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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not collect my 18 year old daughter

336 replies

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 21:28

so she went off to have a treatment and was due to meet a friend after.I dropped her there. I came home , started a film and have had two glasses of wine so cant drive. She rang for me to collect her. She is a mile away , its well lit and a cool night where I am..no snow etc. She is losing the head that I wont/cant collect her. AIBU

OP posts:
hettie · 22/12/2022 00:04

Are there honestly people on this thread who as grown arsed women who wouldn't walk alone at night after 9.30?

BotWaterHottle · 22/12/2022 00:05

Yes. Those who have made that mistake.

FurAndFeathers · 22/12/2022 00:07

BotWaterHottle · 22/12/2022 00:04

Good for you. Others haven't been so privileged.

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Well it seems like there are plenty of parents on this thread who won’t let their kids be that lucky either (unless they can accompany them!)

Clymene · 22/12/2022 00:08

some kids are growing up developmentally delayed, today’s 18-year-olds are like 12-year-olds from a decade ago

https://www.kqed.org/mindshift/60624/young-adults-are-struggling-with-their-mental-health-is-more-childhood-independence-the-answer

You're not doing your kids any favours

Florenz · 22/12/2022 00:09

If not at 18, when? Never?

hettie · 22/12/2022 00:14

It's horrible and awful when men perpetrate violance against women. But 1000's of women walk alone in London every night (and many more across the UK). The vast majority of lone journies are safe. In the same way the vast majority of car journies dint result in a horrible ccident. Many people get in cars without a second thought, yet accidents can happen. We agree not in control of what might happen...There is a small risk in most things we do. Should we stop doing other things. We agree very poor at assessing real risk

Fraaahnces · 22/12/2022 00:17

My 18 year old daughter would absolutely understand that if she had changed her plans and I had had two glasses of wine, I would be absolutely foolish to risk losing my licence. I would be following her movement on phone tracking until she came home, and speaking to her on speaker phone so she can keep focussed on what’s going on around her until she came home. I would greet her with a cup of tea to warm her up and she could have a glass of wine herself if she wanted.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 22/12/2022 00:17

She is 18 not 8 surely she can sort herself out.

TrashyPanda · 22/12/2022 00:18

blueflagflyhigh · 21/12/2022 22:48

I'd get her a taxi/Uber instead. I wouldn't let my daughter walk home in the dark, I'd be too worried.

I'd tell her to start walking and me or dh or both of us wld go and meet her half way (if he also cldnt drive).

It’s dark at 15.40 right now.

loads of kids coming home in the dark. Does that worry you? Cos it’s perfectly normal.

shes 18 and can’t be arsed to walk a short distance at 21.30. It’s hardly the middle of the night. Her problem.

SkylightSkylight · 22/12/2022 00:19

CorpusCallosum · 21/12/2022 22:19

She's feeling vulnerable and reached out to her mum, the rejection compounded the feeling of being let down, first by friend and then by mum (however reasonable you are to have let her down!).

YANBU to say no but to all the posters saying she's spoilt etc YABU to be so unkind about her.

Vulnerable & reached out to her mum 😂lazy & contacted mum-taxi.

rejection told no, mum taxi not in operation.

spoilt not the wird I'd have used. More like entitled. She's 28, off out for the night, her plans changed. She can get herself (a whole mile) home FFS.

@tengreenbottleshanging if she hadn't made arrangements with you to be picked up later on, she has NO right to expect you to be able to go & pick her up at whatever time she decides she wants to come home & for you not to have an alcoholic drink. If she doesn't want to walk a mile (she could have been home quicker than all the time she was going off her head)she can get herself a taxi.

She needs telling!! Going off her head! Unacceptable.

Liorae · 22/12/2022 00:19

MissMaple82 · 21/12/2022 22:40

Just because they are 18 doesn't necessarily mean they are mature and capable of being an 'adult'. If she was 17 would you still feel this way? Why does a matter of months make them suddenly change into full grown capable adults?

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I'd feel the same if she was 16. She needs to learn to deal with life. It's doing her no favors to infantalise her.

Onnabugeisha · 22/12/2022 00:20

hettie · 22/12/2022 00:14

It's horrible and awful when men perpetrate violance against women. But 1000's of women walk alone in London every night (and many more across the UK). The vast majority of lone journies are safe. In the same way the vast majority of car journies dint result in a horrible ccident. Many people get in cars without a second thought, yet accidents can happen. We agree not in control of what might happen...There is a small risk in most things we do. Should we stop doing other things. We agree very poor at assessing real risk

London has CCTV everywhere so they know if they attack, they will be caught. Doesn’t help the victims of course. Out here in the country, different kettle of fish. Very easy to attack and get away with murder. Especially if the attacker leaves his mobile phone at home…

Liorae · 22/12/2022 00:21

SunflowerTed · 21/12/2022 22:42

Instead of typing a mumsnet message you could have been out the door meeting her halfway!!!!!

I very much doubt she wants to be met. She doesn’t want to walk, that is all.

