Received this anonymous message re: H

[Blossom4538]

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

Don't expend energy trying to work out who sent it. Speak to him. Ask him what he wants to do and be guided by him. There is no way this is a scam. Sometimes others that are standing back can see more than us when we are up close and you might find that you can have an excellent relationship in the future without the pressure that you feel your are under to have sex.

I would be looking to set him free and see what happens after that.

The message, in conjunction with the sexless but good friendship-type marriage and the fact you all have been together since you were teenagers so he didn't have that exploratory dating/sex phase, makes me think there is some truth to it.

Agree with this OP. The two very closeted gay men I've known have been with their teenage sweethearts and no one else, married for years but essentially just good friends with nothing else going on.

And I don't mean this in a bitchy way OP but if there was no question of this not being true... You wouldn't be wondering or have posted.

Not every situation is the same, but I was with my (gay, as it turned out) ex from a young age. First serious relationship for both of us, so no opportunity for exploring sexuality, best friends, no kissing (he said he didn't like it). We did have regular sex, but by the time we were separating, I realised (or finally faced up to the fact) that he we only had sex when he'd been drinking. Always in bed, under the covers, in the dark. I'm now in a new relationship with a straight man and the difference is astonishing.

I've heard the stories of a lot of other straight partners of closeted gay men and these are quite common themes. Of course, there could be another explanation but him actually being gay seems completely plausible to me.

My ex was watching gay porn for a decade without me having any idea.

OP, I can completely understand not wanting it to be true, but the more you share about your relationship, the more it reflects what I've heard from other women married to gay men.

Counselling might be the best place to have the conversation. Sometimes it feels safer to tell the truth when there's someone else there.

If you can't be bothered/haven't got time to RTFT then at least have a look at all of OPs posts and you'll find the answer to your question.

Who made you the thread police?

Regardless of who sent it and whether or not he is, do you care? You are living with a guy you adore and seem to be ok with no sex, sod what society thinks, it's your life. Also if it is true how does the sender know you don't already know and don't give a fuck?

I know 2 people in this situation and both chose to stay married. I don't think it's as rare as you think.

What sort of job does your DH have? Just thinking who else might have your number - your number would be listed as his next of kin for work, could be someone he works with/has a relationship with?

No-one, it's just polite when there's seven pages to not just jump in with such an obvious question that was answered v early on. Have a lovely day :)

I’d believe it. It doesn’t say he’s cheating just he is gay so completely likely to be true

OP, in terms of a sexless relationship my DM and stepdad haven’t had sex (or rarely) due to DM’s medical condition - she told me this. About 5 years before he was due to retire we were all out (DB, me and DM) to see a sick family friend. Suddenly DM got a very sexual text from my stepdad (her DH) which used a pet name they didn’t use and was obviously sent in error by him - Eg not to the OW. He had plenty of time to see someone, when he was at the gym, pub etc and he went away on business a lot and to residential courses. My DB tried to deflect and said it was nothing whereas I (I don’t really get on with my stepdad various reasons) was happy to encourage her to end things, I even saw my colleague who was a divorce matrimonial lawyer. DM didn’t want to lose her house though and after 2 divorces didn’t want a third. Luckily after my stepdad retired the affair appeared to end, he doesn’t go anywhere and during covid certainly not to the gym or pub. Maybe getting caught by his own mistake scared him enough to know he’d have to leave the family home etc.

Anyway, what I’m saying is, yes it’s rare for men to be in sexless relationships and they can definitely find ways of having affairs.

If you want to be an ostrich that’s fine but I get the feeling this’ll blow up again but m the future, next year maybe.

It makes a lot of sense with your updates on his lack of sexual experience as a teenager.

Sounds like his lover (male).

Oh re the text. DM did confront my stepdad who naturally denied it all, said either it was meant for her (it wasn’t, totally different to any texts they shared) or it was an error with his phone. DM didn’t ask to see his phone but I often wondered when I visited them and saw him on his iphone what he was up to…

Stepdad had been abroad to Europe (including Holland several times), Far East, Australia and America in the past for business and I’m now 99.9% sure he used prostitutes at least once, knowing the likelihood of being found out was zero.

Stepdad was also 10 years younger than DM and quite good looking at one point.

I suppose if both of you are in denial, neither of you are going to believe this could be true regardless. Clearly someone who knows you wants you to know what they were already aware of behind the scenes.

