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Original poster

Would you spend alot or lose half?!

135 replies

MenCanGetInTheBin · 20/12/2022 13:33

I am looking for somewhere to vent..

So me and my BF have been seeing each other since March.

He is a member of a drinks society and they have monthly member get togethers, christmas, new year parties etc.

He usually goes to the new year party every year as he really enjoys it and would usually go with ex (she isnt a member, so wont be there). He asked if I wanted to go this year, I said yes. I was a bit annoyed when I found out him and his ex went every year but he assures me it wasnt their thing, its his thing, he likes the event, and wants to share that with me.

So he purchased the tickets. I assumed, probably very wrongly of me, that he would pay for these tickets but he has told me the tickets are £150 each and to pay him back when I can. He also said we could get a taxi there and back (for reference, this company is in Edinburgh which will be swarmed with the big street party). He just got a taxi quote for £180 one way!! So we will have to bus it there and taxi back (The buses stop early).

He said it finishes at 1am (I thought it would go on longer given the price!!) and we can either walk the streets until 6am for the bus, or go to a club.. but that would mean walking the streets for 2 hours afterwards as clubs close at 3/4am).

I didnt sound keen after this ... £300 each for a 3 course dinner (a drink or two) and a taxi sounds crazy expensive. Thats not even taking into account if we buy more drinks, which of course we will. I simply cannot justfiy spending between £300-£400 on one night. He is a big earner but I am not and although I could spend this money it would mean budgeting the rest of the month which I dont want to do.

He has said he can enquire into cancelling but what if he can't? then I still need to fork out half the money and not attend.. I dont know what to do.

He is very much everything should be split 50/50 which I get but when someone is earning double, I think it changes things slightly.

What would you do?? I feel really annoyed when I should be excited that its our first new year together.

x

OP posts:
BakedTattie · 20/12/2022 13:59

Where do you live that’s a taxi is £180 home? Most of the lothians do night buses on Hogmanay

BakedTattie · 20/12/2022 14:00

Is it the whisky society you’re going to? It’s brill

Original poster
MenCanGetInTheBin · 20/12/2022 14:02

I live in the city (not edinburgh), he lives out in the bloody sticks! thats why its costing so much!

OP posts:
emptythelitterbox · 20/12/2022 14:04

Nothing more unattractive than a cheap mean guy.

This is why 50/50 is nonsense.

Here's a great post on why.

www.reddit.com/r/FemaleDatingStrategy/comments/nhumaq/why_you_should_never_go_5050_on_a_date_breaking/?utm_source=share&utm_medium=android_app&utm_name=androidcss&utm_term=1&utm_content=share_button

Original poster
MenCanGetInTheBin · 20/12/2022 14:05

So have said I find its unreasonable etc he is insisting he told me costs - so either I am just creating a drama or I've forgotten the convo. He is cancelling the tickets. He keeps saying money isnt important to him, equality is.

OP posts:
fancyacuppatea · 20/12/2022 14:06

He asked if you wanted to go - that's an invitation.
I'd be expecting him to pay for the ticket at least. I'd split the (reasonable) cost of a taxi, but not over £100. That's just stupidly expensive.
Tell him either get a refund or find someone else.
He sounds like a complete tight-wad going through a receipt.
Massive red flags.

Sonyrecording · 20/12/2022 14:09

Having read all of your updates I think I'd solve the problem for him by dumping him. (And ignore any requests for money, he can afford it or sell the ticket). He's a tight fisted git. I think it was reasonable for you to think he was treating you because he invited you and didn't warn you about going halves.
He likes equality - driving someone you supposedly love to spend more than they can afford isn't equality, it's abuse. He will break you financially.

Tessasanderson · 20/12/2022 14:09

Honest answer. Sorry i cant afford that. Balls in his court then.

Let him make the difficult decision to either be a bastard and force you to pay your half of the ticket. Or be reasonable and suggest he contributes to your half.

Either way you get a clear message from him.

Tessasanderson · 20/12/2022 14:10

Or dump him. Yep that would work too

BelaBartok · 20/12/2022 14:11

He keeps saying money isnt important to him, equality is.

