Partner refuses to learn to drive , despite promising he would

[Itsbadbitchoclock]

I’ve been with my husband for 3 years. He couldn’t drive when we first met which wasn’t too much of a problem. However, since I got pregnant (and we now have a 21 month old daughter), he has promised repeatedly to book driving lessons but never does.

My parents gave him £200 for his birthday to put towards lessons which he just spent on other things. I’ve said I’d be happy to share the cost as it would really help me out but he just hasn’t done it.

I just don’t think he understands how stressful it is to always be the person driving, always being the person who can’t drink (such as over Xmas when visiting different family members in one day) and always being the one who does the lengthy drives up to Scotland to see my sister. Not to mention the times I’ve had flu and covid and still had to drive our daughter to nursery because he can’t do it.

This evening he had the audacity to say I don’t do enough housework which irked me considering he does literally NO driving. I retaliated with this comment and he replied that they’re not comparable.

We argue about it a lot and he just doesn’t seem to understand why it’s so important to me. I’ve asked if it’s because he feels anxious about it, and that we could work through it together if so, but he laughed and denied this was the case.

AIBU to be realllllllly frustrated and fucked off?!

Not everyone can drive or find it easy to learn. However, the people in my family who have never been able to learn are also not making shitty comments about housework! He can fuck off and take any expectations of you giving him a lift anywhere with him. Hope he's got the Uber app. Also no more cash from anyone. He can have a birthday card like most adults get.

And yes to PP's suggestion of cargo bike!! He still has to transport his daughter. He needs to find a cheap way of doing so (and yes it's his problem to solve so do not help him).

Exact same with my wife! Just refuses to learn, and then complains about cleaning even though I'm the one who does all the driving!

Think I will link her this thread (If she has not read it herself already)

Housework is a bigger burden than driving. I'd be annoyed at being lectured by somebody who doesn't pull their weight in the house.

I don't drive and never will.
Having said that, I don't rely on others and probably only get in a car 2 or 3 times a year, if that.

Could all the journeys he took by taxi have been done from home in your car if he had a license?
If so, the £200/month on taxis needs to come from his personal "spends" and not joint finances.

If you go anywhere on a night out, and you want to drink alcohol too, you get a taxi / public transport home.

Have a mantra, "I am not a taxi" and stick to it.

In your opinion.

I'd be pretty pissed off if my husband promised to learn but left all the driving to me. All those years of nursery runs, holidays, activities etc.

Hard to do this though, when I told my wife she needs to pay for taxi's / public transport it just caused massive arguments

he wont use public transport either? thats ridiculous at tleast my dh does that daily he has to

who can afford taxis all the time

Depends how it's split though surely? I had an ex that drove and the car costs came out of the household money, as did my money for fares, and as I didn't use taxis that much it didn't cost me as much a month to get about as it did for him to run the car.
I'd have been annoyed if I was told to fund my own fares, while contributing towards a car that I couldn't drive (although some people would see it as suitable punishment for not being able to do so and therefore being pathetic) for him to get around in.
I still did my share of everything like shopping etc and got myself around as much as I always had before I met him, on public transport and as we didn't have kids, he used the car for work and for his own leisure like the gym etc.
Very rare we went somewhere together that we didn't walk or get a taxi back because it was a night out and even if I could drive, I'd have wanted to have a drink - and it's what we both did before the relationship because there was no one else to drive on nights out et, so nothing changed.
I didn't rely on him and he didn't rely on me, so no resentment that he couldn't because he didn't expect to.
That's different though if the non driving partner is reliant on the driver for day to day things and refuses to use public transport etc, but that's more to do with entitled behaviour and taking the piss than owning a driving license, a lack of one doesn't automatically make you a CF, and having one doesn't automatically mean you're not one.

I agree with you then if OP husband is paying towards the car

I’d find this infuriating. I wouldn’t drive him anywhere and I’d prevent him accessing any of my income to pay for taxis. Fuck that.

Not being able to drive was absolutely a dealbreaker for me when I was dating.

Some people are just good at being professional passengers.

Is it a deal breaker for you? If you really think it is, then you need to start framing the conversation around that.

My husband just passed his test first time at the grand old age of 49. It's never too late. Yours needs to want to drive, he clearly doesn't.

Agreed. @itsbadbitchoclock who pays for the tax, MOT, insurance, servicing, petrol, cleaning, any parking permits and maintenance of the car?

Who pays for the taxis?

It depends though

Because drive the child to nursery often means get the child up, breakfasted, dressed, bags packed, etc

If you don't do the running around it's easy to automatically opt out a lot of the parenting too so it depends what the OPs partner is actually doing

Did he agree to learn because he wants to or because you where pressing him to do so?

you know he couldn’t drive when you married him. If it was that much of a deal breaker you should have said that beforehand.

I wouldn't mind about the lack of driving the problem is more that he isn't pulling his weight generally, I would stop enabling that stop doing things for him etc
just laugh at him if he complains that you're not doing housework, who does he think he is!
and as for spending your parents money I wouldn't be happy about that at all

Firstly you are not a "lesser" person if you dont happen to drive.If nervous or uncertain thats fine.However ,why did he say he would learn FFS! Also not up to you to drive him everywhere either! Why cant he use public transport?

Wow the discrimination on here is disgusting. But seems to be accepted when it’s about non drivers. Maybe OP you should find yourself some macho man with a big fast car after all a man isn’t a man unless he drives hey?

And in the real world not everyone can afford to run a car. The amount of twats on the road who really shouldn’t be driving are shocking. If they gave up and accepted they were shit at driving the roads would be a much safer place.

Not driving to me is not the issue here.

Saying you will and then not even making an effort to start is. If he had lessons and repeatedly failed, or was medically unfit unknowingly at the time, I think anyone should be supportive.

@Ilovemycatalot agree with the sentiment. About 25% of people should not have a licence in my opinion, and I'd guess the majority are men.

If he doesnt want to drive thats his choice but he cannot then expect YOU to do all of it or drive him around like a bloody taxi driver. Thats ridiculously selfish. I would stop giving him lifts and tell him to get a taxi. He needs a kick up the arse because all the while you are driving him, its enabling him to keep making excuses to not do it. I'd also be really angry that he spent the £200 on something else when it was a really kind gesture from your parents.

I agree I'm a non driver and that's a good thing for everyone!
I do not ever rely on other people for lifts, I walk, I cycle or I get the train or the bus

"Instinctively know"? What a load of BS.