To ask my Christmas visitors to go out for a whole day!

[Flowerandmpower]

Following on from my previous thread where i was feeling overwhelmed as visitors will be with us for at least 8 / 9 days over the festive period ..

I am feeling very tired .

I've taken advice .. like build in space and also To get some vitamins etc.

Would it be rude to ask them to go out for a day so I can rest up / just have sone quiet? And if so , is there a nice way of saying .. I love you but leave me alone for a day or inwill go mad .?
I struggle . Worry will offend . / upset .

i lived abroad and would regularly have visitors (family) who would stay for a couple of weeks or more. Anyway one time when we had people staying with us I was tired and hormonal (pregnant), and I need some space from everyone I said I had a hospital appointment and went to a nearby hotel and paid to go in their spa area. Was very reasonable priced and I could hang out round the spa pool with relaxing music playing for a few hours. Felt very well rested. Is there something like that near you where you could escape for a bit?

Why did you agree to 9 days? Do they know about your health issues?

I would have said something like "it will be lovely to see you, but we can't have you for 9 days, and I will need some help"

It does come down a bit to the "all day" aspect and what you mean by that, though. In midwinter being out for more than, say, three hours is difficult.

I’ve been in this situation before, and DH and I now have a system in place so that we each get some down time. If it’s something like
Christmas holidays without work and it’s my family here, he will ‘lie in’ most mornings until 10 or 11 (actually just sitting in bed playing his switch/reading the news/drinking coffee), and if it’s his family, he’ll say that he’s planned a day trip for everyone and that I’m feeling tired so will stay home and rest up. It works like a charm, usually!

Personally, when they arrive I would sit them all down with a cuppa, and say 'not sure whether you're all aware or not, but I've not been too well recently, and while I'm absolutely thrilled to have you all here, I'm afraid I get tired very easily, so there will be times when I'll need to go for a lay down and leave you all to your own devices. I do hope you understand, and with DD's MIL being so exhausted too due to her caring duties, we'll totally understand if you need some 'me' time to yourself too, so again, feel free to go off on your own, or have a lay down, whatever suits you'. That way, everyone knows that you're pleased to have them there, but will need some time to rest and be quiet. Hopefully, if your DC's have any consideration for you at all, they'll dig in and help out, so that not all of the work falls to you, but if they are not that sort, then I'd add into the arrival speech, 'I know that I tend to spoil you kids when you're at home, and love doing it, but on this occasion, I will need some help, so don't expect to sit on your bums being waited on hand, foot and finger like normal. I think that should solve any problems you foresee OP.

Oh, and have a Merry & Relaxed Christmas - you deserve it.

You could also be really gentle but honest and just say something like, “I’m feeling really tired, so tomorrow I’m just going to be very lazy around the house and sleep in/have lots of naps/etc. Do you think you could manage to entertain and feed yourselves if I bow out for the day? There is X attraction in nearby village, which you might enjoy!

Even if they don’t go out, that will give you license to hole up in your bedroom under the duvet for several hours with Netflix and a glass of Prosecco. 😄

"Could some one do me a favour and walk the dog/ take the children to the park to run off some energy/ pick up some shopping at the supermarket"

I don’t think you can do exactly this the problem is that they’re staying far too long.

There’s an old saying, ‘guests are like fish - they go off after three days’.

You need to tell them they are still very welcome but that their visit needs to be cut down to 3 days, or however many you are truly comfortable with. You don’t need to give them a reason.

Just be honest with your children (especially the one who is bringing their partner and parent) and tell them you are tired and they will need to give you some space by going on some outings.

In that case, surely it's up to your DC to entertain their partner (and partner's parent?).

As for whoever else is staying, you just need to ask them to respect your need for a bit of R&R too if that's what you're offering them.

But lesson learned; keep holiday stays to 2/3 days in the future.

Are they all just sitting in all day, I’d be cracking up if i was the guest never mind the poor OP?

I have this over the festive period and have arranged a couple of days out for myself as ILs are too much.

8 / 9 days
2 hours is about my limit for guests, why did you volunteer for this?
I think you should suffer as much as you can so that your future self will remember how uncomfortable it felt and never do it again!

When I visit my family, I always stay with my Mum. However, it's pretty clear that we have our own programme too. I would certainly not expect her to entertain me the whole time or be there for her and when she wants to have some peace and quiet, she goes into her room, turns on the telly and that's it. Honestly, why do people invite someone without establishing some rules and boundaries? As a guest, I wouldn't expect my host to be there for me 100%, I would probably go crazy too.
Just go into your own space, go for a walk, library, cinema etc. If your guests aren't under 18, they can entertain themselves.