Not sure if it’s been mentioned already, but could he be asexual? Sounds like you’d both benefit from therapy.

Def from the man in love with him...

@pigsducksandchickens

the vast majority of people are not asexual though and therefore would not be truly happy with a sexless marriage

OP mentioned the other day (further up this thread) that she misses kissing and having sex. Then she backtracked saying she’s ‘happy’ to be in a sexless marriage. Her husband is the one that doesn’t want to have sex with the person he is married to.

Thanks so much all.

@VisaGeezer @Blondewithredlips The “how would they have my number” questions was more to the suggestion he’s just been chatting with people on dating/gay apps etc. Appreciate if there is a “real life” relationship that the person could access my number via H’s phone. I’m not that naive! But I really appreciate your responses on the thread.

We do adore each other and there is nothing particularly to work at, the lack of sex is an issue. Just busy lives/SEN children etc causing us to be tired and snappy at times, but we don’t argue and get on very well.

H lost his virginity at a later age than average - with me. Until recently, it appeared the lack of sex over recent YEARS hasn’t bothered him at all. I have had concerns about it but it didn’t bother me too much. The past year or so, I’ve been feeling like I am missing it and that’s difficult. I sadly don’t fancy it with him. I haven’t spoken to H properly about it yet.

When H was younger, just before we met, a friend who is Bi made a pass at him, but H rejected his advances. He had a couple of girlfriends prior to me. I appreciate he could have been in denial, not sure of his sexuality.

A few months ago I did have a short chat with him and was a little tearful. Told him I loved him but felt like things had changed.

He was concerned, knows there is a lack of sex, wants me happy and started being a lot lovelier and less stressy. He’s never been horrible though! At the time he said that things do change over time, older with kids etc, compared to our younger days!

There is a spelling mistake in the anonymous message sent to me. It is a very, very common mistake that people make though.

I went through my messages and found two people who made that spelling mistake.

But again, it’s very common one to make.

I will be talking to H more about it. I don’t want to upset the Xmas period too much, for the sake of the children. I will need to wait until later next week I think. Or I’m tempted to do it tonight!

I don’t work and don’t know how I’d cope as a single Mum. But I want us both to be happy.

Person I had/have feelings for - nothing could ever happen.
i have to see them very regularly though.

We’ve never discussed and carried on as friends, I’ve never mentioned my feelings.

I get the impression he knew though.

He has been chatting to me a little just before Xmas and mentioned his girlfriend a lot! He has no idea about anything to do with my marriage.

I do know he has a family member and friends who are gay…

I also have a close friend who it could be, but usually doesn’t refer to him ever by his shortened name. I don’t think it’s them, but won’t rule out.

I can’t help obsessing over who sent it!
Obviously the most important thing is discussing and getting to the bottom it things with H and talking about our relationship. We are super close and I care about him so much. I just want honesty and happiness.

Who in your life have you talked with about your relationship/lack of sex?

This is the story of two people sharing their life for many years, both of them are not interested in sex so they have no sex life which is perfectly fine with them.

Well, except it isn't. They don't want sex with each other, which is not the same thing as not wanting sex at all. I appreciate that some people are happy being celibate but the OP has clearly stated that she does miss sex - just not with her husband.

Honestly, I would say there is some truth in the text. How old are you both? Whilst people are now more accepting of different sexualities, that's not long been the case. Certainly for people born prior to around 1990, I think there may be more homophobia, much of it internalised. So the fact he's dated women does not make him straight or even bi.

I went through my messages and found two people who made that spelling mistake.
But again, it’s very common one to make

It's not a complete leap that it's either of them OP. Fairly convenient that the same spelling mistake is made by the anonymous sender and the two people in your messages. Are they two people that you could meet up with over Xmas? See how they are around you. If there's an uneasy atmosphere then that would answer your question.

I think you need for focus on the issue with your DH rather than who sent the message.

Perhaps over the next few days or whatever, you should ponder the question of whether you would be willing to continue as you are if your husband is in fact secretly bi or gay, and would you want to split?

Would you be willing to have an open marriage in which you stay together but have your special needs met elsewhere?

Would you in fact rather not know at all and continue in ignorant bliss?

Are you truly happy in a sexless marriage?

Why does your husband seem happy in a sexless marriage?

There’s lots to think about. Good luck op. Hopefully, whatever the outcome, you remain the best of friends.

Sexual needs, not special needs. Ffs.