Would you spend alot or lose half?!

[MenCanGetInTheBin]

I am looking for somewhere to vent..

So me and my BF have been seeing each other since March.

He is a member of a drinks society and they have monthly member get togethers, christmas, new year parties etc.

He usually goes to the new year party every year as he really enjoys it and would usually go with ex (she isnt a member, so wont be there). He asked if I wanted to go this year, I said yes. I was a bit annoyed when I found out him and his ex went every year but he assures me it wasnt their thing, its his thing, he likes the event, and wants to share that with me.

So he purchased the tickets. I assumed, probably very wrongly of me, that he would pay for these tickets but he has told me the tickets are £150 each and to pay him back when I can. He also said we could get a taxi there and back (for reference, this company is in Edinburgh which will be swarmed with the big street party). He just got a taxi quote for £180 one way!! So we will have to bus it there and taxi back (The buses stop early).

He said it finishes at 1am (I thought it would go on longer given the price!!) and we can either walk the streets until 6am for the bus, or go to a club.. but that would mean walking the streets for 2 hours afterwards as clubs close at 3/4am).

I didnt sound keen after this ... £300 each for a 3 course dinner (a drink or two) and a taxi sounds crazy expensive. Thats not even taking into account if we buy more drinks, which of course we will. I simply cannot justfiy spending between £300-£400 on one night. He is a big earner but I am not and although I could spend this money it would mean budgeting the rest of the month which I dont want to do.

He has said he can enquire into cancelling but what if he can't? then I still need to fork out half the money and not attend.. I dont know what to do.

He is very much everything should be split 50/50 which I get but when someone is earning double, I think it changes things slightly.

What would you do?? I feel really annoyed when I should be excited that its our first new year together.

x

Wow, what a charmer.

I would bin him off, OP, it sounds like you're completely incompatible.

He said he would have paid for the taxi - this really got my back up, he didnt offer that at the time and is now saying that.

Ah gotta love a gasslighting mf.

So many red flags with this one. I’d be seriously rethinking the relationship

I think you should have confirmed the price before agreeing. It does sound like you were just expecting him to pay - how would upu have felt if he did pay and then you found out the costs? That's a lot of money and I wouldn't be comfortable not contributing.

Having Said that, the travel and logistics sound awful. I'd explain your mistaken assumption and pull out.

You should be rethinking this relationship. If he wants things to be equal costs should be split in relation to what you earn.

My OH earnt more than double what I did when we started dating. It was important to both of us that we lived within our means, so I tended to pay for smaller items and he paid for the more expensive things, such as weekends away. We always knew upfront who was paying for what.

I think he's constantly testing you to make sure you're not after his money. He keeps talking about splitting big costs and you paying for your ticket but it seems to be 'when you can' - very vague. Like he's not really bothered about you paying him back but wants to make sure that you would be prepared to pay him back.

No one wants to be constantly tested and it's very confusing when he says it's not about money - when he's clearly obsessed about money. I think you need a big conversation about this but it could be an ongoing issue that's difficult to resolve.

I think you're spot on here.

And I bet any amount of money- say £150 - that he never told the OP the price of the tickets originally, it's not an amount that you're likely to forget, so more gaslighting there.

The more you update Op, the more it sounds like he is a gaslighter. I'd say run for the hills, sorry!

You deserve better.

You didn't live within your means, you lived above your means but he paid for it.

I make a good salary and not a chance I am bankrolling any guy I date who doesn't make as much money. I don't care how much he (or this board) complains I am a walking red flag because I don't pay for everything for him since I have more...he can pay for himself or leave. If I want a dependent for me to look after and take care of, there are plants, pets, and children. In a partner, I want an equal who takes on adult responsibilities.

Treat yourself to a Christmas present - leave him. I can only echo what others have said. What a stingy individual. You deserve better. Someone that would be happy to spend all they had on you even if you’re not expecting it. Best of luck. I hope you put yourself first. There are much better people out there.

