Would you spend alot or lose half?!

[MenCanGetInTheBin]

I am looking for somewhere to vent..

So me and my BF have been seeing each other since March.

He is a member of a drinks society and they have monthly member get togethers, christmas, new year parties etc.

He usually goes to the new year party every year as he really enjoys it and would usually go with ex (she isnt a member, so wont be there). He asked if I wanted to go this year, I said yes. I was a bit annoyed when I found out him and his ex went every year but he assures me it wasnt their thing, its his thing, he likes the event, and wants to share that with me.

So he purchased the tickets. I assumed, probably very wrongly of me, that he would pay for these tickets but he has told me the tickets are £150 each and to pay him back when I can. He also said we could get a taxi there and back (for reference, this company is in Edinburgh which will be swarmed with the big street party). He just got a taxi quote for £180 one way!! So we will have to bus it there and taxi back (The buses stop early).

He said it finishes at 1am (I thought it would go on longer given the price!!) and we can either walk the streets until 6am for the bus, or go to a club.. but that would mean walking the streets for 2 hours afterwards as clubs close at 3/4am).

I didnt sound keen after this ... £300 each for a 3 course dinner (a drink or two) and a taxi sounds crazy expensive. Thats not even taking into account if we buy more drinks, which of course we will. I simply cannot justfiy spending between £300-£400 on one night. He is a big earner but I am not and although I could spend this money it would mean budgeting the rest of the month which I dont want to do.

He has said he can enquire into cancelling but what if he can't? then I still need to fork out half the money and not attend.. I dont know what to do.

He is very much everything should be split 50/50 which I get but when someone is earning double, I think it changes things slightly.

What would you do?? I feel really annoyed when I should be excited that its our first new year together.

x

I think he's tight, he wanted his ex and you to go so you can share his taxi costs.

If the relationship is worth the effort, tell him next time he suggests something to tell you the costs in full so you can make a judgement call. Or if he ever treats you, to also let you know...

With all the extra bits you've added he does sound like a twat and I'd bin him off. Calling you and HR manager when he knows you're not. Is he embarrassed?! Nob.

He must have known the expensive taxi situation but he chose not to mention this when he invited you.

I wouldn't date anyone who wasn't a financially independent adult with sufficient disposable cash to be able to afford a similar lifestyle to mine. I don't live lavishly and put most in savings so it doesn't have to be the same income. More important is the attitude for me. I don't care that much about the money itself or how much something costs but I have no interest in being with someone whose attitude is well you have more so you should pay for me. I am not interested in a relationship with a financial dependent or someone who sees me as a wallet. I often happily pay for others - but not because they expect me to because I have money and therefore there is the assumption that I foot the bills. I also have no interest in being with anyone with a much higher income who thinks I should be financially dependent on them or who won't let me pay or who doesn't see me as an equal.

Tbh I think you and him don't share the same values. He doesn't appreciate equitable agreements and doesn't value your relationship above valuing the cost of everything. Job titles and shit seem to matter to him whereas they don't for you.

This will likely lead to him
Holding his earnings over you all the time.

It's always going to be a sticking point I'm afraid.

@musingsinmidlife I think you're projecting quite a bit here. Surely the point is that if you want your partner to have the same level of disposable income as you then you would date somebody who earned a similar amount so that things could be split 50/50? That is not the case in the OP's situation. Her partner knows that she earns less than him, and he still attempted to get her to pay for a very expensive night out of his choosing without even giving her details of the full cost upfront so she could make an informed decision.

That's unfair and not the actions of a person who cares about you. I would never presume that someone can just afford to pay £400 for something and go ahead and make bookings without checking with them-never mind my partner who earns less than me.

New year, new beginnings - get rid of him, this won't get any better. And just the idea that he wanted you to traipse round the cold streets for at least two hours instead of booking a nice room somewhere - completely ridiculous.

He keeps saying money isnt important to him, equality is.

I once dated a bloke who earned high 6 figures when I was working in homeless shelters. His idea of equality was great. I'd take him out somewhere nice I could afford (Pizza Express). He'd take be out someone nice he could affrord (The Ivy). We both treated, we both picked up the bill, we were both thoughtful and kind. But he paid more because he earned more.

Yours should either only date wealthy women, or assume he's at Pizza Express with you. There is no middle ground without you worrying endlessly about money.

Also he sounds mean so he's probably shit in bed. Make sure you add up the number of orgasms and keep a tally for later.

OP - you have two choices really, either you just end it now, or you tell him what you earn. And even a “and after rent and bills paid, I have x left over each month for fun money”. Be clear if he wants to go halves on things, they need to be affordable to you, not just him. He can’t both be determined to stop you being after his money, while also spending yours for you.

but he doesn’t sound very nice overall.

I may be old-fashioned but he invited you without telling you you’d have to pay for anything so he should have paid for it all imho.

He sounds like a charmer 😒

What sort of big purchases does he want you to pay him back for if you don’t live together?

