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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received this anonymous message re: H

401 replies

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:50

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

OP posts:
Mortimermay · 21/12/2022 09:16

I agree with the previous post that they've either sent it through a website or they've blocked your number so you can't respond. They're unlikely to be able to just leave it at that which again makes me think it's someone who is close to one of you and can either watch the fall out or talk to your husband. There's no gain for them in sending it otherwise. I'd keep an eye out for people showing an interest in your relationship.

SnowlayRoundabout · 21/12/2022 09:16

Have you talked to your husband about the lack of sex? What reason does he give?

Wheresthebeach · 21/12/2022 09:16

Well…it could be true, esp as you’re not having any sex and you’ve clearly your suspicions about his sexuality. You say Bi, but maybe he’s gay but struggling to come out of the closet. I think you’d be daft to ignore it.

Name99 · 21/12/2022 09:16

Why have you thought he could be bisexual?

GonnaGetGoingReturns · 21/12/2022 09:17

It sounds like either a current or ex lover or someone who knows something and wants to shit stir.

it would seem too specific and in light of what you say re your relationship it’s probably true.

What you do about it is another matter.

Quveas · 21/12/2022 09:18

There actually are some fairly nasty "prank" sites from which you can personalise and send messages like this. Personally I would tell you to delete it and not give it a second thought. If anyone had your (or even his) best interests at heart, they wouldn't do something like this.

The lack of a sex life is something quite different. If that matters to you, then find a way to talk about that. There are many other (and better) explanations for lack of libido than being gay!

lucya66 · 21/12/2022 09:19

Sounds like the sender is angry and vile. sounds like they are projecting their shit onto you. Even if it’s true, that’s no way to share the information.

Don’t let this nasty angry person ruin your life. Talk to your H and allow him to be open with you. Through talking, you need to decide if he’s in denial (create a safe space for him) or if he genuinely is straight, hasn’t cheated and this person is incorrect.

getting to the truth will help you decide what to do to move forward.

good luck

SuKnackered · 21/12/2022 09:20

Anonymous people are best ignored. I would delete it and feel a bit sorry for its rather pathetic writer.

If you are unhappy about the lack of sex, then perhaps address this - but that's very different from listening to a random anonymous weirdo.

TheShellBeach · 21/12/2022 09:21

My ex-husband turned out to be bisexual and eventually decided that he was gay.

I had suspected for ages. OP, if you have no sex life I have a feeling that this text is true. It doesn't mean your DH is cheating but he might have been to a gay bar, for example. Mine did once, after the office Christmas do (which I did not attend).

rainbowstardrops · 21/12/2022 09:22

Who knows if it's a lover/ex/someone who wants to piss you off but why do you think your husband might be bisexual?

If he's denied anything untoward then I don't suppose you have any option but to sit it out and keep your eyes open.

Rewis · 21/12/2022 09:22

Does it matter to you if it's true? If you adore each other but have no sex life, do you mind that he is gay? The message doesn't say anything about cheating but if he is hooking up with men, would that be a dealbreaker for you under your circumstances?

Fuwari · 21/12/2022 09:24

Yes I think given what you’ve said about your relationship, it’s probably true. It comes down to what you want to do about it. Interestingly, it doesn’t say he’s cheated, it just says he’s gay. I think he may have got close to someone and said he’s not leaving his marriage. Hence the message, hence also why your DH could honestly reply that he hasn’t cheated. Also why the message says “fooling yourselves”.

Are you “fooling yourselves”? That’s the question. If you’re both happy with no sex in the marriage and you have no other problems between you, I guess you can just ignore. But, if your husband is gay, will that always be enough for him? That would be my concern.

Tdcp · 21/12/2022 09:24

Show him the text and gauge his reaction to it?

Sugargliderwombat · 21/12/2022 09:26

It could be that he has confided he thinks he may be gay to someone, he hasn't necessarily cheated.

Beautiful3 · 21/12/2022 09:26

If you're having trouble in the bedroom department, then it could be true? Just ask him. See what he says.

leelan · 21/12/2022 09:27

I would be trying to contact that number but telephone and see who it is. Cannot see that being a spam text tbh. It's probably a man who has been in contact with your H. Very sorry OP.

Newusernameaug · 21/12/2022 09:29

It sounds like someone who has a crush on your darling husband…. And he clearly believes they’re gay!

Christmasinbed · 21/12/2022 09:32

What a shitty position to put you in..

WomanhoodIsABirthright · 21/12/2022 09:34

Why do you think he could be bi, op?

Has he ever cheated before?

Could it be someone that fancies you and wants to cause ructions?

GelPens1 · 21/12/2022 09:34
  1. What is the reason for the lack of sex in your marriage?
  2. How long have you been in a sexless marriage?
  3. Why do you think he’s bisexual? Some gay men start off as bi but then come out as gay.
Original poster
Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 09:34

We’ve been together since teenagers so I know it’s not an ex. I can’t see where he’d have time for an affair and his response seemed genuine

OP posts:
Peasepuddingbloodycold · 21/12/2022 09:35

We used to call these poison pen letters, didn't we? How horrible :(

Does it matter? Are you and your husband happy with your marriage?

Quveas · 21/12/2022 09:35

www.spoofbox.com/en/app/spoof-sms

This is just one of the many sites that came up on an inncoent google search! For those who are saying it must be true, it's sad to say that people can be nasty and vile and enjoy hurting others.

JackandVera · 21/12/2022 09:37

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:59

I tried messaging back and it won’t send. It’s come from “anonymous” at 6:25 this morning.

Our marriage isn’t perfect in the bedroom department but we adore each other and I totally believe from his reaction that he hasn’t cheated and isn’t gay.
WTF though? Who would send such a thing!

Sadly there are very few honest men who will fess up about an affair or something like this.

TheGuv1982 · 21/12/2022 09:40

How many people have your number? Because that will give you an idea where this came from.

I struggle with the idea of a jilted lover, because how would they get your number, unless it’s obtainable through your social media profiles.

Do you work with anyone that you’ve recently fallen out with? Or work somewhere where people might be immature enough to find this a funny joke after a few drinks?

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