive when ds was 2.Best thing he ever did for work and for home.
I passed a year ago.

Thank you for this comment. Neither of us drive and this is how we're raising our boys (2 and 8). Your DD sounds great and exactly how I'd like mine to be as teenagers.

Some nasty vicious comments on this thread.

The fact remains that it is a dealbreaker for a lot of people, and will be something your sons will have to deal with if they decide not to learn to drive. They may very well decide they want to though.

OP, he owes your parents their £200 back as he took the money fraudulently. He had no intention of using it to buy driving lessons. Secondly, I am petty, so he would never get a lift from me again. I mean, even if we were going to the same place I’d let him find his own way there.

His dishonesty, deceit and derision of you shows he holds you in contempt. I actually feel so angry on your behalf. I can’t imagine his redeeming features are strong enough to overlook all of this.

It's all great having the people post about how their family are fine without learning to drive and use public transport and don't miss out on stuff. It does still really limit where you can live, work and what you can do. If we didn't drive we'd have to get a taxi to get anywhere after 6.30pm or a Sunday as there are no busses. Both our jobs require driving licences.

It's fine to choose not to drive but I don't think it's easier for the majority of people because even if you live in a big city there will be times when you want to visit friends and family who don't, go to a place of interest which isn't on a bus route etc.

I will also be doing everything in my power to encourage my children to drive at 17. They don't need to use the licence but it opens up jobs and areas to live.

@Soothsayer1 · Today 13:32

Does that mean that I'm a woman-child because I'm a non driver?

Well it's not great that you can't drive, but it's worse when a man can't. It's a deeply unappealing and unattractive trait in a man.

It's certainly worse if you're in a relationship with him. If your partner is a woman, it's probably just as annoying.

Some of the comments are a bit dramatic. What’s wrong with him being a ‘grown man’ and not knowing how to drive? Why must everyone know how to drive? I really don’t get it!

This. ^ It's hilarious that the poster you quoted thinks her 2 boys will not drive because she says so. 😂

BellePeppa

The motorbike would have made you road savvy and road confident though wouldn’t it? Driving wouldn’t have been such a leap.

That's exactly what my instructor said. On my first lesson, I screeched away from the lights and braked hard at the next set. He said, "Hmm, I can tell you're a biker. Remember to think of your passengers."

That's how you get taught to ride, not least because car drivers expect you to accelerate hard from a standstill and often act accordingly.

Do you need to? Although it’s not particularly difficult to get.

I value a partner that I can share driving with, that I don’t have to be driving around, and that isn’t reliant on public transport to go anywhere outside of the immediate vicinity on short notice.

no, he offers to take me places but I say 'get away from me with that filthy vehicle, i prefer walking'....seriously the number of people who got the hump with me because I refuse lifts!
When my children were small I was the driver and my other half didnt drive, I didnt have a problem with that.
I think as you say the real problem is pretending he will when he has no intention of doing it, whilst at the same time not pulling his weight.

I can drive I just choose not to, because I hate having to go further than walking/running/cycling distance from home, and because cars are expensive and I HATE the effing things!

no, he offers to take me places but I say 'get away from me with that filthy vehicle

How incredibly rude.

😂
you are funny😆😅

My husband doesn’t drive either, and has no will to, to be quite honest.

Difference is, it a) doesn’t bother me and b) he hasn’t made any promises about it c) he rarely - if ever - even asks me to drive him somewhere.

It’s totally out of order for him to take money for lessons and then use it for something else, and to not share the burden where possible. My husband used to take the kids to nursery on the bus, and when needed would use a taxi. I didn’t have to drag myself out of bed just because he didn’t drive.

sorry@ReneBumsWombats
I should explain and not just laugh, the filthy vehicle thing was tongue in cheek, I mean, I would say that but he'd laugh too, he only keeps a vehicle for his work and is totally fine with me no longer driving, I should have been clearer🙏

A grown adult getting £200 off their PIL for driving lessons? I’d be embarrassed to accept that!

This. ^ It's hilarious that the poster you quoted thinks her 2 boys will not drive because she says so.

Yeah...I really didn't say that. I certainly implied that I think being able to navigate public transport or even, y'know, walking places, makes older children much more independent than the ones who rely on their parents constantly for lifts.

Although I do think that future generations will decide not to drive due to climate change.

He's 41 accepting money for lessons from his in laws, and then doesn't do it.🙄

Cringe.

Mind you I think the OP was a bit naive thinking any man who has got to his late 30's not driving will miraculously do it just because she asks.

The lying about it is Ick.

As for spending £2,400 a year on taxis because he won't even use public transport 🙄.

I can only imagine what her parents really think of this prize!

Definitely nothing to worry about. Check out the dyspraxia foundation or other reliable sources of dyspraxia information and many adults drive with no incidents or no more than the usual driver. I know dyspraxic people including older teens who are IMO decent drivers although it did take some of the older ones a lot longer to learn. But then I know NT's who took ages to learn too. NT or ND...the ones who pass easily and quickly and get the hand of it aren't necessarily the best drivers.

Dyspraxia like every other neurodivergence is on a spectrum and different people have different strengths and challenges within that. There are dyspraxic people who struggle immensely with swimming due to the co-ordination aspect and low muscle tone, but some who become relatively strong swimmers. It doesn't mean that those people who have overcome something don't struggle with co-ordination, it may well mean they have to concentrate more or practice more.. or it takes them a while to get the hang of a particular skill but definitely doesn't condemn them to not being able do that thing safely hence why it isn't illegal for dyspraxics to drive.

There's a stereotype of dyspraxic being awful at team sports requiring athleticism and co-ordination etc but then there's professional athletes who are dyspraxics. Not every person with dyspraxia will be the same and just because you're not able to do something, you can't blanket apply that to everyone as a litmus test once they've been diagnosed and quite clearly exhibit other symptoms too!

My husband and I drive. It makes life easier. I hate it but do it. It made it easier to collect the teens when younger from nights out. We live in London and friends of ours have recently sold their car. They say public transport is good enough. I wouldn’t give mine up.

But I don’t get the intense anti-driver sentiment. Surely the fewer cars on the road the better? Safety, environment etc. We should be thanking the non-drivers, not berating them!

I don't want to derail this because AFAIK op's husband isn't dyspraxic but also wanted to add the below for anyone's else general knowledge as I don't think there's enough info around certain types of ND.

Taken from NHS page, I have bolded for emphasis:

Symptoms of dyspraxia can vary between individuals and may change over time. You may find routine tasks difficult.

If you have dyspraxia it may affect:

your co-ordination, balance and movement
how you learn new skills, think, and remember information at work and home
your daily living skills, such as dressing or preparing meals
your ability to write, type, draw and grasp small objects
how you function in social situations
how you deal with your emotions
time management, planning and personal organisation skills

So while some people with dyspraxia may or may not be hardwired to do some or all of the above as easily as others, I'm sure there are many where they have mastered said skill to a greater level than NT people.

Just like I know dyslexics who are more better spellers than some non-dyslexics.