Exactly. I would have remembered that amount, definitely. When he told me a few weeks ago I was very surprised. But, opinion is mixed and I agree with both. I should have asked about the costs beforehand but I thought it was more of an invite without cost being mentioned. If I found out the cost later on, I would have felt bad and would probably have offered to pay for my ticket. If I invite anyone anywhere and expect them to pay their ticket / meal whatever, I mention cost up front and see if they are happy with it.
Yes, the taxi comment has annoyed me. He said he would have paid if I really wanted to go but refused to cancel or give the ticket to someone else when I said I didnt want to go a few weeks back as I felt a bit annoyed (maybe jealous) that him and his ex went all the time. If he wanted to pay for the taxi, he would have and wouldnt have cancelled the event. I havent told him what I earn but reminded him that I work in a charity in an HR department - so not earning mega bucks. I also told him to stop calling me "an HR manager" as he is bigging up my title and it probably makes him think I get paid more than what I do. To confirm, I have never once called myself the HR Manager - I am an advisor, he tells people I am the manager as he said he doesnt know the difference and I couldbe manager if I wanted (erm.. okay).

What happends if you end up staying with him and maybe having kids? Will it all be 50/50 then? what about when you go on maternity or what if you get sick and can't work, would he support you?
There are loads of threads on here atm where men are exspecting woman to pay half of eveything dispite earing much less due to childcare. On a recent thred he was a high earner and pissing his money away but she could bearly afford to feed herself or her child becuase she was only working part-time and he demanded she pay half of eveything and refused to contribute to childcare.
it's not equality at all. Relationships are about supporting each other not about keeping count. personally I think he sounds horrible.

I'm really curious about how much money this high roller earns?

I agree @Iwantamarshmallowman

Op he sounds worse and worse the more you write - total snob trying to imply that your own role isn't good enough & so he has to give you a more senior job title. Unbelievable!

Sounds very money and status oriented op, and that’s before we get onto the gaslighting and tight wad attitude. People like this are not nice people. He’s not a keeper

So now he is suddenly saying he would have paid for a taxi? Convenient now the whole thing is cancelled.

I can't believe he expected the pair of you to walk around in the freezing cold for 5 hours! He sounds tight, that sounds absolutely nuts. Even 2 hours walking round is 2 hours too much.

OP I really can't see a future in this, if I were you I would be seriously considering breaking up with him

Whoah there. This is his event that he invited you to. He asked you on a date , you're only going to please him; he pays for you.

He pays for a hotel too. so after the do, you go to the hotel for the rest of the night and travel home the next day. No taxi required.

If that doesn't suit him, just say you changed your mind and won't be going.

Sounds to me like he has been used for money previously so is cautious, I was the same when I first met DH. I would explain your financial situation and suggest a night in with a take away, which will not have too much of an impact and see what he says. If he wants equality he will be happy with the suggestion as it doesn't put one party, you, in financial hardship. If he still wants to go, or do something extravagant then it's not about equality, it's about him protecting his money but living to his means without you, which is fair enough but you will need to discuss if a future is realistic given the difference in earnings.

He doesn't know the difference between a lower paid advisor and a well paid manager? Well, that's either dense or a lie. Sounds like he'd prefer a higher earning girlfriend so he doesn't have to ever subsidise her and keep it strictly 50/50. However, if he wants to date you and include you in the expensive events he wants to attend then he'll have to be kinder (and more honest) about it.

Are you spending Christmas with him?

I reckon he tells people you're a manager because he thinks your actual job is beneath him.

So, he has told you what he earns but you haven't told him how much you earn? You mentioned upthread that he earns twice as much as you do.

My DH's friend works for a charity - he earns £200K/yr (this isn't the kind of charity that gets donations from the public but it is still a charity). Do you think there is any chance he thinks you earn about the same as him and has therefore overestimated your disposable income?

The doesn't affect how I read his invitation to his event though - I've invited people to things that are 'my events' and I have paid for their tickets (despite earning less in some cases).

Does this mean you are happy to peg the quality of your life that is affordable to a partner who earns less? Stay in a Travelodge because that is their budget when you would normally book something 5*?

Or would you only date someone of similar means and willingness to spend?

I'd dump the tight git OP! He should have told you he expected you to pay half when he invited you, not just bought the tickets and then told you how much it was all going to cost! As for not giving you bank details and letting what you owe him build up, and then asking for money for things he'd said he'll pay for, .......... well, to me that's just absolutely tight and disgusting. Dump him, before the event, and then he can either lose his money or find some one else who earns mega bucks and can afford to go with him. What an arse!