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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Received this anonymous message re: H

401 replies

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:50

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

OP posts:
JoyBeorge · 21/12/2022 11:49

Probably too late to check his phone now. If he is lying to you he would have removed any evidence by now.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 11:50

All this guessing.

some facts.

it’s from someone you know well who has your number and knows your husband.
it’s from someone who refers to your husband by the shortened version of his name.
it’s from someone who is angry /frustrated /disgusted about you being together.

additional facts
you have a purely platonic relationship, not even kissing.
you got together as teens where coming out may not have been an option for him, or even something he fully realised he was.

I strongly suspect op your husband knows exactlywho it is from. It isn’t someone looking out for you. It’s someone frustrated by rhe situation and want it resolved.a bit like the other woman telling the wife, but this time it’s the other man.

so if I was you, if you want to know, I’d think about all the men who have your number who call your husband by his shortened name, and who maybe acting not quiet right round the two of you

im sorry this is happening to you. As said I think you knew and it seems you’re ok with accepting it. So maybe it’s not so bad for you, more the fact someone else knows, possibly others.

Butitsnotfunnyisititsserious · 21/12/2022 11:54

I know my friend is a bit jealous of the wife..

Your friend is a terrible person

BreatheAndFocus · 21/12/2022 11:54

Whether he’s gay/bi/cheating or not, I wouldn’t be pushed into decisions or actions because of an anonymous text from somebody who sounds jealous. Don’t hand that person control, OP. That text was sent to unsettle you - and just before Xmas too.

Ignore it. Decide yourself what you want to do about your lack of sex life and your life in general. Even if you were to get a text with 100% accurate info, never give the sender the benefit of dancing to their tune. These texts are rarely sent to help.

JocelynBurnell · 21/12/2022 11:57

BreatheAndFocus · 21/12/2022 11:54

Whether he’s gay/bi/cheating or not, I wouldn’t be pushed into decisions or actions because of an anonymous text from somebody who sounds jealous. Don’t hand that person control, OP. That text was sent to unsettle you - and just before Xmas too.

Ignore it. Decide yourself what you want to do about your lack of sex life and your life in general. Even if you were to get a text with 100% accurate info, never give the sender the benefit of dancing to their tune. These texts are rarely sent to help.

Well said.

prh47bridge · 21/12/2022 11:57

Northseacrone · 21/12/2022 11:01

People who send these kind of anonymous messages are 100% always doing it to cause upset. Either:

  • It is a total stranger. The internet is not as private as we think when it comes to getting hold of names and numbers - think how many spam calls get through to our phones. They've hit a nerve, as would be the case in many relationships. What would your reaction be if the message said he was a serial killer or Russian spy? 'Cheating' is a universal accusation that will cause upset. And no, it's not always about scamming money - often it's just dudes in their mum's basements guffawing about how many strangers they can upset.
  • It's someone you know. I have a friend who admitted to doing this kind of stuff ("when I was much younger"), always in response to petty slights or fallings out. Why not open up the mystery to your circle of friends? Maybe others have received the same message and are now fretting about their own partners.
Unless your H is a celebrity and his secret toy-boy has got an injunction against him, there is no other excuse for anonymous messages!

This 100%. The allegation may be true. It may not be true. But whoever sent this message anonymously is trying to cause trouble. They may be hoping you will dump him and that he will fall into their arms (which doesn't necessarily mean they are or have been in a relationship with him, or that he has given any indication of fancying them, just that they see you as the obstacle to their chances). They may simply be making trouble for the fun of it - there are far too many people like that. But, whatever the motive, their motive is not to help you. It is to cause problems in your marriage.

I have direct experience of this (although in my case it wasn't a text message and it wasn't anonymous). Another man fancied my then partner. It was obvious to me, but she was convinced he was just a friend. He lied to her, claiming I had begged my ex-wife to take me back. I hadn't, but this played to my girlfriend's insecurities. She believed him, dumped me and a few weeks later fell into his arms.

Andsoforth · 21/12/2022 11:58

Could it be from someone who you have confided in, or someone just beyond that circle who they might have gossiped with, who would have your phone number?

The obvious answer is a jilted lover, but maybe it’s someone in your own circle being nasty. Or maybe one of your female friends, who tried it on with your dh and concluded he must be gay because he turned her down.

Either way it’s a vile, cowardly and nasty text to send.

Wisteriaroundthedoor · 21/12/2022 12:03

The fact the person says the marriage has been over for a long time would indicate to me op your husband has been sexually involved with another man. I suspect that’s who it is from.

the fact he says you need to get out as you’re both fooling yourselves tells me it’s an angry lover whi he won’t leave you for. The fooling yourselves is it’s the believing you’re happy and love each other.

but I’m not sure you are fooling yourselves. I think you both know but it’s the thing that must never be spoken. He isn’t going to leave you, with kids with additional needs, break up his family, and come out as gay, and you accept this and are happy with it, I do believe you likely love and care for each other in a friendship couple.

as you developed feelings for someone else. It seems he did too. As ultimately it’s not enough for either of you. That’s really part of the problem. How long can you keep this up

Cas112 · 21/12/2022 12:04

Just because you adore each other doesn't mean he isn't cheating and isn't gay. What other reason would your sex life he struggling?

MatronicO6 · 21/12/2022 12:07

I am sorry to say I think there is something to this.