What on earth is that supposed to mean in this context?

Would you really have forgotten the conversation where he told you the tickets were £150 and the travel was going to be expensive on top?

Aprilx · 20/12/2022 14:11

I didn’t really understand the first bit of your post, about you being annoyed that he went to this thing with somebody else. If it is an annual event with partners, then it was bound to have been the case.

I also don’t know why you assumed he would pay, considering that you normally split things. Also one person or the other within a couple always makes a suggestion of something to do, otherwise they would never do anything, I don’t think the person that comes up with a suggestion is obliged to pay for that outing. I have no idea how clear he was on costs, you maybe should both have had a better conversation about how much it would cost.

I do agree with you that £300-400 doesn’t sound like it is going to be worth it and walking the streets for four hours would not be for me either.

LimeCheesecake · 20/12/2022 14:12

I think you need an honest conversation with him - you had no idea this would be a £300-400 each night out, and you wouldn’t have agreed to it if you’d known. He knows you earn considerably less than him, ask him why he didn’t say that in previous years the whole night out had come in close to £800 when he must realise you can’t afford that sort of money on a night out.

be clear, if he wants to always go 50/50 in the relationship then he needs to only arrange things you can afford. Events like this are no longer an option.

it’s all good and well wanting to have a partner that pays their way, but that does mean you either limit your dating pool to someone who can match your spending habits or cut back to the lower earners level.

so his options are either reduce spending to a level you can match or he covers things you can’t afford, pushing you to spend more than you can afford isn’t an option.

BelaBartok · 20/12/2022 14:12

p.s. I would dump him too, given what you've said in your updates. I know that's easy for me to say...

PoppyFleur · 20/12/2022 14:27

Please stop going along with high spend activities. Push back and say no. At least by doing so you will find out if he truly likes you and sees a future together or whether he sees you as a plus one friend with benefits I.e., company on all the activities that he wants and can afford to do.

YukoandHiro · 20/12/2022 14:39

Be entirely honest and straightforward. No being over emotional about it.

"I'm was really looking forward to the evening but I didn't realise it would cost this much. You know I'm happy to split the things we do together 50/50 but this evening is entirely out of my reach. I can't afford it. We can either plan something else more affordable together or I'll have to let you enjoy the one on your own."

Hopefully he'll step up and offer to pay for the evening

Summerhillsquare · 20/12/2022 14:42

He values equality huh?

Would you spend alot or lose half?!
Bookworm20 · 20/12/2022 14:47

He invited you, and you got the impression he was offering to take you (and pay for you). And thats how I'd of taken that.

Hes now back tracked this and told you its £150. If he was intending to pay for you, he has now changed his mind.

And now he is saying he told you the price. £150 for a ticket to an event HE wants to go to - You'd of remembered that!

And now instead of meeting you half way with the apparent miscommunication he thinks happened and offering to help you out with the ticket, he is cancelling it. And apparantly money isn't important to him (thats because he has lots of it I imagine), but seemingly isn't willing to help his GF out with the ticket or taxi cost.

And now add in its all about equality. Well yes, when hes earning a hell of a lot more than you, what bits does he think should be equal exactly?

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 14:52

You have been dating since March and you think since he has a larger income he needs to fund your life? So you are dating him for his wallet. That is all I need to know about you. He is getting tired of you only wanting his money and expected you to pay your part so now you are sulking and declining. Stop giving women a bad name. Ask how much things cost before you pay for them (which you would know to do if you had any financial independence) and learn to adult on your own without looking for a man to fund your life.

And yes I would say the same about a man expecting his girlfriend to pay for everything because she has more money.

Sparkletastic · 20/12/2022 14:52

Honestly? I'd break up with him. His spending habits and expectations that you match them means you aren't compatible.

Sartre · 20/12/2022 14:56

Sounds like a crap night anyway tbh, the fact he even suggested walking around the streets of Edinburgh in the middle of winter for four hours during the night is sheer insanity. I’ve spent maybe £100 on a really decent NYE before, I would not spend more than this and £300-400 is a crazy amount.

