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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Would you offer a lift?

166 replies

countingdowntoxmass · 20/12/2022 17:06

So this has happened twice now where I’ve gone out with two friends. One of them her boyfriend will pick her up and she will always offer the other friend a lift and not me.

Friend lives the same way as her so I get it. But the added driving time to give me a lift would be exactly 10 extra minutes to their journey.

Last time she even said “oh wish we could all go home together but we live in opposite directions” .. and then they drove past me waiting for my Uber and waved but also kind of looked like they were laughing (I can’t be 100% sure).

I wouldn’t offer one person a lift and not the other unless they were very much out of the way, 30minutes+ etc

OP posts:
Original poster
countingdowntoxmass · 21/12/2022 09:55

melj1213 · 21/12/2022 09:27

YABU as it's not your friend's place to offer for her bf to make extra detours to drop you off. It would have been nice for her to offer but there's no obligation for her to do so. Equally everyone needs to be responsible for their own way home so if you wanted a lift, knowing it would be a 10+min detour, you should have asked earlier in the night so your friend could check with her bf if he was happy to do it.

They live 30mins out of the city so he's already doing a 60 min round trip, he might have said "I will do the trip for you but I'm not doing drop offs either" especially if your other friend lives directly on the route or it's an extra minute or two so dropping her off is different to having to make a 10+minute detour.

My dad is the worst for it - I was off work earlier in the year due to surgery and was staying with my parents. I was fine to drive I just work in a manual job so had to be off for 8weeks. My dad went out a few times with friends and asked if I'd be alright to pick him up so he didn't have to drive. I said yes but, if it was after midnight, I just wanted to pick him up and get home not do a dozen drop offs as I would be tired and he agreed. Every single time I picked him up he had at least one other person where they just got into the car and then my dad would say "Oh, I've said Martin can have a lift, it's not far out of the way" so no chance for me to say no ... Only for it to be a 15min detour when all I wanted to do was get home and if already told him I didn't want to give people lifts (not to mention the extra petrol it cost me)

Also you say that dropping you off would add 10 mins but you don't say whether it will make the journey more complicated, which is sometimes a factor in whether I will drop people off. If the extra 10 minutes is via badly lit or narrow roads/a one way system/lots of traffic lights/roadworks/complicated area they don't know well etc then it's not just the detour it's the extra inconvenience and complications that mean they don't want to make the effort.

I work in retail and my store was open late last night for Christmas week. When we finished at 00.30am I offered one person a lift but not the other. My journey home is 15mins, the one I offered a lift to lives just off the main road I drive down and she was happy for me to just drop her on the corner and she'd walk the 5m to her front door so I didn't have to physically detour from my route. The other person lives 15mins drive away which requires a detour via a one way system and then narrow badly lit roads. At 00.30am I didn't want to have to navigate that, nor did I want to make the first colleague sit in the car for an extra 30mins and get home after 1am when we could all be home by 00.45am at the latest if we used separate transport (me and one colleague in my car and the other colleague getting a taxi).15 minutes extra might not seem like a lot but when all you want to do is get home it can be a huge difference.

A lift was never expected hence why I didn’t ask for one. My aibu is asking whether you’d offer a lift to someone else and be ok with leaving your friend alone. Which evidently yes you would be.

OP posts:
happinessischocolate · 21/12/2022 10:02

I would never leave a friend standing in the pavement waiting for a lift, especially if it's only a 10 minutes detour to drop them home, and it only takes me 10 minutes to get home so that would double my travelling time.

If you enjoy going out with them, then in future I would order the Uber before your last drinks, so you can walk straight out and leave.

blackbeardsballsack · 21/12/2022 10:06

I'm quite surprised that so many people on here are saying that they would, as this is definitely not my general experience. I live in a different direction to my friends, and colleagues, and just get an Uber without a second thought about whether they should offer me a lift/their husbands should. I'm a mug so if I'm ever driving, more often than not I end up dropping people home but it's a ball ache when it's dark, late and I'm tired (and already made the sacrifice of not being able to have a drink for the purpose of being able to get home quickly and easily). If someone was picking me up I would feel bad asking them to drop off other people too.

HikingforScenery · 21/12/2022 10:07

happinessischocolate · 21/12/2022 10:02

I would never leave a friend standing in the pavement waiting for a lift, especially if it's only a 10 minutes detour to drop them home, and it only takes me 10 minutes to get home so that would double my travelling time.

If you enjoy going out with them, then in future I would order the Uber before your last drinks, so you can walk straight out and leave.

I agrée with both paragraphs

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2022 10:15

I’d probably wait a few minutes with them whilst their Uber arrived. You can see how far away the drivers are on the app. Definitely order it in plenty of time next time though-probably best the person travelling on their own is the first to leave so they aren’t waiting alone.

