Would you spend alot or lose half?!

[MenCanGetInTheBin]

I am looking for somewhere to vent..

So me and my BF have been seeing each other since March.

He is a member of a drinks society and they have monthly member get togethers, christmas, new year parties etc.

He usually goes to the new year party every year as he really enjoys it and would usually go with ex (she isnt a member, so wont be there). He asked if I wanted to go this year, I said yes. I was a bit annoyed when I found out him and his ex went every year but he assures me it wasnt their thing, its his thing, he likes the event, and wants to share that with me.

So he purchased the tickets. I assumed, probably very wrongly of me, that he would pay for these tickets but he has told me the tickets are £150 each and to pay him back when I can. He also said we could get a taxi there and back (for reference, this company is in Edinburgh which will be swarmed with the big street party). He just got a taxi quote for £180 one way!! So we will have to bus it there and taxi back (The buses stop early).

He said it finishes at 1am (I thought it would go on longer given the price!!) and we can either walk the streets until 6am for the bus, or go to a club.. but that would mean walking the streets for 2 hours afterwards as clubs close at 3/4am).

I didnt sound keen after this ... £300 each for a 3 course dinner (a drink or two) and a taxi sounds crazy expensive. Thats not even taking into account if we buy more drinks, which of course we will. I simply cannot justfiy spending between £300-£400 on one night. He is a big earner but I am not and although I could spend this money it would mean budgeting the rest of the month which I dont want to do.

He has said he can enquire into cancelling but what if he can't? then I still need to fork out half the money and not attend.. I dont know what to do.

He is very much everything should be split 50/50 which I get but when someone is earning double, I think it changes things slightly.

What would you do?? I feel really annoyed when I should be excited that its our first new year together.

x

There's nothing you can do really. I think your options are:

Get a refund
Ask him if he can find someone else to go with
Cancel and lose the money (which will be cheaper than going)

Maybe if you stand firm he might cave in but if he hasn't offered by now he's not likely to is he.

I think he's being a bit tight but you can't say that really. Just make sure you don't ever treat him if a similar situation arises.

Just for clarity - I didnt know the tickets were £150 each, I knew they wouldnt be cheap but I didnt expect that price. I dont expect him to pay for the whole thing either. Well I dont know, maybe I do, since it's his thing and him and his high earner GF went every year :(

What did he and his ex do in previous years ? Did he pay for her ticket and book hotel? How did the logistics of it all get sorted when they went?

Maybe he is insistent on 50/50 as she took him for ride with him being a big earner and he wants to avoid same happening again (which is creeping in as you expected him to pay for ticket).

Tell him he should have told you how much - and that you can’t afford to spend that much on a night.

I dont expect him to pay for everything, like we went out for dinner on Sunday and I paid, and I usually pick up my fair share of tabs. I dont know, I think if he wasnt paying he should have said what the cost upfront was or maybe I should have asked. Just a bit annoyed really, how to say, I dont earn as much as you do without sounding pathetic, I mean he knows I am not a huge earner I work at a charity ffs

You know that he insists on 50.50. So why on earth didn't you ask the price before you said yes.

You need to be honest and say that you can't afford it, and you didn't realise it would be so expensive

I should have :( He sent me all the info, I just looked back and no price was included, I kind of assumed he was paying as he asked if I wanted to go and then he went away and booked tickets and asked me to get an outfit sorted. It was only when we went away for the weekend and I paid for dinner that he took the reciept and said we would add everything up and make sure it was split equally, including all the big things bought to date. It's not that I haven't offered to pay for these things, I have, I have asked for the total amount and bank details 3 times and havent been given these. Also the big purchases are things he said he would go buy - then he is asking for halves.

Stop with the feeling pathetic already. Relationships should be about being honest and not pretending to be comfortable with spending more money than you can afford

He knows you are not on his sort of money, so he should have given you an idea of the costs before he booked, and for normal people on normal salaries £150 each for a ticket for a night out is huge. Will more drinks cost even more ? And the taxi is bonkers.
just be honest and say this is way out of your league, so can he resell your ticket as you just can’t afford it.

It sounds shit, traipsing the streets for hours to save a cab fare. Grim.

I’d cancel, making it clear that “I didn’t expect the tickets to be so expensive and to be honest I have no interest in spending New Year’s Eve hanging around on the streets for several hours to save money on a ride home. I’m afraid I’ll have to give it a miss. I hope you’re able to get a refund or find someone to take your spare ticket”.

Bet you he doesn’t go in his own. He clearly just wants someone to split the cost of a taxi with. Cheapskate.