If he wanted me to go I'd expect him to pay otherwise I wouldn't go, same as if I invited him to the theatre id buy the tickets x

Thank you everyone for your responses.

We had a few conversations and some texts here and there about this and overall expectations, finances etc.

He said we should agree a budget for events we want to go to - I can understand and see his logic but to me that just says "this is all you can afford" - I would have been able to pay for tickets / taxi, I just didnt want to budget rest of month. I challenged him why he is happy with budgets for events but not for christmas presents. He said this is presents and its the thought that counts, we agreed on a set number of presents - he has told me half of these are handmade by him.. I feel ungrateful for saying this but I've spent quite a bit on him and now I'm thinking of keeping some presents back. I cant think whats been handmade, he isnt artsy, I havent seen anything he had made except some shelving units (?!).

Anyway, he offered to rebook the whole new year thing and to pay for the lot, tickets and taxi, if I really wanted to go, and it would be his "treat" - I found this very patronising. I never want to tell / ask someone to treat me, so that left me feeling a bit :(

I then brought up my job and said he has to stop calling me a Manager because I am not and its coming across a bit snobby as if my job title is beneath him - he then challenged that with "but dont you manage this and that, etc." - I ended up getting really annoyed and telling me to NOT call me a manager full stop.

I then went out and he had texted me saying that I didnt mind spending XX amount on my spa days with my family - but this is annual, I know what the cost is upfront for this AND the spa voucher is a christmas present that my dad always buys for us, we (me, my mum and sis) split in for a hotel and get dinner (?!) - I havent said anything back to that. He then said that we dont think differently about finances and that maybe he is a bit sore about his ex, financially. They split last year and he bought her out of the house and she walked away with quite a hefty sum.

He then said sorry and he doesnt have an issue putting in more money if it means we get to do what we both want.

I just feel like it's bittered everything. I told him this would be an issue with our age difference but he just kept telling me I was overthinking. I dont know his exact salary but he lives in a 7 bedroom house out in the country and said in a passing comment months ago that he never thought he would be earning a 6 figure salary doing what we does.

Maybe the conversation needed to happen but I feel abit embarassed by it all - I've never mislead him with my finances. He kept saying that a high earner shouldnt be penalised for working harder or chosing a certain field. I understand that, however, I have "worked hard" - I studied HR at Uni and have double my salary since 2016.

I dont know what to do, feeling abit deflated - I cant work out if I have overreacted, if he has been an arse, or if its a big miscommunication. So I dont really know how to feel, I wish the convo didnt happen.

So he makes 6 figures. There's 6 figures as in 100k or 6 figures at 700k. What does he do?

I'm not sure why he'd be resentful about buying his ex out of the house?
It's not like he didn't get anything. He has the entire house (the 6-7 bedroom one). He would have had to do the same thing if it was a relative or business partner he'd bought a house with. Did he think his ex should have walked away from an investment she put money into with nothing? (I bet he does!)

I forgot to mention the Christmas gifts!
I just knew he'd be a cheap fuck with the holidays!

Take the ones you bought for him back. A card and a bottle of liquor is plenty for a newish relationship.

What has he done for your birthday?

My birthday is early next year.
I'm thinking that, I think a handmade gift would be cute but I feel a bit hurt that half of them are handmade, it was him that didnt want a present budget.

He seems cheap, mean, and greedy.

What do you friends and family think about him?

Tell him to fuck off with that attitude

I've always been the high earner in every relationship I've had and I've always paid for big events without making my partner feel shit about it

If you can't sort out money issues with him now, it will only get worse as it's one of the biggest areas for conflict in a relationship!

I would just lose the ticket money and wouldn't be in this position with him again as I would dump him.

To me he’s got red flags 🚩
it reminds me of an ex who organised a trip to London for my birthday and my present was a gig for a band he wanted to see 🙄 that he’d books way before we were together
there were just elements of selfishness with him and it turned out in the end he was incredibly self centred and it was only ever about him.

it’s a horrible feeling when you like someone and this happens.
you have to see this as a sign. If this is how he behaves now imagine later down the line.

When you meet the right person your finances and earning discrepancies worn mean a thing

my husband earns x2.5 my wage and we’re both sensible with money but he’s also very generous and aware that he earns more. He’s happy to pay the majority outgoings such as the mortgage and bills and we do it by %
we discussed this early on and we’re on the same page with money
you have to be

This man knows the price of everything but
the value of nothing.

You mention an age difference ? Is this an issue too? Frankly his back pedalling is a bit meh so I'd be out. He's shown you what the future will be like. Sorry, it's a rotten time of year for this to happen.

Yes. Like he was trying to impress you before but is now recouping costs. Call him out on it and say xxx was your choice to buy. You know how much I earn and that I wouldn't be able to buy it.

Stop comparing yourself to his ex. They obviously didn't see eye to eye either.

100% this!
Then dump him! He says he is getting things then in retrospect wants 50% ......eh no!