Did you get an Uber to the pub as well, OP?

Original poster
countingdowntoxmass · 21/12/2022 10:25

blackbeardsballsack · 21/12/2022 10:06

I'm quite surprised that so many people on here are saying that they would, as this is definitely not my general experience. I live in a different direction to my friends, and colleagues, and just get an Uber without a second thought about whether they should offer me a lift/their husbands should. I'm a mug so if I'm ever driving, more often than not I end up dropping people home but it's a ball ache when it's dark, late and I'm tired (and already made the sacrifice of not being able to have a drink for the purpose of being able to get home quickly and easily). If someone was picking me up I would feel bad asking them to drop off other people too.

But I’m asking about a specific situation.

You go out to dinner with two friends. You are being picked up. You ask one friend in front of the other “would you like a lift home”.

You then have the choice of would you extend that to other friend if it adds 10/11 minutes to the drive or would you not. And would you at least wait until they were in the taxi before leaving them alone.

OP posts:
Judgyjudgy · 21/12/2022 10:31

You had already sorted your uber and are in a different direction. Whats the issue?? Hmm

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2022 10:36

You go out to dinner with two friends. You are being picked up. You ask one friend in front of the other “would you like a lift home”.

I would imagine they arranged it before that moment though. Did they travel to the pub together?

melj1213 · 21/12/2022 10:40

countingdowntoxmass · 21/12/2022 09:55

A lift was never expected hence why I didn’t ask for one. My aibu is asking whether you’d offer a lift to someone else and be ok with leaving your friend alone. Which evidently yes you would be.

Show quote history

So if you never expected a lift, why care whether one was offered? It sounds like you're arguing for the sake of arguing "I didn't need a lift but I wanted to be asked whether I needed it and I'm annoyed they didn't ask, even though they knew I didn't need it and it would be inconvenient to offer in case I accepted"

Personally, whether a lift is offered will depend on a range of factors - it's not just a blanket 'I will always offer a lift' policy, my policy is more 'I will always check everyone has a way to get home and react accordingly'.

If you want a lift from me and ask, I will more than likely say yes (unless it's massively inconvenient or not possible) but if you say nothing then I will not proactively offer a lift unless it is convenient for me, as I will assume you have sorted your own transport out.

In my original post I offered a lift to one person and not the other - as we were walking off the shop floor at the end of the night I said "Is everyone alright for getting home?" as I wanted to make sure nobody was going to be stuck at work before we left (both colleagues are younger than me and don't have kids so though I'm only mid 30s as the only parent in the group I always feel like the responsible adult). The one I didn't offer a lift to said "I've got a taxi on the way" and the other said "Yeah I'm going to call a taxi now".

I didn't offer the former a lift because a)they already had a taxi booked and b) it was massively inconvenient to take them home. If she hadn't already booked a taxi then I'd have waited till she had booked it and then offered to wait till it arrived but wouldn't have offered to drive her home unless there was a significant issue (eg no taxis for 40mins).

I offered the latter a lift because a) it was literally on my way home and b) she hadn't called a taxi yet. If she had already called one then I wouldn't have offered a lift as she had her own transport sorted (though I might have said "If you're on lates the rest of the week I can drop you off rather than get a taxi as you're on my way home") but it was a combinations of her not having booked anything yet and the fact she was on my way home that made me offer.

IncompleteSenten · 21/12/2022 10:44

I would give a friend a lift home if I was driving.
I wouldn't offer if it wasn't me driving. I would ask my partner though but if they didn't want to, I would respect that.

It's literally five actual minutes to go from the pick up point to your house and five actual minutes back?

MelchiorsMistress · 21/12/2022 10:47

You then have the choice of would you extend that to other friend if it adds 10/11 minutes to the drive or would you not. And would you at least wait until they were in the taxi before leaving them alone.

But you don’t have that choice when someone else is doing the driving. Your friend did not have the right to choose to offer you a lift because she doesn’t have the right to tell her boyfriend that he’s doing extra driving after he’s already agreed to do her a favour and pick her up late.

I would wait for my friend to be in the taxi before leaving, but again, she didn’t have the right to expect her boyfriend to hang around waiting for your taxi. Would there even have been somewhere he could legally park and hang about waiting in a town centre outside pitcher and piano?

You could have ordered your taxi to come earlier than your friends lift was due to arrive if you didn’t want to wait alone.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2022 11:19

But you don’t have that choice when someone else is doing the driving

I agree-I wouldn’t be impressed if my husband expected me to not only pick him up after the pub, but drop home each friend as well. It doesn’t sound like it would ever be a reciprocal arrangement in future either so it might be something that became expected.

