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Original poster

Received this anonymous message re: H

401 replies

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:50

Hi, posted here for traffic. A little upset at the moment. I recieved this text message from
an anonymous sender today:-

“Why are you staying with xxxx. You know he is gay right? You need to get out of that situation you’re both fooling yourselves. The marriage is finished and has been for a long time”

Is it something doing the rounds or genuine? I’ve spoken to H and believe it’s not true and he’s not cheating. We do not have any sex life though and I could believe he’s bi-sexual.

They have my no and H’s name - shortened version which other people use, not me.

what the hell?!

OP posts:
Quitelikeacatslife · 23/12/2022 03:12

I'd be worried about the wording of what he is denying, ie I'm not gay (but could be bi) I'm not cheating (but could be in gay bar? Or hook up? Experimental snog etc not classed as cheating?) and of course he would be happy to ponder with you who had sent it and go down the path of saying it is a scam.

My guess is that as you are effectively asking him to live a sexless life, he may be reeling and casting his eye around, perhaps someone has seen him? Or someone you knows friend is on gay dating site and they've seen him? Some people who've been through it may hate that he's playing happy families?
It could be that if he is honest with you then from what you describe you could live with it? Maybe he needs to know that?

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 23/12/2022 06:34

I too am wondering if he sent it to plant the seed. He doesn't have the courage to confront the issue head on.

Chelseagreen · 23/12/2022 07:16

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 10:21

I’ve been feeling like I need more and things aren’t quite right, but he knows that. We are like the closest of friends and honest with each other.
I did earlier this year develop feelings for someone but nothing would happen there.
I adore H and we have a lot of responsibility between us with SEN children.
I miss kissing, sex life.
We are affectionate with lots of hugs. He is the sweetest, most honest man. He can hide his feelings sometimes.

We’ll speak more this evening.

Hi OP, you mention children. Are they your biological children? Just wondering if you at any time had a sexual relationship with your husband?

Zonder · 23/12/2022 07:32

Sorry if this has already been thrown out, but could it be the person you developed feelings for?

Hawkins001 · 23/12/2022 07:34

Blossom4538 · 21/12/2022 08:59

I tried messaging back and it won’t send. It’s come from “anonymous” at 6:25 this morning.

Our marriage isn’t perfect in the bedroom department but we adore each other and I totally believe from his reaction that he hasn’t cheated and isn’t gay.
WTF though? Who would send such a thing!

I'm guessing the same or similar when people are having affairs nd someone else knows but doesent want to put their name to the message so it's kept anonymous

Hawkins001 · 23/12/2022 07:36

Blossom4538 · 23/12/2022 01:02

@VisaGeezer but how would they have my mobile no?

From his phone if they are the affair partner ?

BorisJohnsonsHair · 23/12/2022 07:45

Have you tried googling your mobile number to see if anything comes up?

GelPens1 · 23/12/2022 07:52

Blossom4538 · 23/12/2022 00:32

I have no interest in a sexual relationship with him either sadly. But I do love him and care for him and love being close/cuddling etc

Your post from 2 days ago said: I miss kissing, sex life.

It sounds like you’re best friends, but not partners. You said earlier that you miss having sex so it’s him who doesn’t want it. I also hug my best friend, but I don’t want to have sex with her. It seems like your husband is on that wavelength with you. I am so sorry :(

Sierra26 · 23/12/2022 08:04

Could he have sent it to spark the conversation. If you’re both in a sexless relationship but love each other, which sounds incredibly hard, maybe he’s looking for a trigger and thought this would make you react more strongly?

In any case I’m sorry you’re going through this and hope you resolve it whichever way leads to best outcome xx

LikeTearsInRain · 23/12/2022 08:12

Could he be having a gay affair OP?

TortugaRumCakeQueen · 23/12/2022 08:24

Blossom4538 · 23/12/2022 00:32

@TruckerBarbie I have no interest in a sexual relationship with him either sadly. But I do love him and care for him and love being close/cuddling etc

How long can you go on like that for, though? Don't either of you have a sex drive? I mean, if you're 80, maybe this could carry on, but otherwise, it's just a matter of time before one of you wants sex so badly that they go elsewhere.

SnowlayRoundabout · 23/12/2022 08:26

Blossom4538 · 23/12/2022 00:32

@TruckerBarbie I have no interest in a sexual relationship with him either sadly. But I do love him and care for him and love being close/cuddling etc

Is it sex generally you have no interest in, or specifically a sexual relationship with your husband?

Sandra1984 · 23/12/2022 08:59

Sorry OP but I find it extremely difficult to believe that your husband has always been this fluffy asexual teddy bear man perfectly content of being a flatmate who would never lay a hand on you but very happy to share a cuddle or two. This sounds like the perfect life of a closeted gay man. And I’ve known a few…

adriftabroad · 23/12/2022 09:01

You should get legally seperated, co parent and be best friends and seek sexual partners elsewhere for both of your sakes.

You have changed your story, you say you do not want sex with him either, so why do you care if he is unfaithful (with either sex) or if you are unfaithful? You should both simply tell the truth and respect each other. Continue your relationship honestly and be a strong happy "team" with no secrets.

It is NOT A SCAM fgs, nobody is asking for anything and you cannot reply.

He is worried you would move on, form a new emotional attachment and get remarried. He is happy being married to you with his DCs and that is what makes me think he is gay. There is very little possibility that he will marry a man.

His set up is perfect.

SilverBirchWithout · 23/12/2022 09:04

It feels pretty obvious to me that the message was sent by the person you had ‘an emotional connection’ with. Or someone else you know, an outsider you may have confided in with details of your relationship.

WilsonMilson · 23/12/2022 09:05

Whoever sent this has used a third party anonymous text service. Google it, it’s a thing. That’s why you can’t reply. It is clearly not a scam as they know your husband’s name.