I don’t understand the “rudeness” worries tbh, I’d probably just tell them you have other plans on xx day and could they entertain themselves/ go to pretty town or cinema and there’s a great restaurant and you’ll see them when they get back after dinner.

It’s not half as rude as descending on someone else for 9 or 10 days straight tbf…

I don't think you're being unreasonable OP. During the holidays DP, DC and I are staying several days with my parents, then his. It's gone without saying that whilst we'll spend time together we also have our own things going on.

If they're with you for 8/9 days I would be suprised if they didn't do their own thing at least a couple of days, but perhaps you can prompt this by asking 'what are your plans whilst you're here?' and make some suggestions for things they might like to do.

I usually have a headache one afternoon and leave them all to it. I find it harder to cope with the noise and chaos as I'm getting older. A nice quiet afternoon with a good book recharges my batteries. Would that work?

Surely if it's your own kids you don't need to provide entertainment or play mine host.

Won't they be wanting to go out and catch up with old friends/stomping grounds?

Or failing that and given that it's your own kids, surely you can tell them to fuck off out the house for a bit and give you some peace and quiet. I didn't think your own kids counted as actual guests

TAlk to your daughter - if the MIL wants to spend time with her son they'd probably be grateful for a quiet lunch out and an afternoon together while you have a nap.

8-9 days is way too long for visitors.. 2-3 days is fine.

Just be honest and say I'm quite tired at the moment and have alot on my mind so may need to take some rest. Go for a lie down in the your room and close the door. You could suggest days out to them but not really banish them from the house. I would go for siestas / walks after lunch if you need space.

I can't imagine being a guest in someone else's house for 9 days, especially as a relative stranger, as at least one of your guests seems to be. What would you do all day every day, just sitting around in a strange house???

IT IS NOT RUDE TO TELL YOUR DAUGHTER THAT IT IS HER RESPONSIBILITY TO ENTERTAIN HERSELF, HER PARTNER AND HER PARTNER'S MOTHER, ESPECIALLY SINCE HIS MOTHER WAS INVITED BY YOUR DAUGHTER AND NOT YOURSELF.

You were expecting your daughter and her partner to come for 3 or 4 days, and you weren't expecting his mother for 3 days at all. Your daughter took it upon herself to invite her, and bounced you into nodding along.

It is all too easy for adult children to revert to their child-roles when they visit, but you need to take your daughter to one side and explain that due to your current thyroid issues she needs to step up and be an ADULT during this visit. So - no sitting around expecting mummy to do everything, she needs to step up, roll up her sleeves, and HOST. Because you NEED to rest, no ifs and no buts. So - you said on the other thread "i also know that they will want usual Christmas things like games nights , buffets , film nights. I think its because it will be 9 nights that feel mentally overloaded." Fine. but they should not look to you, with your health issues, to be doing this for them. They should arrange all this themselves. I'm sure they're capable.

You also said on the other thread "we and the partners mother live near ish each other". I think that you should suggest to your daughter (and when I say 'suggest', I mean 'tell') that when his mother goes home after her stay - THEY GO WITH HER. After all, surely her partner would like to spend a couple of days at his home in the same way that she does? And maybe they could fuss over his burnt-out mother instead of expecting you to do that? They can come back after giving you a couple of days not feeling like you have to host, but nine unbroken days is beyond your current energy levels.

As for your son, I don't know how much work he is, but again he should be taken to one side and told that your health must be your current priority. I don't care how demanding a job he has, he doesn't need you skivvying after him, he's an adult. He might even enjoy skivvying after you!

You don't mention a partner, OP. Do you have anyone you can share this load with, to back you up should your daughter start channelling her teenaged self?

[ Link to other thread for others to find details of the full situation. ]

Just take yourself off to bed for a few hours to nap or watch a Christmas film - no one is going to be offended at that surely

Poor you,

you say they are not your kids?

are you being too good a host? Cooking/planning every meal, making coffee and tea and endless washing up after them?

can you change things and they make their own tea and coffees, help with shopping and cooking and, and wash up

Also, you can strategically retreat and go for lie-downs, go to your bedroom or have a bath and just lock everyone out

look after yourself

To be honest, I don’t think it’s ok. I’d be pissed off if I’d been invited as a guest to someone’s home then told to go out for a day so they can ‘rest.’ Why can’t you rest at home? Just let them know you’re not feeling good and will be in bed all day if you’re that tired.