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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

to not collect my 18 year old daughter

336 replies

tengreenbottleshanging · 21/12/2022 21:28

so she went off to have a treatment and was due to meet a friend after.I dropped her there. I came home , started a film and have had two glasses of wine so cant drive. She rang for me to collect her. She is a mile away , its well lit and a cool night where I am..no snow etc. She is losing the head that I wont/cant collect her. AIBU

OP posts:
UsingChangeofName · 21/12/2022 23:08

MolkosTeenageAngst · 21/12/2022 22:29

Why is it any safer for OP to walk the mile alone in order to meet her adult daughter than it is for her adult daughter to walk the mile alone? Surely either the route is safe for an adult woman to walk alone or it’s not.

Show quote history

I can't understand that suggestion either. It makes no sense.

Wizzelina · 21/12/2022 23:11

Definitely call her a taxi. No way would I have let my DD walk regardless of age. DH either collects me or I taxi and we live in a very low crime area. You can never be too careful. It’s wrong that women can’t go where they want but reality is nowhere is 100% safe unfortunately.

blueflagflyhigh · 21/12/2022 23:12

@FurAndFeathers Well I'm sure when she gets to that age she might have different ideas! 5pm though I think feels different to 9/10pm as less people/cars are out and about.

I wouldn't walk a mile in the dark at night by myself so I certainly wouldn't want any of my daughters to either. No doubt I'll be playing taxi when they are that age 🙈

There's just way too many women been attacked or murdered in "safe well lit areas".

UsingChangeofName · 21/12/2022 23:13

2chocolateoranges · 21/12/2022 22:35

I often wonder how many people on threads like this actually have teenage children?

it doesn’t matter what age they are you don’t stop worrying. If I were to phone my mum to say I was a mile away I know she would offer to walk to meet me and I’m 46.

I do. Well, did. Both in early 20s now.

I brought them up to be confident, independent adults. They'd look at me like Hmm if I suggested they weren't capable of walking a mile, or of risk assessing a situation.
At 18, both of them were living some hours' drive from me for most of the year, away at University. No, I didn't set out to drive them a mile home at any point.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2022 23:14

curvymumma79 · 21/12/2022 21:53

@BethJ62 yes. Maybe she doesn't feel safe walking on her own?

Would you of felt safe at 18?

@curvymumma79

err yes I would

Petronus · 21/12/2022 23:15

pinkceilingchoice · 21/12/2022 22:32

@tunthebloodyalarmoff

There is if you stop pandering to them yes !

Tell that to the mothers and fathers of DC who have been robbed, raped, accosted, murdered and assaulted metres from home

All our DDs and DSs are vulnerable and anyone who does not recognise that and says "we" as parents are pandering to them does not live in my world. I know when my DC/DSC are safe - I know when they need support and I know when they are pulling the wool over my eyes.

I thought my DSD was being "precious" when she insisted on a lift home (800 metres from station) - she felt "funny" (she was 19 and could not articulate it) - she was raped.

I agree with this. I can’t work out whether poster live somewhere really different to me and therefore would genuinely feel safe or are just more blasé but I wouldn’t want my teens doing this, not because of the distance but because of how late it is.

FurAndFeathers · 21/12/2022 23:17

blueflagflyhigh · 21/12/2022 23:12

@FurAndFeathers Well I'm sure when she gets to that age she might have different ideas! 5pm though I think feels different to 9/10pm as less people/cars are out and about.

I wouldn't walk a mile in the dark at night by myself so I certainly wouldn't want any of my daughters to either. No doubt I'll be playing taxi when they are that age 🙈

There's just way too many women been attacked or murdered in "safe well lit areas".

So is it the dark that’s the issue or the time?

you said you wouldn’t want your adult daughter walking after dark - that’s 5pm

plenty of women get murdered in broad daylight and the biggest risk to women is actually their intimate partner, that risk is significantly more than any stranger attack - will you stop her from marrying/ having relationships too?

it seems an odd way to live

2chocolateoranges · 21/12/2022 23:18

@TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet @BethJ62

You do your family and we will continue to do our family. It’s working well, we have 2 late teen early 20’s children who are doing well at uni and are confident individuals. Who know they can rely on their parents if need be.

Life circumstances have made me wary of walking about in the dark, we don’t all have happy pleasant times when out and about, Before what happened to me I would never have had concerns about walking anywhere myself. Life taught me differently.

Wronglane · 21/12/2022 23:21

@2chocolateoranges . I am sorry you got attacked whilst walking with a friend. But this is still exceptionally rare. And if it happened walking with a friend then why would her mum walking with her protect her?

Not even considering the fact the mum has to walk on her own to meet her.

I understand fear but don’t let it ruin your life. I am a single 46 year old. I walk home at night all the time. Should my 74yr old mum drive an hour or so to help me?!

MamboJamboWambo · 21/12/2022 23:23

2chocolateoranges · 21/12/2022 22:35

I often wonder how many people on threads like this actually have teenage children?

it doesn’t matter what age they are you don’t stop worrying. If I were to phone my mum to say I was a mile away I know she would offer to walk to meet me and I’m 46.