I’d be interested to know how the OP got to the pub and if the other two friends came together?

Yerroblemom1923 · 21/12/2022 11:24

Why couldn't you phone your partner to give you a lift home?

Original poster
countingdowntoxmass · 21/12/2022 11:44

Yerroblemom1923 · 21/12/2022 11:24

Why couldn't you phone your partner to give you a lift home?

😂😂. why couldn’t you read the thread?

OP posts:
Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2022 11:49

countingdowntoxmass · 21/12/2022 11:44

😂😂. why couldn’t you read the thread?

Show quote history

Did you see my previous question, @countingdowntoxmass ?How did you get to the pub and how did the other two get there?

PainfulAnkles · 21/12/2022 11:57

countingdowntoxmass · 21/12/2022 00:32

You’re right … it is sad. I rarely watch the news these days but when I happened to see it the other day and saw that story about the man who followed two women before killing the third one was devastating - and not uncommon. Women are even safe going for a jog alone.

Before anyone jumps on me, its solely my responsibility to look after myself. But me personally I’d at least do the absolute minimum of not leaving someone behind, getting in the car and waving at them as I drove by leaving them alone.

Show quote history

If this is about being afraid of man attacking you, then it doesn’t make much sense.

Statistically you’d be much more likely to be hurt by your friend’s boyfriend, more so if he’s sober and you’re drunk.
8/10 attacks are by men you know.

BMrs · 21/12/2022 12:07

I would never do that but perhaps she knows her boyfriend would be annoyed?

Either way, I wouldn't leave a friend to get a taxi alone if I was going home with another friend.

My husband has always given my friends lifts, out of his way etc

blackbeardsballsack · 21/12/2022 12:24

*But I’m asking about a specific situation.

You go out to dinner with two friends. You are being picked up. You ask one friend in front of the other “would you like a lift home”.

You then have the choice of would you extend that to other friend if it adds 10/11 minutes to the drive or would you not. And would you at least wait until they were in the taxi before leaving them alone.*

In that situation I wouldn't offer a lift. I wouldn't be the driver, I'm already asking the driver for a favour by picking me up and also dropping someone else off who lives on the way.

I don't think I would wait for my friend to be in the taxi either, and I wouldn't feel the need for anyone to wait for me to get in a taxi either. I just don't see the need for it? I go about my business all the time without needing to be chaperoned. If my friend said that they were anxious about waiting on their own, I would wait with them but it wouldn't cross my mind that someone would feel that way in this situation unless they told me.

Shinyandnew1 · 21/12/2022 12:27

My husband has always given my friends lifts, out of his way etc

Mine has, too, but this has been shared with my friends’ partners.

I’m wondering if in this group of friends, it’s only this friend who has a partner able/willing to drive and collect. In that case, perhaps he is aware that it would be down to only him every time which he doesn’t fancy starting. If it was always down to me to take DH and his mates home after the pub, I wouldn’t be keen to offer either.

zingally · 21/12/2022 13:06

My DH would never leave a friend of mine standing out on the street alone. He would consider it most ungentlemanly to not offer a lift. He'll even sit and watch her into her front door.
Your friends are rude.

Mentalpiece · 21/12/2022 13:16

I would give you a lift, as would my husband.
I always work on the principle that if me and three go out, then me and three come back.
My sister in law didn't wait to see if her friend got home safe.
Sadly her friend didn't get home safe, she was found raped, battered and strangled to death instead.

DilemmaADay · 21/12/2022 14:22

@Mentalpiece oh that's heartbreaking 😥I hope your SiL doesn't blame herself as it's entirely the fault of the rapist/murderer

Ginger1982 · 21/12/2022 15:07

Hmm, they could have at least waited to see you safely into the taxi then gone home.

Survey99 · 21/12/2022 15:47

And would you at least wait until they were in the taxi before leaving them alone.

If you were concerned for your safety and know they live in the opposite direction, did you plan your journey home and make arrangements for a taxi to pick you up 15-20 mins before your friends were leaving for their lift?

That is what I do and I rarely end up alone on the street waiting for a taxi. You could also have waited for the Uber inside the restaurant doors if it was running late.

Don't see any danger or your friends needing to hang around holding your hand.

Mentalpiece · 21/12/2022 16:00

www.theguardian.com/uk/2006/sep/12/greece

Sadly, I remember this case very well.
Even waiting with a friend to ensure she gets a taxi safely isn't always guaranteed.
Please, if you need a taxi then phone a reliable licenced taxi company who won't mind you double checking with them that the car pulling up is a legitimate taxi from their company.