Would you spend alot or lose half?!

[MenCanGetInTheBin]

I am looking for somewhere to vent..

So me and my BF have been seeing each other since March.

He is a member of a drinks society and they have monthly member get togethers, christmas, new year parties etc.

He usually goes to the new year party every year as he really enjoys it and would usually go with ex (she isnt a member, so wont be there). He asked if I wanted to go this year, I said yes. I was a bit annoyed when I found out him and his ex went every year but he assures me it wasnt their thing, its his thing, he likes the event, and wants to share that with me.

So he purchased the tickets. I assumed, probably very wrongly of me, that he would pay for these tickets but he has told me the tickets are £150 each and to pay him back when I can. He also said we could get a taxi there and back (for reference, this company is in Edinburgh which will be swarmed with the big street party). He just got a taxi quote for £180 one way!! So we will have to bus it there and taxi back (The buses stop early).

He said it finishes at 1am (I thought it would go on longer given the price!!) and we can either walk the streets until 6am for the bus, or go to a club.. but that would mean walking the streets for 2 hours afterwards as clubs close at 3/4am).

I didnt sound keen after this ... £300 each for a 3 course dinner (a drink or two) and a taxi sounds crazy expensive. Thats not even taking into account if we buy more drinks, which of course we will. I simply cannot justfiy spending between £300-£400 on one night. He is a big earner but I am not and although I could spend this money it would mean budgeting the rest of the month which I dont want to do.

He has said he can enquire into cancelling but what if he can't? then I still need to fork out half the money and not attend.. I dont know what to do.

He is very much everything should be split 50/50 which I get but when someone is earning double, I think it changes things slightly.

What would you do?? I feel really annoyed when I should be excited that its our first new year together.

x

I’d either cancel or tell him he needs to pay for a hotel or you’re not going.

Halves is perfectly reasonable for a relationship of 9 months.
But I'd also expect a couple in a relationship of 9 months to be able to talk frankly about money.
So, yes, a conversation should have been had about how much it cost and who would pay.
Too late for that now, but absolutely OP should cancel if she can't afford it and see if her BF can get a refund or sell on the ticket (maybe for less than it cost as an incentive)

(P.S many lovely B&Bs much cheaper than hotels in Edinburgh)

Just in case you’re travelling back to Glasgow, the bus from Edinburgh Airport runs all night (not sure if the terminus is in Edi city centre - I only go as far as the airport)

This sounds like my friends brother. She is a teacher, he is extremely wealthy- worth 20 million plus. When their dad died he chose some flowers for the funeral from a high society London florist. He sent her a bill for half despite not consulting her on the cost or choice of flowers. He is a cunt and so is your boyfriend.

However, this Air BnB property is available and it would save you walking the streets waiting for the buses to start.
abnb.me/iKLSjzuPUvb

I agree she should cancel. She doesn't want to go, the logistics are a mess, it is more than she can afford, and she is jealous he went to a similar event with an ex. I just don't see any positives to going at all. Better to get whatever refund is possible. He can go on his own if it is important to him to be there.

He sounds like an absolute prince. Giving you piecemeal information about an event that costs hundreds of pounds that HE wants to go to and then even suggesting you spend the early hours of NYD walking around in the cold to save money! Never mind the complete lack of understanding about what equality actually means, but it shows a complete lack of respect for you as a partner. I would not be happy to attend any event that would lead to my partner then having to walk the streets for 4 hours in the early hours of the morning.

In your shoes I would recoup as much of the cost as possible and then dump him as this will only be the tip of the iceberg. What will happen if the relationship progresses and you move in together? Get married? Maybe have children? Will he still expect everything to be split 50/50 because 'equality'?

Goodness.

He should have told you the cost when asking you, or made it clear if he was paying.

You should also had asked the price if he didn't volunteer it, bit risky to say yes to something without any idea how much it'll cost you, but lesson learned for the future.

I would absolutely not go and just lose the £150 rather than spend any more money on it, that money is gone now. Just see it as you've paid £150 to get your evening back to do something nice for yourself.

I don't get the impression at all from the OP that she is dating him for his wallet @musingsinmidlife .

They way he suggested the night out it does sound as if he was offering to pay, giving there was no concern about whether the OP could afford it or not.

I asked my brother if he would like to go and see a concert with me - I didn't mention the cost at all because it was entirely my intention to pay. I did buy the tickets - and I bought the most expensive ones because the artist is one I really want to see/hear in the good seats (it is an orchestra but the solo instrument is mine not his). It is my treat even though I didn't say as such. He will ask probably ask me on the night what he owes me for the tickets (then I'll say no, this is my treat).