Sounds like your mum also needs to cut the apron strings from you.

blueflagflyhigh · 21/12/2022 23:24

@FurAndFeathers it's both the dark and the time. The later it gets the less likely there are people around. I didn't like walking home in the dark when I was that age and I still don't now.

Obviously when she's that age I can't control her but I'd def want to get her home safe, so wld get her a taxi, simples. I don't see what that has to do with her relationships or marrying anyone.

You are right though that people have obviously been attacked in daylight I just always think it seems more likely when it's dark.

Florenz · 21/12/2022 23:25

It wouldn't have even crossed my mind to ring my parents for a lift at 18, or even younger than that. 1 mile is a short walk. It's ridiculous that this is even a discussion.

DuesToTheDirt · 21/12/2022 23:26

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 21/12/2022 22:29

Where I live, the answer would depend on the size and the timing of the wine. 2 standard drinks over 2 hours = legal, although I prefer not to.

Generally though, my 18yo gets himself to and from places unless we've organised something in advance or it's an emergency.

I'm surprised, and I'm wondering where you live. I live in Scotland, where the legal alcohol limit is next to nothing.

2 drinks within 2 hours and I'd definitely feel an effect.

UndertheCedartree · 21/12/2022 23:26

I'd be embarrassed to call a taxi or get my mum out for a 15 minute walk! She's cold - well best start walking - she'll soon warm up!

Lost123454 · 21/12/2022 23:27

Sounds like you've raised a spoilt, entitled brat

She's an adult, if she doesn't want to walk she should call a taxi

FrostyFifi · 21/12/2022 23:27

I'd imagine she's home by now.

Nimbostratus100 · 21/12/2022 23:27

Oysterbabe · 21/12/2022 21:39

Why all the talk of taxis? It's a short walk, lazy mare.

because it is night and there is safety to consider- I would happily walk 10 miles in the day, but not one mile at night

FurAndFeathers · 21/12/2022 23:30

blueflagflyhigh · 21/12/2022 23:24

@FurAndFeathers it's both the dark and the time. The later it gets the less likely there are people around. I didn't like walking home in the dark when I was that age and I still don't now.

Obviously when she's that age I can't control her but I'd def want to get her home safe, so wld get her a taxi, simples. I don't see what that has to do with her relationships or marrying anyone.

You are right though that people have obviously been attacked in daylight I just always think it seems more likely when it's dark.

because if your reasoning is that you’re aiming to mitigate risk then perhaps you should focus on the biggest risks, not the exaggerated ones.

regardless your reasoning is pretty irrelevant to the op - there aren’t any safety concerns, only discomfort in the cold

Yellowcakestand · 21/12/2022 23:32

Did OP walk? Is that where they have gone.

Your DD isnt a kid, she is an adult! Who does seem to have money to be able to pay for a treatment and go out with friends.

I moved out of my parents at 16.

KarmaStar · 21/12/2022 23:34

Depends if you'd arranged to collect her.
depends if she's vulnerable.
depends if she's going to get home safely.
If it was me I'd listen to my instincts,not drive but possibly book a taxi for my peace of mind.
but screaming at you is unacceptable.

2chocolateoranges · 21/12/2022 23:36

MamboJamboWambo · 21/12/2022 23:23

Sounds like your mum also needs to cut the apron strings from you.

Show quote history

😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂😂

apron strings are well and truly cut, I left home 23 years ago and been married that length of time,

I know that no matter what my mum would be there for me. I’ve never actually phoned her to meet me but know that she would as she is so kind and caring. However I would phone my dh before I phoned my mum. Because you know how “vulnerable and old” a person in their 70’s are 😂😂

Backtoblack1 · 21/12/2022 23:39

Theimpossiblegirl · 21/12/2022 22:02

It's dark and late. I'd either walk and meet her or offer a taxi. I'm all for not pandering in general but women feel unsafe walking alone for good reason.

Agree with this x

TerrysNeapolitan · 21/12/2022 23:39

Lcb123 · 21/12/2022 21:45

my god, I used to walk 2 miles each way to work when I was 14. Wouldn’t even bother asking for a lift. Kids so soft nowadays

This. Lived on my own in London at 18. FFS.

LuckySantangelo35 · 21/12/2022 23:40

MamboJamboWambo · 21/12/2022 23:23

Sounds like your mum also needs to cut the apron strings from you.

Show quote history

@2chocolateoranges

also

why would you allow her to come meet you??
if it’s too dangerous for you to walk alone surely it’s too dangerous for her as well?

SunshineLoving · 21/12/2022 23:42

Some of these replies are very strange IMO.

I would have discussed with my daughter before I dropped her off how she was getting home.

I wouldn't ever have my child walk home in the dark when I am in walking distance to meet them. I would either make sure she was being picked up/met by me or or a relative.

This world is a crazy place and the it it is a mother's instinct to make sure her child gets home safe.