Florenz · 22/12/2022 00:23

Part of being a parent is raising your children to be adults who don't need their parents anymore. A lot of parents today seem to be complete and utter failures in this regard.

hettie · 22/12/2022 00:27

@Onnabugeisha CCTV or not young women being murdered by strangers while walking home is still ;(thank god) vanishingly rare). It's not more common in trural communities, is just not frankly it's not very common at all

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 22/12/2022 00:45

DuesToTheDirt · 21/12/2022 23:26

I'm surprised, and I'm wondering where you live. I live in Scotland, where the legal alcohol limit is next to nothing.

2 drinks within 2 hours and I'd definitely feel an effect.

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Australia, where generally the limit is 0.05% blood alcohol volume and the advice we are given by government is that 1 standard drink per hour will keep us under that limit. I feel it too, and won't drive if I'm drinking that much.

Re: the OP walking - some of the replies on here are ridiculous. Like Ubers and taxis don't exist! And what kind of entitled arsehole of a 18yo would want her mum to walk alone and a bit pissed to come and get her if walking safe?! All a bit of a moot point though because the daughter didn't ask for that... SHE WANTS A LIFT IN THE CAR AND THE OP IS TOO DRUNK.

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 22/12/2022 00:46

if walking isn't* safe

AlwaysLatte · 22/12/2022 00:47

I'd just book a taxi for her and have another glass of wine!

Wardrobes123 · 22/12/2022 01:03

Jackie17177 · 21/12/2022 23:54

Honestly, I believe most mothers worry about their child whatever their age but using that anxiety to micromanage their lives is damaging. From the first time my DC wanted to walk to school themselves, or go out to town by themselves I worried, but I didn't stop them. (They were/are age appropriate for these rites of passage). The world is not 100% safe, it never will be. So what does treating them like children when they are heading into adulthood actually achieve? My job is to help them be independent - not dependant.

^ this. All day long. Infantilising your teenagers will not help them in the long run. You have to assess risk and act accordingly- the DD needs to do that too.

The DD in this scenario hasn’t raised issues of safety, she’s just cold.

ChopSuey2 · 22/12/2022 01:08

How will she cope when she leaves home? Are you going to pick her up when she's away at uni or coming home from a night out with friends? She is 18. She is an adult. She can manage to get herself home. If the journey is a poorly lit or dangerous route, she can order herself an Uber/taxi.

JackieDaws · 22/12/2022 01:17

WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps · 21/12/2022 23:56

EXACTLY! Some of the posts on here are fucking disgusting and shameful. I can't believe anyone thinks like this is real life. I don't know anyone who does actually. 'errrr yeah daughter, get your fucking self home at nearly 10 at night in the dark.. just walk the mile alone. You'll be fine suck it up. I know someone who walks 4 miles when trains are on strike yeah right! get a grip and walk you lazy mare!'

Yep. Wouldn't happen. Not to anyone I know. All the parents I know care about their children - under 18 AND over 18 - far too much.

This thread is toxic. I'm out.

oh P.S. If a mile is fuckall, and it's OK for the daughter to walk it in the dark late at night, why @tengreenbottleshanging are you not getting off your arse and walking to where your daughter is and walking BACK with her? Or is it only OK for HER to walk alone late at night? Hmm

As I say, I'm out. Horrible thread.

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🤪🤪🤪

Judgyjudgy · 22/12/2022 01:21

Well you actually can't if you've had too much to drink. Perhaps help her with an uber and tell her next time to plan in advance?

Whatifthegrassisblue · 22/12/2022 01:21

AlwaysLatte · 22/12/2022 00:47

I'd just book a taxi for her and have another glass of wine!

This!! Have two! 🙂

HoppingPavlova · 22/12/2022 01:29

I’d tell her to get a cab and then just run out and pay when it arrives.

I always used to walk home in the dark when necessary, definitely wasn’t coddled and spent decades ‘being an adult’ and now have adult children. Times have changed, that’s for sure. What was safe when I was a young woman even through to middle age, isn’t anymore. Yes, it’s rare for something to occur but even so, not really wanting to give the opportunity for it to be me or my DD. On that basis my DD wouldn’t walk it, however if she had not already pre-arranged a lift with myself/DH/brothers she would just catch a cab, she wouldn’t presume everyone was doing nothing and just sitting around in case she needed a lift. I also taught her when she started catching cabs to get a photo of the number plate before getting in and text it and the same for the driver ID card when in the car. Would make a rogue cab driver think twice knowing someone has done this up front.

leithreas · 22/12/2022 01:48

I'm honestly so shocked that so many women are so terrified and restrict their lives and the lives of their adult children so much. Is the UK really such a dangerous place? Where I live I wouldn't think twice about leaving the house for a walk in the dark down a well lit street at 9:30, I do it often. Being afraid to leave your house unless you are chaperoned or driving after 5pm in Winter must be so restrictive, it's really sad that so many of you feel that way and think it essential instil that fear in your daughters. Where I am you would be far more likely to come to harm in a car accident in your taxi than you would being attacked by a random stranger in a well lit area in the evenings.