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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To ask my Christmas visitors to go out for a whole day!

146 replies

Flowerandmpower · 20/12/2022 13:20

Following on from my previous thread where i was feeling overwhelmed as visitors will be with us for at least 8 / 9 days over the festive period ..

I am feeling very tired .

I've taken advice .. like build in space and also To get some vitamins etc.

Would it be rude to ask them to go out for a day so I can rest up / just have sone quiet? And if so , is there a nice way of saying .. I love you but leave me alone for a day or inwill go mad .?
I struggle . Worry will offend . / upset .

OP posts:
ChristmasCakeAndStilton · 20/12/2022 15:19

The days that it is your daughter, her partner, and your son about, you can certainly say you are having a day on the sofa, and they need to make themselves scarce for most of the day.
When the partners mother is around, it will be harder, so you need to have recovered enough energy to get through those days.

Claddyt · 20/12/2022 15:22

You definitely cannot! Lol! But personally I can only have the odd occasional day in! So I’m certain that no one can really tolerate staying in for 9 whole days?!

Logginglogger · 20/12/2022 15:25

IsItThough · 20/12/2022 14:51

No she has said, quite clearly that is is NOT ONLY her children. Hence the issue

Show quote history

It’s her dc and one of their partners, so pretty much her kids,

Catterpillarwithconverse · 20/12/2022 15:29

Can you say something like... Why don't your all go to the Christmas markets today I hear they have some great German sausages and mulled wine and I'll stay at home as I need to mop the floor and rest.

zingally · 20/12/2022 15:31

No, I don't think you can do this.

Taking yourself off for a long bath/early night - fair enough. But basically kicking them out for the day? No. Presumably, if they're coming for an extended stay, they are not from the area, so wouldn't know what to do with themselves last minute.
Next year don't invite them for such a long stay, or if they suggest the length, use your words and say a number that suits you better.

NoelNoNoel · 20/12/2022 15:33

Ask them to go out so you can wrap their presents.

WonderingWanda · 20/12/2022 15:33

One way around this is plan a few days out such as long walk at a NT property, visit to local town for shopping and lunch etc but then on the day have a migraine. Apologise and say you'll have to bow out today. I assume they will bring their own transport and won't be reliant on you?

Needmorelego · 20/12/2022 15:35

Just say "Right... I am having a rest day tomorrow and am going to stay in bed so you lot will have to amuse yourselves. Here's a door key if you want to go out. There's food in the fridge"

whowantssmore · 20/12/2022 15:35

Honestly if i was staying with my mum & she came and told me she needed a day to herself I would rally and arrange something so we could get out of her hair. lunch & a walk, pub, bit of Christmas shopping, cinema. Lots of options

astarsheis · 20/12/2022 15:39

Do you live somewhere where they can go to...like London or another major city where there is plenty going on?

GETTINGLIKEMYMOTHER · 20/12/2022 15:43

Sympathies, OP.
When we had a houseful at Christmas I used at least to urge them all to bugger off for a walk - luckily we have a brilliant park close by - so I could ‘tidy up’, etc. - in other words give me a bit of P and Q!

ClangingBell · 20/12/2022 15:43

It’s just your kids and one of their partners for most of it? Just go to bed and read or something if you need to. Presumably they’re fairly young and will actually be wanting to go out some of the time anyway.

ApolloandDaphne · 20/12/2022 15:45

My own DC (ages 25 and 30) are the easiest visitors. They happily read or watch tv in their rooms for a while. They also cook, tidy up and make tea/pour wine. If I want space they are happy for me to lie in bed with my book or iPad for a few hours while they entertain themselves. Why don't you allocate them some meals to cook and take a few hours for yourself?

justgettingthroughtheday · 20/12/2022 15:47

I really don't get why people are so weird about stuff like this and can't just be honest.
Guys I'm feeling a bit burned out and could do with some space to recharge a bit tomorrow. There's x and y on in town which I though you guys might like to go to or z if not. Oh and on your way back could you pick up some takeaway for dinner there's cash on the side for it.

FleasNavidad · 20/12/2022 15:49

I'm feeling a bit tired, I'm going for a bit of peace and quiet. Help yourselves to anything you need

Original poster
Flowerandmpower · 20/12/2022 15:49

Thanks all . Its really not just jy dc its partner and their parent.
they live a long way away and said oh we dont know how long we are staying … and as dc involved .. i didnt want ro time limit!! … , but the other people got invited and not by me . I struggle to say no especially as one person is a carer and need respite and so ny dc and partner invited her .. ohh wht dont you come too for a few days and have a rest

calmer now as you have given me alternative ideas.
there is no cinema near us but there is a small pretty town . . I feel bad taking to my bed for the day hut if it comes to needing it .. i will .

OP posts:
purplecorkheart · 20/12/2022 15:52

Ok that makes things slightly different. I would be taking your dc aside and telling them that while you welcome their in-law you are not able to host all the time and they will have to make some plans to give you space.

I would also insist on a start and end date for the uninvited guests.

Moonpies · 20/12/2022 15:53

If it's your kids and their visitors, why you need to entertain/ provide? Make a list with your kids who is responsible of what: cleaning, cooking, shopping. Explain that you also need some time off.

BMW6 · 20/12/2022 15:54

As the "guests" are very close family I'd just say you need to have some time alone to recharge, or simply you didn't sleep well, and go to bed with a good book for a few hours.

Pothoswithasparkle · 20/12/2022 16:01

I feel bad taking to my bed for the day hut if it comes to needing it .. i will .

Don't. For next time remember that rest is needed so plan it with them ahead and be open about it. I have people always stay for minimum a week and I always make sure everyone understands it is ABSOLUTELY ok yo bugger of to different room for peace. We do not need to be joined at a hip. Everyone loves it!

QueenCamilla · 20/12/2022 16:02

They'd all see me as much or as little as I want.
I do that even with my nine year old. And the builders (sorry guys, tired & staying in bed tomorrow. Don't expect to see me around, just crack on with the job).

But then I don't understand the martyrdom.

newnamequickly · 20/12/2022 16:04

No you can't. It's rude. But I understand.

Depending on the ages find brochures for things to do in the local area. Attach post it notes with supporting comments. This could buy you a half day here and there.

Look into free local attractions and jot down info.

Make sure each day you say after lunch that you are going for a lay down. Go to your room, close the door and spend time quietly to re-charge. An hour each day may be enough.

I totally understand where you are coming from. We are a ND family and it's essential we all have recharge time. I used to do this when visiting family too.

IsItThough · 20/12/2022 16:15

I disagree with all the people saying its rude. It really truly isn't. Especially not with notice and some ideas of what to do and a bit of honesty about the situation.

Are they here already? Speak to your DC and tell them how your are at the moment - everyone is very welcome but you need to prioritise your own health and wellbeing, this won't come naturally to a middle-aged woman.

Literally nobody reasonable would expect to stay 8 days and be entertained and hosted the entire time.

Lovemusic33 · 20/12/2022 16:17

If it’s your own dc then I think it’s fine to explain that you need a break. I have my dd home for 3 weeks and we both need a break from each other after a few days. She has arranged a couple days out as have I.
you could also go and relax in your bedroom with a book if/when you are tired?

Clarinet1 · 20/12/2022 16:18

I’m in the camp of making suggestions for activities - “Do go and see X”. “There should be lovely stuff in the sales wherever” or whatever you think would float their boat.
Alternatively is there anything you could have taking place at their house that would require their absence - work meeting, committee meeting for something you’re involved in.....,?