Your latest update suggests he is sneaky about upfront costs , and mean to boot. The hills are that way, get running.

And a relationship is never ever going to work long term if you can't talk about money

Ugh I couldn't be with someone like this, OP.

I would just tell him you can't afford it, which is the truth, and see what he says.

If he's so well off, he should pay for you. I mean, does he even know that you earn a lot less than he does?

Just be honest. No agenda, just say you can't afford it, you realise you should have asked the cost, it was a mistake not to but the fact remains that it's too expensive.

It should be a bloody good night for £150 though! I suppose hotels are extremely expensive at this stage are they?

Just looked at hotels and they are crazy expensive - like £300-400 a night
they are alot cheaper as you move out the city but then you may aswell pay for the taxi home!!

I'd tell him you can't go and you're not paying. He did not give you all that information when you agreed to go.
He's been before, he obviously knows the expense. He really should have told you how much it was going to cost and how much it involves.

This sounds sensible to me. I am a high earner for my area and I would never arrange something like that and expect someone to pay for it without discussing costs.

You know - he reminds me of an awful boyfriend I had many years ago, who said he was going to take me out for dinner - then took me to a mid-price kind of place - perfectly nice - and walked out when he saw the prices.

We then went to a fish and chip shop and he thought that was overpriced, too.

And he was a hedge fund manager (and independently wealthy, too).

Gah. That "relationship" didn't last long, I can tell you. I don't even recall now if we ever had sex.

If you're asking someone, especially a GF or BF, to go to an event then unless you are paying for it entirely the cost is part of the decision and you should've been told at the time and discussed the logistics around travel.

It makes more sense to stay overnight in Edinburgh than mess about with clubs/walking the streets etc waiting of a bus (that sounds really grim) or spending an absolute fortune on a taxi.

I would've assumed that he was paying given it is his drinks society and he didn't mention the cost at the time. This sounds a bit tight now of him? Or at least a complete lack of empathy about how this money would seems a lot more to you than him given his high earning (and therefore should've been told right at the start).

You've told him that you cannot justify spending so much money on one night - he has responded by seeing if he can cancel it...I would wait to see what happens with that I guess or...

If you can afford it and your relationship is otherwise great then I would probably go (and get a cheap hotel room!) but from then on ask about the cost of everything before agreeing to it.

You've got to go with how you feel. Sounds like evening has already been soured a bit. I would feel think less of him now - it was a bit of a shitty thing to do really?

Honestly, and this sounds a quite nasty, I really don't mean to. I kinda sounds like he's planning to break up with you and is trying to get as much money back from you as possible, to like reduce his losses.

He's said he's buying things then much later expecting money off you. That's not OK.

Stop comparing your relationship with him to his relationship with his ex-gf.

Stop comparing yourself with his ex-gf, high earner or not.

Tell him how you feel without being defensive. Having looked at the cost, you simply cannot afford and you're happy to do your own separate things for New Years Eve and meet up the next day. You're attaching far too much importance to all of this.

For future reference, tell him whenever he is expecting you to split costs, he needs to check you're comfortable with the amount. You may find he has no idea about how you feel regarding all this. Communicate, without anger and accusation. You can do this. And stating your spending boundaries is to be respected, not looked down on.

@TheShellBeach my BIL is like that. Also rolling in it. We went to a nice restaurant for MILs birthday and he made us walk out when he saw the prices and took us to the dingiest microwave meal pub ever. I think he shared a burger with his son actually.

He sounds cheap and stingy.

Paying your way is one thing but he sounds awful and I would be ditching him for being so unthoughtful when he knows you are not in his league financially.
Not an attractive trait

This is the perfect opportunity to be really clear about what you can or can't afford. Otherwise there will be further situations , expensive holiday etc and your resentment will grow as will your debts

I paid for dinner that he took the reciept and said we would add everything up and make sure it was split equally, including all the big things bought to date.

You do realise that the intention behind this was not to make sure that you weren’t out of pocket, the intention is for him to make sure he doesn’t spend a penny more on you than you have on him.

Also the big purchases are things he said he would go buy - then he is asking for halves.

He sounds absolutely awful, a complete tightwad.

Absolutely no way would I invite someone to something really expensive without warning them of the cost. The fact that he did so either means, he didn't want to forewarn you, or he's not really thinking of your feelings and situation.

Either way, I'd frankly tell him there is no way you want to spend this much on the evening, that he should have told you, and he should get the money back or sell your ticket to someone else.

I think you are looking at this as a real problem for you, but from reading it this is his doing, and he should be embarrassed he's put you in this position