The fact they call your husband by shortened name and could get your number indicates a clear link. Added to that your relationship sounds platonic rather than an intimate sexual relationship. Has he expressed any unhappiness with this? Moreover the fact you could see him being bisexual, that means you could believe he would have sex with a man.

SKIPWAY · 21/12/2022 12:07

I'm so sorry what a horribly malicious message to receive. I think the only thing you can do is t show the text and talk to your husband by I understand how difficult that will be. He may or may not have had an affair, confested his doubts his sexuality or has a harmless flirt with a member of the same sex on a night out and they could be historical or recent. The sender of the text could be anyone from a concerned friend to a vindictive ex. Your husband most likely is very much in love with you can committed to continue the marriage irrespective of whether he is gay/bi or straight, unfortunately talking to him is the only way you'll know. Good luck x

MrsTumblebee · 21/12/2022 12:09

Op, what a nightmare for you. But whether it’s true or not only your husband will know and now is probably the time to have an honest discussion about your marriage and what you (both) get out of it. You made two references to having feelings for someone else. Was that two people or you just mentioned the same person twice?

PollyAmour · 21/12/2022 12:11

It's probably his boyfriend who is fed up of being your husband's dirty little secret and wants their relationship to be out in the open.

To be honest, your marriage sounds more like a loving platonic friendship. Tell your husband what you suspect and let him be free to live life as the person he really is.

SweetSakura · 21/12/2022 12:13

I'm not sure it is malicious. If my husband was having gay sex I would want to know.

It sounds to me like there is something to this.The fact you don't have a sex life in particular means I don't think you can just dismiss this as definitely not true. But he is likely to deny it and deny it unless you get some more evidence

Echobelly · 21/12/2022 12:14

I don't think a scam, but could be someone (male or female) wanting to get in his pants and trying to get you to split up?

Original poster
Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 12:17

He’s never been confident sexually and I was the first person he was with.

He thinks it’s all a mystery at the moment - the message and wants to get to the bottom
of it.

He works hard and comes home, doesn’t go out in the evenings! Maybe he’s chatting with someone. I just don’t think he’d do that though. Appreciate I sound naive.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor what you wrote makes sense, thanks.

Thank you to everyone. I can’t concentrate on a thing now and I have an epic Xmas gift and food shop to do!

OP posts:
PinkyFlamingo · 21/12/2022 12:17

What does he say the reasons are fir no sex?

Novemberhater · 21/12/2022 12:17

Your DH may not be cheating on you. This message could have come from a man who has a crush on him and is jealous.

Having inadvertently married a gay man when I was young, it was a doomed relationship and very traumatic for me.

JocelynBurnell · 21/12/2022 12:23

I did earlier this year develop feelings for someone but nothing would happen there.

There is also the possibility that it came via your friendship circle, i.e. someone who knows you and/or received information from your friends.

HelsyQ · 21/12/2022 12:24

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 12:17

He’s never been confident sexually and I was the first person he was with.

He thinks it’s all a mystery at the moment - the message and wants to get to the bottom
of it.

He works hard and comes home, doesn’t go out in the evenings! Maybe he’s chatting with someone. I just don’t think he’d do that though. Appreciate I sound naive.

@Wisteriaroundthedoor what you wrote makes sense, thanks.

Thank you to everyone. I can’t concentrate on a thing now and I have an epic Xmas gift and food shop to do!

Ok - so if this message came through about my boyfriend or ex I know they wouldn’t give it a second thought, we would both clearly know it’s a prank and it would never come up again.

He cares enough to want to get to the bottom of it? OP I’m sorry but it seems as if there is definitely truth to this. It’s just far too coincidental that you’ve had a text calling him gay and you already think he could be bisexual.

I think you know the truth but you’re I’m denial about it.

ScroogeMcDuckling · 21/12/2022 12:24

I think it’s someone closer to you op than your husband

Have you pissed someone off who is harbouring a grudge

You got close to someone who apparently is very happy in their new relationship

Perhaps, they are hoping by saying he’s gay, you are going to flounce off and the lady is going to console him into a new relationship, and your the loser who looks like a liar.

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 12:25

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:59

I tried messaging back and it won’t send. It’s come from “anonymous” at 6:25 this morning.

Our marriage isn’t perfect in the bedroom department but we adore each other and I totally believe from his reaction that he hasn’t cheated and isn’t gay.
WTF though? Who would send such a thing!

I’m sorry but perhaps it’s Someone who knows your husband.

Affairs are always so unexpected. I’ve been there. I would have put money on my ex H being faithful but even he failed.

BMrs · 21/12/2022 12:26

That's really awful! I had something similar a few years ago, an anonymous letter addressed to me saying my husband was having an affair. I didn't believe it. Turns out he had fired someone at work as he caught them stealing ALOT of money and they did it to get him back. We had a baby at the time and it could have split our family. People can do terrible things!

I remember thinking in this day and age, if your husband was cheating then there would be screenshots as evidence, not just a random text.

IneedanewTV · 21/12/2022 12:27

Also my ex H never went out in the evenings and was a hard worker. His colleague had a flat near the office - lunchtimes and early finishes. In hindsight he probably took the day off too but I wouldn’t know.

Stravaig · 21/12/2022 12:28

If it is true, then DH would presumably contact whoever sent the message as soon as possible. Could you look out for signs of that?