So, it’s someone you know and likely whose number you have, as why bother sending an anonymous text if you didn’t already have their number.

This may be more than one person - perhaps friends have been talking about you and they agreed to do this as they think it’s in your best interests.

As much as you say you are close, you are friends, that seems to be it. This is no basis for a marriage. If you think that his sexuality might be questionable, then clearly it is as most women wouldn’t entertain the notion that their husband is not heterosexual.

There seems to be a lot of denial of reality here, and your friend(s) or even family members have decided to point this out. I think you need to face up to reality. Even if he is not gay, you have no sexual relationship and that does not make for a happy marriage. You are wasting your life I fear.

Inkpotlover · 23/12/2022 09:14

Haven't RTFT, but have you tried calling the number to see who answers, OP? Or texted them to ask for further proof? I would have to, I couldn't just leave it.

Alyxoxo · 23/12/2022 09:15

Some replies are odd a tad odd around the bi thing. Even if he was, plenty of bi and pan people are in monogamous Heterosexual relationships. Sex can dip for many reasons but being bi doesn’t mean he’s busting to get out and have relationships with men. It sounds like someone stirring who doesn’t like one or both of you.

DontStopMeNow7 · 23/12/2022 09:15

Unanswered questions:

-why do you not have any interest in having sex with your H?

-why do you think he could be bi?

-what is his response when asked why he has little interest in actual sex with you?

-what are you going to do relationship wise since you want sex but not with him?

If it were me in this situation and I suspected my partner of something, I would hire a private detective. Let it blow over first of course. I’m not saying it’s a good idea, just that I would.

Sandra1984 · 23/12/2022 09:17

WilsonMilson · 23/12/2022 09:05

Whoever sent this has used a third party anonymous text service. Google it, it’s a thing. That’s why you can’t reply. It is clearly not a scam as they know your husband’s name.

So, it’s someone you know and likely whose number you have, as why bother sending an anonymous text if you didn’t already have their number.

This may be more than one person - perhaps friends have been talking about you and they agreed to do this as they think it’s in your best interests.

As much as you say you are close, you are friends, that seems to be it. This is no basis for a marriage. If you think that his sexuality might be questionable, then clearly it is as most women wouldn’t entertain the notion that their husband is not heterosexual.

There seems to be a lot of denial of reality here, and your friend(s) or even family members have decided to point this out. I think you need to face up to reality. Even if he is not gay, you have no sexual relationship and that does not make for a happy marriage. You are wasting your life I fear.

just because it wouldn’t work for you doesn’t mean it doesn’t work for OP. This is the story of two people sharing their life for many years, both of them are not interested in sex so they have no sex life which is perfectly fine with them. They get along great, love each other to bits and share a mortgage and a family. I don’t see any problem so far. I know of many heterosexual couples who have great sex and the most dysfunctional relationship. The only problem with the OP’s marriage is there might be “secrets” or “cards that were not put on the table”. I wonder how the OP would feel and he happened to be gay and came out of the closet to her.

Choconut · 23/12/2022 09:19

Blossom4538 · 23/12/2022 00:32

@TruckerBarbie I have no interest in a sexual relationship with him either sadly. But I do love him and care for him and love being close/cuddling etc

If he's so wonderful and you adore him why don't you want to have sex with him ever? Are you asexual?

July70 · 23/12/2022 09:23

"Two people know about our marriage wobbles."
Really?? How do you know for sure your DH has not been telling others and they hve passed on the news or the ones you shared it with have not passed it on

My mum used to say, if you dont want it to spread, keep it to yourself.

PatriciaPattersonGimlin · 23/12/2022 09:29

In your particular situation, the last thing I would do is assume this is malicious. I might even consider it had come from him.

A conversation is desperately needed in your relationship OP. It might be working on some level for you but I doubt very much it is working for him. At this time of year, people think about the future and the need for change. Despite all you have said about you adoring one another etc. you sound like brother and sister and there is a massive chance that he wants more out of life.

I would bet my bra strap that if you offered a relationship with him where you see each other as siblings and he can go out and have the life he wants alongside that, he would grab at it like a drowning man.

Meant kindly. I suspect you are in denial at best or massively naive at worst.

Bookworm20 · 23/12/2022 09:41

I think you just need to look at the facts.

  1. It isn't a scam. They have used your DHs name, there is no link to click and it just isn't the type of thing a scammer would send. There would be a link or a means to reply. They are usually along the lines of 'hey look at this video of you/your OH etc' Would contain something to make you hopefully curious enough to click.
  2. The message is sent to you, not him so that rules out blackmail. Advising you to leave the marriage, that its dead and has been for a long time.
  3. It is sent by someone who knows you. They know your DHs name, and that you are in a sexless relationship and that he is/might be gay. The message actually sounds frustrated as opposed to malicious.

To me the main culprit would be the man you developed feelings for. You say you think it was mutual. This man could well be head over heels in love with you, but keeping it hidden because you are married. But he has got to the point where he wants you to leave your marriage so he can have a chance with you.
Did you ever confide in him any details of your marriage you were not happy with? Does he know its sexless? Does he know the version of your dhs name that was used? Does he know you think your dh may be Bi?

If I were you I'd make a list of everyone who knows you, and I mean everyone. Then against their name write what they know about you/your marriage, so you can see clearly a shortlist of anyone who may want you to leave this marriage.

Its definitely from someone you know, because of using his name.

And it sounds like a 'for gods sake woman, leave this man' type of message. Who do you know in your life who would very probably advise you to leave him if you were to ask them?

LuckySantangelo35 · 23/12/2022 09:50

@Blossom4538

why don’t you want a sex life with him op? Has that always been the case?