Received this anonymous message re: H

[Blossom4538]

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

As someone has said the lack of sex does nt mean he’s gay, it could’ve performance anxiety, stress, low testosterone, low sex drive.

Is he as invested as you about trying to get to the bottom of it or is he 'trying to ignore it'.

Most people accused of something like this who is innocent would want to find out the provenance of such text and be angry.

If he is trying to downplay it and doesn't want to talk about it, I would be suspicious.

Clearly it is someone who knows you well enough to have your phone number and to know DH's name. (unless you've posted your number on sm or something like that)

I guess you could snoop around a little.
Check his computer history for porn. If he's watching a lot of gay porn...

Has he given any reason for no sex? How long has it been?
Does he manscape?

Why do you think he could be bi?

This ☝️
I'm sorry this is happening to you OP.

What a vile and unkind message to send. I dont think this is a general spam text though if they used his name specifically as they wouldnt know it. This is someone who knows him.

In his book "the gift of fear" Gavin Becker talks about stalkers (not saying this is one but the same principles apply) and advises that instead of focusing on who you think sent it, you list all the people who could have sent it and in that list is likely to be the culprit. Often its someone we would never expect. As for their motivation- could be jealousy, could they fancy your husband and want him to come out as gay? they clearly want a result from this - to cause aggro between you. Think about who might possibly benefit from that. Trust your instincts, we often pick up on warning signs from others without realising it.

💛

To me, the message sounds like it’s from someone, probably male, who fancies your DH but has been rejected.
Your suspicion that DH may be bi could easily be true which is why this person has hope. Perhaps a work colleague who your DH has confided in, or maybe just been a bit flirty with at a work drinks/party.
I would be very surprised if your DH doesn’t have any idea who it might be.

I would say it is true.
I would say it is possibly someone who likes you and wants you to know but cannot say it to your face and wants to be totally anonymous.

The fact its anonymous and you can't reply to the message would suggest its been sent through an online site, probably one like a pp listed above.

If you honestly think he wouldn't be cheating on you, perhaps you both need to start thinking if either of you (most likely him) have wronged anyone. Even in the past.

I think the fact its saying he is gay, as opposed to cheating leads more towards either a stupid prank, or someone with a grudge against your DH wanting to cause him trouble in his life.

You may well adore each other. But you are not having sex, and he may be having it with someone else. You need to talk..

Theyve probably sent the message and blocked your number wait a week and call off your home phone

So it was sent to your number, had his name and you've got no sex life? Honestly, this isn't the sort of text that tends to do the rounds randomly. It sounds very specific and targeted in that they appear to know you have no sex life with him.

They could have told you he was having sex with absolutely anyone but specifically told you he's doing it with men so I'd be digging deeper with this. Start looking for clues when he's out. Ask to check his phone and see his reaction.

I’ve checked all my social media and as I suspect, my mobile no is not available for anyone to see.

He hasn’t many friends or social life, but lots of work colleagues. How would they have my no though?
I have a small, lovely group of friends. I don’t work.

I have someone I felt some chemistry with, although nothing would happen and they are now in a happy relationship. They have my number.

Two girlfriends now about marriage stuff. I don’t think they would do it.
H wants to get to the bottom of it and hasn’t downplayed it. His reaction denying it seemed genuine. I will talk to him more though.
This has totally thrown me today.

At the height of the AIDS crisis a friend of mine was approached by someone she didn't really know, lived in the same area and knew each other by sight. The woman said, "Your husband is gay and he's having an affair with X, everyone knows but you. They are quite open about it in the village pub."

She confronted him and he admitted it, packed his bags and left. She was devastated, had to get herself tested for HIV etc. He set up home with the other man and said he had every gay man's dream a family, lovely kids and the man he loved. Didn't work out in the long term as once the kids were teenagers they refused to see him.

It can happen but equally it can be someone malicious. If he denies it I'm not sure what you can do.

The shortened name should give you a steer as to who it might be. They are obviously someone who knows you both well enough to have phone numbers and nick names. Personally I couldn’t ignore this.

Does your DH trust anyone enough that they’d have access to his phone, would know your name and could copy your number? Could he have been out with friends or at a work do and let someone look through his phone?

If it was me I would try and send it from a different number if I could get one. But I would send something like: "happy Christmas 🎄" to see if thete was a response.

Also why send it close to Xmas

And if it's true and she's being humiliated because her husband can't he honest?

Save the number in WhatsApp and it often shows a profile picture which might help work out who the devil it is.

You say you dont think they would do it but sadly, people do all kinds of unkind things behind closed doors. One of my friends found out her best friend was having an affair with her husband. She was completely blindsided by it and the betrayal from her friend was almost harder to bear than her husband. Obv not all people are like this but you really dont know what kind of nasty thoughts are brewing in someone else's mind.

I doubt the real issue is who sent it, but why.

In my life, (I am 50) I have had two (what I thought) were 100% utterly ridiculous things told to me about my husband,. Absolutely both were true. One thing by his family member, one by a lawyer.

Exactly the same thing happened vto a friend of mine (in similar circs. as yours) It was true. The friends friend confessed much later, by which point is was irrelevant. She had done what needed to be done for her friend who was now happily divorced and no longer being made a fool of.

Oh babe. With what you said, yeah I think it’s true. I think you know that as well.

So sorry 😞

I think deep down you know this is true, and likely have known for a long time , but it doesn’t matter to you . I think you need to tell him that.

op the message doesn’t say he’s cheating, it says he’s gay, there is no accusation of cheating , so I don’t understand why you keep saying I don’t believe it he’s not cheating, he isn’t accused of that. They are saying you’re married to a gay man,

they are asking you why you stay with a gay man pretending he isn’t, knowing he’s lying . And telling you the marriage is over, which may or may not be true.

as said, I think part of it is true, you do know he’s gay

Why do we also put the onus of humiliation on the woman?

the only one who should feel humiliated is this weak, lying man.