This is in contrast to another concert I'm seeing with a colleague - I asked her if she fancied it - she said yes. I said the tickets are x or y and we agreed on the x ones and then I bought them and she transferred the money.

He has behaved very badly. Proved himself to be tight, plus totally uninterested in your real life situation and finances.

I would cancel the ticket. I would hate dating someone I'm financially incompatible with.

Well it's good that he's cancelling the tickets. That solves your NYE problem at least.

In the longer term, I'd be doing some soul searching about how compatible you really are. It sounds like his idea of equality is splitting every expense 50/50 down to the last penny.

Well, that's fine in the short term, but then he needs to accept that as a couple you can only do things which are within your budget, not his.

And in the longer term, he needs to understand that splitting everything 50/50 when one person has a much higher income than the other doesn't result in equality, it results in the lower earning partner having much less disposable income as they struggle to keep up with the higher earning partner's spending habits.

What happens if and when you want to buy a house together? Will he be content to live somewhere that is within the budget of a couple both earning what you earn?

What happens if and when you have children together? Will he still expect you to contribute 50/50 if you experience a loss in income due to taking maternity leave? Or will you go back to work as soon as your maternity pay drops to a lower level to ensure you don't lose any income and ensure he pays 50% of your joint childcare costs?

Will you ever get married? What happens if one of you gets ill or becomes disabled? What happens if you have a disabled child which means that one of you has to be a stay at home parent?

As I said, splitting everything 50/50 when you're in a relatively new relationship is fine as long as it isn't putting the lower earning partner in a position of undue hardship trying to keep up. But it's worth thinking about how his attitude towards money would play out in the long term, if you decide to commit to shared home ownership, marriage and/or kids. In my experience, dividing everything down to the last penny just doesn't work, and the lower earning partner ends up massively worse off.

Glad to hear you can cancel the tickets. I would have lost the £150 rather than paying all that for one (miserable sounding with the walking around in the cold) night out. He sounds very ungenerous though.

I think it's healthy to share costs but I also think it's nice to be taken out sometimes. I would have assumed this would have been his treat as it's his thing he is inviting you to. No way would I assume he would expect you to pay. If you were inviting him to an event of yours I would think you would pay. If you two were going out together to something that is neither his or yours, like the theatre or a holiday then I would expect to split costs but it would seem natural that as a much higher earner. That he would cover a little more than you

@SomethingOriginal2 agree with what you have said. OP break up with him before he drains you out of your money. You shouldve asked for the cost, but after reading all your posts, it coms across that he is tight and is deliberately using you. He mustve got used in his last relationship, he is now taking it out on you. He is not ready for a relationship. You deserve better.

wow!!! @Movinghouseatlast

This sounds like my friends brother. She is a teacher, he is extremely wealthy- worth 20 million plus. When their dad died he chose some flowers for the funeral from a high society London florist. He sent her a bill for half despite not consulting her on the cost or choice of flowers. He is a cunt and so is your boyfriend.

I hope she didn't pay or only gave him half of what a reasonable amount would've been to spend. What a class A !!

OP if it wasn't for the fact DH would think I was somewhat weird extending the offer to a random mumsnetter I've never met, I'd happily let you crash at our Edinburgh pad for free.

Not sure about your stingy arse BF though.

He sounds like a bit of a div to be honest. Especially given equality doesn't mean split everything 50/50. what a twat.

OP you sure you don't wanna start the new year without this loser?!

Blurgh, he sounds like a complete dud. Get rid OP & don't look back.

Hi @MenCanGetInTheBin
i live in Edinburgh. You could book the premier inn at Newhaven for £100 ish. The Hogmanay buses seem to be running til 4am for £5.
Definitely cheaper than a taxi home! You can do the loony dook in the morning. Brrr

Tickets have been cancelled.
He said he would have paid for the taxi - this really got my back up, he didnt offer that at the time and is now saying that. He then said he would happily rebook the tickets, pay for taxi back if it was something I was really interested in but it isnt.. I asked why he didnt cancel this a few weeks ago when I wasnt too happy about the event in the first place.
Now we are having a heated discussion about what is fair / 50/50% / equality etc. I've told him if I was interested in only his money then I would have gone way back as he doesnt pay for everything nor buy me stuff so I dont like that he said he isnt a "bottomless pit".

I bet he wouldn’t have paid for the taxi, he had plenty of opportunity to tell you if that was his intention.

Premier inn £107 Edinburgh new years eve

Or the doubletree Hilton at the airport is £130 ish? If West edinburgh is better?

Not sure why you both didn't book a b&b for the night....or if this is an annual members event that he's goes to each year he must "know people". So he could have arranged an air bnb or something for a group of you to keep costs down etc.

He said he would have paid for the taxi - this really got my back up, he didnt offer that at the time and is now saying that.