to not collect my 18 year old daughter

[tengreenbottleshanging]

so she went off to have a treatment and was due to meet a friend after.I dropped her there. I came home , started a film and have had two glasses of wine so cant drive. She rang for me to collect her. She is a mile away , its well lit and a cool night where I am..no snow etc. She is losing the head that I wont/cant collect her. AIBU

Of COURSE you should have gone to get her. OR as a pp said, make sure she gets a taxi if you have had a drink, or get someone else to get her. There is no such thing as a very safe place. It's dark, late at night, and she is an 18 year old, barely out of childhood. Yet you're OK with her walking a mile alone at night.

Words fail me frankly.

WTF have I just read? You talk like your kids are a burden.

Why is everyone so fixated on safety?

Op has clearly said they live in a safe are, neither op nor her dd are concerned about safety

it just seems to be an excuse for folk to humble-brag about what amazing and conscientious parents they are

No one wants to. But sometimes you have to put down the wine and be a functioning parent FFS.

I'm just going to point out that 'well lit' means fuck all for women's safety.
Sarah Everard was walking home on a 'well lit' route too. If attackers want to attack a woman, they will regardless of the lighting situation.

Tell her to call a taxi. I wouldn't walk by myself either at 10pm.

These threads are quite informative for me.

They help explain to me the utter helplessness of so many young adult women I encounter, as an HCP; young women who apparently have never encountered any life-challenge without a parent to smooth things over, to advocate for, and to ameliorate any of life's bumps.

Like considering the possibility of a mile's walk at 9.30pm, without guaranteed 'back-up'.

I mean, these are young people who won't answer a phone unless they KNOWV who's ringing; so it makes sense that they can't walk a mile home.

@WhileMyGuitarGentlyWeeps

op’s daughter Isn’t a kid though is she, she’s 18 she’s an adult

LOL. Some people hit a raw nerve have they? Your last sentence screams 'defensive!' And I mean God FORBID mothers actually worry, and care about their children.

No one wants to. But sometimes you have to put down the wine and be a functioning parent FFS.

And if OPs daughter was ten years younger I'd completely agree.

The OP called her a kid. She said 'is there life outside of kids anymore?' Conveniently omitted that though to suit your own agenda. Very sly.

What really puzzles me is that many eighteen year olds go to uni quite large distances away.
Or they go travelling round Asia for a few months or whatever.

So why the horror at someone the same age having to make their own way home?

I certainly wouldn't have felt any safer having my mother escort me home, I was taller and stronger than her years before I turned eighteen.

@Onnabugeisha

OP’s daughter is EIGHTEEN YEARS OLD
she doesn’t need to put the wine down
in fact she should have another glass

But why? What’s the benefit?

Honestly, I believe most mothers worry about their child whatever their age but using that anxiety to micromanage their lives is damaging. From the first time my DC wanted to walk to school themselves, or go out to town by themselves I worried, but I didn't stop them. (They were/are age appropriate for these rites of passage). The world is not 100% safe, it never will be. So what does treating them like children when they are heading into adulthood actually achieve? My job is to help them be independent - not dependant.

So your assessment is that a parent who doesn’t personally walk their adult daughter home despite her not asking for that ‘doesn’t care’

please explain that logic to me, I’m struggling ?

I’d also LOVE to understand what specifically you think I’m defensive about exactly?

I'd be pouring another one (wine!).

But safe in the knowledge I'd raised a child who wouldn't, at 18, pull the 'I'm cold/come and collect me' stunt.

EXACTLY! Some of the posts on here are fucking disgusting and shameful. I can't believe anyone thinks like this is real life. I don't know anyone who does actually. 'errrr yeah daughter, get your fucking self home at nearly 10 at night in the dark.. just walk the mile alone. You'll be fine suck it up. I know someone who walks 4 miles when trains are on strike yeah right! get a grip and walk you lazy mare!'

Yep. Wouldn't happen. Not to anyone I know. All the parents I know care about their children - under 18 AND over 18 - far too much.

This thread is toxic. I'm out.

oh P.S. If a mile is fuckall, and it's OK for the daughter to walk it in the dark late at night, why @tengreenbottleshanging are you not getting off your arse and walking to where your daughter is and walking BACK with her? Or is it only OK for HER to walk alone late at night?

As I say, I'm out. Horrible thread.

How was she going to get home after she met her friend? Was her friend driving and going to drop her off?

I would think that an 18 year old should be able to find their own way home at 9.30pm, a mile from home and not make her mother accountable for it.

I can’t believe you’re even asking this!! Of course YANBU!! It’s. One. Mile!!

Yep.

I wonder if some of these parents who would never let their adult children walk home in the dark (swoon!) are planning on going to uni with them? Or perhaps on holiday/backpacking?

or perhaps it’s simpler just to micromanage and limit them as much as possible?

Crumbs this got very ermmm heated very quickly (the thread and your daughter's reaction). To this posters berating the op because of 'safety' fears and what point she's someone become 'safe' to walk a mile in the dark? Is there an age cut-off? Maybe if we're old and unattractive then we're safe? I mean I dispair.
Random attacks on strangers are still mercifully rare (that hey a lot of media coverage because they are upsetting and distressing) but the actual risk is objectively low. Depressingly you're much much more likely to be attacked by someone you know and/or a family member.
The op's daughter didn't plan and had an expectation that she'd call a mum taxi. At that age of be expecting DC to have a plan to get home and if it involves me then I need some notice/asking nicely.

Cos no one has any particular concerns for the dd’s safety.

she’s just cold.

you seem to have spectacularly misunderstood the OP

I've lived in 4 major cities on two continents and I've never been afraid to walk alone at night.

I would not want my dd walking at night in an ideal world, or myself for that matter. It's always better if people can walk together, or arrange transport.

In this situation, however, the dd is already out. No taxi is going to rush there within 15 min (or they wouldn't round us, taxi waiting times have gone up like crazy since all the taxi drivers went home after Brexit). The mum is going to take 15 min to walk to get her and can't drive. The logical thing then is for the dd to stride out, walking quickly and confidently and get home asap.

All other options are less safe- two people going out instead of one, waiting for a taxi for a while (and taxi drivers are not always 'safe'). I don't get why people think these are better options.

Good for you. Others haven't been so privileged.