To ask my Christmas visitors to go out for a whole day!

[Flowerandmpower]

Following on from my previous thread where i was feeling overwhelmed as visitors will be with us for at least 8 / 9 days over the festive period ..

I am feeling very tired .

I've taken advice .. like build in space and also To get some vitamins etc.

Would it be rude to ask them to go out for a day so I can rest up / just have sone quiet? And if so , is there a nice way of saying .. I love you but leave me alone for a day or inwill go mad .?
I struggle . Worry will offend . / upset .

If they are close enough to stay for 8 days they are close enough to be asked to bugger off for a bit without taking offence. If your son or daughter is with them ask them to organise it to give you a breather.

Also -agree - go out yourself (gym, swim, cinema, walk, coffee), early nights, lie ins, go and read a book by yourself a bit.

Could you surprise them with a trip out as a gift? Afternoon tea somewhere or a theatre show? Then they’re not offended but you get some you time.

Not knocking you OP as I hate having house guests, but then I would never in a million years agree to this set up. It appears you have agreed to it, but understandably it is draining you physically and mentally.

Either take to your bed for 36 hours with a mystery lurgy (armed with nice food, drink and books) or if that is not possible, I would fuck off to a hotel (visiting friend with emergency) for a bit.

And don't agree to this kind of shit again

It is the son and daughter, she’s already said,

No don't do that.

If your having a tired day, best thing to do is "I'm not feeling great today, so popping back to bed for a while. You guys entertain yourselves today if you don't mind." They'll understand. I have similar problems and when people stay I say this and they are brilliant about it. Doesn't stop them staying the next time (also they help wash up etc so maybe your guests will do the same while your resting! )

I hope you're not serious. It's winter, where on earth would they go for a day? And yes, of course it's rude.

I'm not sure why people need to be out for you to take vitamins. But I agree with pp's, you can't tell people they need to go out. Take a day in your room if you need it or you go out. I have adult DC here and we're not in each others pockets. They have some plans to catch up with friends, I'm currently working (from home). We spend time together as and when.

Agreed you can’t send them out but you can easily go for a nap or tell them you have to get something/go for a walk

I've read one of op's other threads and I can see where she's coming from now. It does sound like too muchin the op's current circumstances.

We've had to put family off from visiting before now and I have no problem putting up boundaries if necessary. I think it's fine for the op to do that.

I'm inclined to agree with this now.

i think if its your own children then surely they will go and catch up woth friends or go to the pub or go for a walk. your DD will probably want to show her partner around etc.
Also you can just say I'm off to bed etc and leave them too it.

You can't just kick them out for the day without it seeming odd, but you could suggest that they go out for some kind of day trip:

• go into town to look at the sales, grab lunch and watch a movie
• trip to a stately home / garden an hour's drive away
• local museum + lunch out
• all day hike / bike ride with sandwiches

Or some other similar activity that matches their personality and interests.

Send them out the door, wishing them a lovely time, but decline to go yourself.

My favourite lovely aunt always suggested this when we visited for a day or to. No problem.

I wouldn't recommend going up to bed for the day because you still won't be able to settle knowing they're all in your house. Plus, people will pop in to check on you.

If I was staying with my mum for that long (I would never - one of us would end up on the 6 o'clock news!), I wouldn't be offended in the slightest if she told me I was under her feet and to go away for the day. However, I think the onus is probably on you to be inconvenienced here so I echo PPs suggestion of a hotel, if there is one nearby at a reasonable price.

I hope you find a painless solution; I deliberately have small sofas and no spare bedroom to deter would-be guests

I am sorry you are in this situation. I have not read your previous thread so do not know the full circumstances and who your guests are. If there is a local theatre or in a town nearby could you get them a gift of tickets to a show or tickets to the cinema etc or a voucher for lunch in a local hotel etc. It might give you a few hours obviously this is dependent whether you can afford to or not.