Just tell him you can’t afford it and didn’t realise it would be so expensive so you can’t attend. I’m sure he could find someone else to give the second ticket to if he can’t get a refund.

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 14:56

BelaBartok · 20/12/2022 14:11

He keeps saying money isnt important to him, equality is.

What on earth is that supposed to mean in this context?

Would you really have forgotten the conversation where he told you the tickets were £150 and the travel was going to be expensive on top?

It means he wants someone to date him for him, and not for his wallet. Someone who would respect him and want to be with him and see him as an equal - even if he made the same as them or less. He is looking for a girlfriend who respects him for him and isn't looking for someone to fund their life. He wants an equal partner, not a project or a dependent. He isn't looking to be a sugar daddy - he wants a partner who also assumes adult financial responsibilities and has their own financial stability and independence. It isn't that he cares about paying more or about the $ amount spend, it is that he doesn't want to be used and dated for his money.

gamerchick · 20/12/2022 15:00

Tell him he should have told you the costs before getting the tickets so you could have made an informed choice. No I wouldn't be paying for the tickets and would be telling him he'll have to find someone to sell it too and to have a nice time.

I'm all for equality in a relationship but he doesn't get to spend the OPs money without telling her. Just as he would expect for himself.

emptythelitterbox · 20/12/2022 15:12

Which equality does he believe in?

Does he realise its not a level playing field for women in the first place?

There is still the gender pay gap.

Why is it fair when you make so much less than he does to split things 50/50?

Does he expect equality with a marriage proposal, wedding, child care, housework?
Can you propose to him?

Has he treated you on your birthday, Christmas, taken you on a holiday?

What about the expenses you have to pay for to look nice for dating?
Hair, makeup, waxing, shaving, perfume, clothing, shoes, etc.

All that is expected of a man is to be clean, wear clean clothes, and run a comb through his hair.

A women takes all the risk when dating? She has to worry about rape, assault, stalker, etc.
He doesn't.

You live pretty far apart. How often does he come to yours?
Does he pay 50/50 for whatever birth control you're using?

He's completely taking the piss and he knows he is.

emptythelitterbox · 20/12/2022 15:15

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 14:56

It means he wants someone to date him for him, and not for his wallet. Someone who would respect him and want to be with him and see him as an equal - even if he made the same as them or less. He is looking for a girlfriend who respects him for him and isn't looking for someone to fund their life. He wants an equal partner, not a project or a dependent. He isn't looking to be a sugar daddy - he wants a partner who also assumes adult financial responsibilities and has their own financial stability and independence. It isn't that he cares about paying more or about the $ amount spend, it is that he doesn't want to be used and dated for his money.

Show quote history

Well maybe he should only date women who make as much or more than he does.

musingsinmidlife · 20/12/2022 15:17

emptythelitterbox · 20/12/2022 15:12

Which equality does he believe in?

Does he realise its not a level playing field for women in the first place?

There is still the gender pay gap.

Why is it fair when you make so much less than he does to split things 50/50?

Does he expect equality with a marriage proposal, wedding, child care, housework?
Can you propose to him?

Has he treated you on your birthday, Christmas, taken you on a holiday?

What about the expenses you have to pay for to look nice for dating?
Hair, makeup, waxing, shaving, perfume, clothing, shoes, etc.

All that is expected of a man is to be clean, wear clean clothes, and run a comb through his hair.

A women takes all the risk when dating? She has to worry about rape, assault, stalker, etc.
He doesn't.

You live pretty far apart. How often does he come to yours?
Does he pay 50/50 for whatever birth control you're using?

He's completely taking the piss and he knows he is.

Good grief. You sound like you live in the 1950s with your she needs to look all purty and he needs to pay. Most of us have moved past the gentlemanly / ladylike expectations of traditional gender roles.

You do realize that there are many women who are financially independent and who don't see their worth as getting gussied up for a man?

I bear zero resemblance to the woman you describe. I am guessing that is you and you are projecting but that doesn't describe many of us who also want to be seen as equals and not as projects or dependents or in need of protection and financial provision.