Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

Agh what a man child, this would piss me off so enormously. I agree with the pp, also hugely unattractive, I'm not sure I could live with this.

I see it being down to one of two reasons - either he is anxious and lying, because he's a shit driver or just it genuinely scares him and refuses to face his fear, or he's being a lazy chancer end enjoys being ferried around/never having to be the sober one etc.
Really fucking selfish and immature either way, he needs to step up. I'm not sure I'd be wording it as optional if he were my partner.

Does that mean that I'm a woman-child because I'm a non driver?

It's ok coming on threads like this saying 'I don't drive and have never had a lift so it's fine for him to not drive'. Completely misses the point that he has said that we would drive. It's obvious that with a child it is much easier if both parents could drive and if he had no intention to drive he should have been honest and not taken the money from the OP's parents.

I didn't drive until I was about 30. I was find on busses and trains. Now I can drive life is much easier as I can still use a bus or a train but I have the added option of a car.

They're death traps. Please don't put your children in such a dangerous machine.

Obviously in my opinon - that's how forums work.

I bet the OP's husband is equally pissed off from being left the housework all these years.

@Soothsayer1 Are you pathetically reliant on your partner ferrying you around everywhere? Did you have children and not be able to provide basic needs for them like taking them to nursery? Then yes, it's childish to CHOOSE not to share that load. It's a burden on the only driver in a partnership, and he's a liar to boot, having promised he would learn to drive. He's financially draining the family with taxi fees too. I hate driving. Hate it. But I accept that's tough luck in this day and age, if you want a family and a life outside of your very local area it's essential. It's not just the physical driving either, it's the responsibilities that come with it - like always having to be the one to do hospital appointments or the dentist, or the shopping, or holidays, visiting family. It's really self centered to choose that and not even try to fix it.

Driving may be instinctive to some but it definitely wasn't to me. I had to work very hard to learn, to pass (4 goes) and I need to drive a certain amount to remain competent and moderately confident. If I'd gone with "instinct" I'd be a non driver still. But I could see it would open up options for me.

I do agree some drivers shouldn't be driving though, especially the angry and inattentive ones, and anyone who can't reverse. I think anxiety about it tends to get better with experience, familiarity with roads and vehicle, etc.

Perhaps you could consider one of the new Citroën Ami electric cars that don't require a licence?

That's terrifying, I can't drive because I cannot see well enough surely it can't be legal for me to get into a car that can go 28mph without a licence?

at 30mph there is a 20% chance of killing a pedestrian if you hit them

They are classified as quad bikes, so I think you need a motorbike licence to drive them on UK roads.

A review described them as being constructed from flimsy tent poles. They are exempt from NCAP safety ratings because they're not cars.

I dread to think what would happen in a 30mph crash - 15mph crashes were usually fatal before the invention of crumple zones and seat belts.

It depends if it’s a deal-breaker for you.

I was a non-driver when me and my other half met. He obviously did all the driving about and used to have to travel 45 mins to pick me up and then 45 mins to drop me off every time we met up. I knew he would rather I drove and I decided I didn’t want to keep asking others for lifts (friends, family) so I decided to drive. I had huge anxiety about it, panic attacks before instructor turned up at my house. 2 years of lessons and 3 driving tests later I passed and have now been driving 4 years and it’s one of the best things I ever did.

I know my husband is very grateful that I learnt to drive! I don’t think I would of been able to change jobs and move in with him in another town if I didn’t have my car.

We have our first child due in May and he will need to be dropped off at my partners house when I go back to work off maternity leave - I just feel like with children it’s such a help if both parents drive.

I don’t think it’s fair to bash non-drivers, driving isn’t compulsory. I don’t like that people say men are clearly boys if they don’t drive. What I think is unfair here is that your partner has been promising to learn and doesn’t, or wasted the £200 he was meant to have on lessons on other things.

Okay that's rather less concerning then, in terms of the people driving them

I agree though the safety concerns would worry me too in terms of being in the vehicle, especially putting children in to transport them around

Generally speaking (and I live in a rural farming area) people aren't chucking kids on the back of a quad bike to take them to nursery at 28mph

And drivers expect quad bikes to be slower so they have a better awareness of what to expect. that car looks like a smart car type of thing which went at normal speeds so it could throw drivers who aren't expecting it to not react like a normal car

People are allowed to decide what is and isn’t acceptable for them when it comes to prospective partners. Non drivers are fully entitled to choose not to drive, and others are entitled to consider that a dealbreaker for them 🤷🏻‍♀️

Preferably before marrying them and having a child with them if it’s so important to you!

Wow the discrimination on here is disgusting. But seems to be accepted when it’s about non drivers. Maybe OP you should find yourself some macho man with a big fast car after all a man isn’t a man unless he drives hey

Dont be so utterly stupid. The issue here is not that the OP isnt attracted to her partner, its that HE expects HER to drive him and the kids everywhere which is an unequal division of labour and puts extra pressure on her. Thats a perfectly legit complaint. If you dont want to learn to drive then dont, but dont then expect others to taxi you around everywhere and never take the kids anywhere leaving your wife to do it all.

Perhaps he should have been upfront with her from the start, instead of promising that he would as going to learn, and taking money off her parents for driving lessons.

He’s a liar and a pisstaker.

Yes, it would drive (haha) me bonkers too.

The motorbike would have made you road savvy and road confident though wouldn’t it? Driving wouldn’t have been such a leap.

Maybe OP you should find yourself some macho man with a big fast car

Can recommend.

Me too. I used to drive (a bit) and hated every second, I was a very anxious driver who’d get easily overwhelmed. I never regret giving up but I’d never live in the middle of nowhere, I’m always close to a railway station and good bus services. I probably don’t actually need the services of a car more than two or three times a year.

They're all under 25 though yeah? If they are late 20s or older that is embarrassing.

@Dolleey

Ah, yes. I remember my life before driving. Spending more money on housing because good public transport links were essential. Spending a fortune on taxis. Turning down jobs that required a driver’s licence or took well over an hour to get to on multiple legs of public transport despite being a short drive away. Relying on lifts from other people.

Worrying about whether or not I would be offered a lift and if not, whether it would be cheeky to ask. Getting to places really early or really late to take advantage of infrequent bus or train services. Many places like out of town shopping centres being completely off limits.

Of course nobody is forced to drive, but being a non-driver is very restricting and being the non-driving partner of a driver means either forcing the driver to accept your limitations too or step up and be a chauffeur. No way would I be with someone who didn’t drive out of choice now.

This. ^

My ex really liked driving and would have some very nice, expensive cars but I was so unhappy with him that nowadays I couldn’t care less if someone can drive or not, my box tick list is unrecognisable to the one I had twenty odd years ago. It’s probably bottom of any wish list.

Can I ask what he would do if you were laid up for a few days/weeks with a broken foot/wrist/arm/leg that prevented you from driving?

By him not having passed his test and being able to pick up where you leave off, he's putting an unnecessary financial stress (as he will take expensive taxis places) on the family where as he could simply sit in the drivers seat and drive.

Irrespective of your financial position, in a cost of living crisis, taking taxis when there is a perfectly serviceable car but the individual refuses to learn/take their test, is beyond me and would be a luxury too far for me.

Yes you are. You are deeply unattractive and if you are in a relationship your partner should leave you forthwith.🤔

It won’t be a problem soon seeing as self driving cars are being developed.