I do think that you have to be honest with them when they arrive to a point and tell them that you are under medical investigation and must take regularly rests so you will be retreating to your room regularly and not to take offence. Give them a key of the door (if they people you are happy to have a key) and tell they are welcome to come and goas they please

Once when I stayed (invited) with DB’s in-laws his MIL threw a strop and stormed out after a few days. It didn’t look good and she’s normally great.

Where they live (Bath) they have a thermal spa which if I’m there by myself or with a partner I often take myself there for 2-3 hours, plus massage etc and a browse round the shops. Doesn’t sound rude if you do that as it’s self care/pamper time.

Sometimes we will meet up for dinner and her DH will go off to the rugby with the men so it means everyone gets respite from cabin fever.

Is there something similar you can do where you live?

No she has said, quite clearly that is is NOT ONLY her children. Hence the issue

I'd much rather anyone hosting me asked me for a breather than them lose their shit entirely.

Don't spring it on them though - and give them some ideas of things to do

If they know you are having medical investigations, then you are perfectly within bounds of normality to say that you need a few hours of rest without interruption each day, but asking people to leave the house for a day feels a bit odd.

If it was my mum who said, love you all but bugger off for the day - I'd be fine with that to be honest. She'd probably say she had something else to do suggest we went off for the day.

We just had family visit for a week and palmed them off on another bit of the family for a couple of evenings as we had stuff that 'we just couldn't get out of' to do.

She also took herself off for the afternoon for a shop.

@Flowerandmpower , I would see if you can book a last minute hotel or air bnb for you (your partner?) and your son for 2 of the 3 nights that your DD's MIL is coming to stay.

I would also say to DD that you have been having some health problems with thyroid. Explain that you will be having a more relaxed Xmas this year. DD and her DP can 'host' for the time that MIL is there, shopping, cooking and entertaining.

As long as you manage expectations it should be fine.

I planned it for my family with half a day out. Me at home😂
I gave them list of things they can see in a city, got a taxi sorted and everyone was fine with it.

I also simply looked at them, told them I need to recharge and went to blisfull silence in a bedroom. They were welcomed to do the same at at some point everyone did!

I was in your DC’s position last year. DP and I live abroad so we went to visit for about 9 days over Xmas/NY. We only see each other about twice a year hence the long stay. My adult sisters were there too with DPs. I totally understand that my mum needed a bit of breathing space. I always do too. My dad put us on the car insurance so we went out for a drive on a couple of days and often occupied ourselves with other things, eg films, jigsaws, walks etc. We did more than our share of cooking and cleaning too.

However, my mum really avoided us A LOT of the time we were there and it was pretty upsetting. I mentioned it to my dad after 5 days who told my mum and she totally blew up at me, denied avoiding me and then spent the rest of the stay giving one word snarky answers to any attempt at conversation like a teenager. It was shit.

My advice is, yes, if you need space there’s no problem asking your kids to go out for the day. But be honest about it. Have a chat with them about boundaries to make sure you’re all happy and they aren’t worrying if there’s something they’ve done wrong or to offend you. And then enjoy the time you DO spend together. I think that’s much better than making hints or hiding away on your phone or in your room.

Just say you don't feel well and need to stay in bed. If you're having medical investigations, that could make it all the more plausible. I remember once my mother staying after I had had an operation. She was trying to impose all her standards on us and it was driving me crazy. I feigned feeling really tired so I could go and chill in my room.

I think that if you invite the guests to stay for a particular time period you need to be prepared to have the guests in your house for that period of time.

It's not reasonable to ask them to leave for a specific time period while you "recover" from their presence, you're not running a 1950s boarding house!

You've made an arrangement which you now regret - I think you have to either reduce the length of the stay by being honest and letting them know you're not up for it any more after some thought, or arrange plans for yourself during their stay which mean you're not together for the whole time. And learn a lesson for your future self.

Presumably it would be unusual for them not to leave the house to go anywhere at some point during the stay? I'd be suprised if they want to sit in your house for nine days without going out. The stress you're feeling is because you're not being true to yourself, and you're letting others' wants and needs bend you out of shape.