Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
Katekeeprunning · 21/12/2022 17:58

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 19/12/2022 18:18

Tell your colleague she can put you down as a reference. It's then up to your boss whether to talk to you or not.

Great idea

Mandyjack · 21/12/2022 18:03

Tell her that it would be better for her that she got the job under her own merit

KateKateLee · 21/12/2022 18:06

Tell her you’ve said no so she needs to leave you alone or you’ll report her to HR for harassment and that won’t help her promotion prospects.

AdopterMum · 21/12/2022 18:09

Grumpyoldpersonwithcats · 19/12/2022 18:18

Tell your colleague she can put you down as a reference. It's then up to your boss whether to talk to you or not.

This!

evian76 · 21/12/2022 18:09

Tell her that, as you have said, you never discuss work, therefore if you did say something it would be very obvious that you have been asked to do that and it might actually negatively impact your friends chances of promotion. Sorry she’s asked you to do that, it’s not on really.

WinterDeWinter · 21/12/2022 18:10

I think be bold if she carries on: "flippin' heck, friend, you've got to back off! It's really unprofessional to put me under pressure like this and not listen to my boundaries! This would ruin my relationship with boss and it won't do you any favours at all - she despises nepotism. I think your desire to get the job is clouding your vision, I know you're not usually like this. Let's move on!"

That way you if she gets the job you haven't criticised her in a fundamental way and she won't behave badly out of guilt and shame as people so often do.

BlueTick · 21/12/2022 18:11

evian76 · 21/12/2022 18:09

Tell her that, as you have said, you never discuss work, therefore if you did say something it would be very obvious that you have been asked to do that and it might actually negatively impact your friends chances of promotion. Sorry she’s asked you to do that, it’s not on really.

Yes I would have gone in with a more negative slant about how talking her up would prejudice her chances. It would look really odd and stage-managed.

Your friend also, is not really a friend.

Jackster11 · 21/12/2022 18:13

Is it a character reference she is after, you could do that, but is that really needed as she is a peer? Sounds like she wants you to influence the outcome and you can’t do that. Also, be good for her to know she was successful on her own merit

AllyArty · 21/12/2022 18:14

Some friend she is putting u in a position like that. You should be the one disappointed-in her and the way she is using you. Aside from that you could jeopardise her getting the promotion by putting in a good word for her. Tell her you don’t like the way she is treating you and go quiet on her for a bit.

TomRaider · 21/12/2022 18:16

Not sure I've ever seen as conclusive a vote on a aibu!

me109f · 21/12/2022 18:16

If you try and influence your boss like that then you put her in an awkward position, make yourself look sly and your colleague look pushy.

Keep your friendship with your boss, she likes you as a friend not as an interfering influencer.

Your boss will not be fooled by your efforts and your colleague will be seen as pushy and be more likely to be seen in a poor light.

JoyeuxNarwhal · 21/12/2022 18:19

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 07:13

Thought I'd update as my colleague has replied, late yesterday evening but have only just read it.

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

Feeling quite pressured now, uncomfortably so.

Think I'd have replied something like "Yeah, I'll not be doing that. Happy to report the harassment if it continues though 🙂" to be honest @BluesandReds!!

Princessglittery · 21/12/2022 18:21

CloudyOwl · 20/12/2022 15:19

I've been thinking about this whole scenario.

Yes, this colleague may well just be a CF without respect for you or your boundaries BUT...

OP you said this person is genuinely your friend and that you have a positive working relationship, and that your friendship with Boss is only outside of work?

It's clear that she doesn't understand your friendship with Boss (hence not believing you don't talk about work etc), so could it be that she's massively underestimated how important your friendship with Boss is to you?

Could it be that she feels a bit upset and confused that you've effectively (in her eyes maybe) prioritised your Boss friendship over your friendship with her- she perhaps genuinely didn't expect that her original request wasn't something you'd be happy to do as a friend, and she's now doubled down because she assumed wrongly and is perhaps attempting to alleviate embarrassment and insecurity by pushing it?

I'm just playing devils advocate really, but do consider that she's probably feeling pretty vulnerable whether her actions were borne out of CFery or not.

Everyone is talking about her approaching you about it in person as though that would be a terrible thing?! Nah, if I was you I'd seek her out tomorrow and have a chat about it. Text is such an awful means of communication, I bet everything could be smoothed over quickly in person.

@CloudyOwl you have looked at this from a different perspective but the OP was clear in her first response to her friend the nature of her friendship with the Boss. It is unacceptable to try to gain an advantage in this way, it’s the same as nepotism and could also damage the OPs reputation at work.

@BluesandReds your second message was really good hopefully your friend will understand why you can’t do anything in this situation.

niugboo · 21/12/2022 18:23

She sounds really unpleasant.

ittakes2 · 21/12/2022 18:36

I would take a different tack - tell her you are having her back because you know the boss well and if you tried to do what she asked it would not be well received by the boss and would go against her.

YDBear · 21/12/2022 18:42

Repeat to her that you don’t discuss work with the boss. Tell her you’re not going to break this rule just to please her. As for her disappointment that “you didn’t fight her corner,” I’d say “yeah, well I’m just going to have to cry myself to sleep over that.”

Zax · 21/12/2022 18:46

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

Tell her that if she persists to hassle you then you'll put the word into your boss that she's asking for your help to climb her career ladder via a dose of ass linking and not by merit.

Aftersevens · 21/12/2022 18:57

CloudyOwl · 20/12/2022 14:39

Yes!

Show quote history

Sorry to derail but I didn’t know the 👍is passive aggressive.
Shit 😬

Princessglittery · 21/12/2022 19:00

OMG is that what the 👍means

Livelovebehappy · 21/12/2022 19:05

Just tell her you have. Surely she doesn’t think it will be an automatic promotion for her if you did put in a good word anyway. It’s a lie I know, but a justified one. It will get her off your back..

Brackensmomma · 21/12/2022 19:07

Put it in capital letters that you are not going to get involved in her promotion. If she wants to ruin your friendship then that's up to her. But make it plain and clear you will not be getting involved.
She's totally out if order for even asking you to compromise your friendship with the boss or her.

Passthegin99 · 21/12/2022 19:09

You could say to her, 'the best I can do is, if the boss asks me what I think of you for the role then I will absolutely advocate on your behalf, but for me to initiate the conversation when we NEVER talk work would tip her off you asked me to and would likely have the opposite effect you are hoping for...'

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 21/12/2022 19:11

if She is this pushy before the promotion she is going to be terrible after. I can only imagine how much of a monster boss she will be to those who work under her.

Thirdsummerofourdiscontent · 21/12/2022 19:12

I would lie and say you mentioned her in a positive way in passing and boss ignored you because you don’t talk about work.

Zosime · 21/12/2022 19:13

Just tell her you have.

No, do not do this! She'll tell people, and OP and boss lady will have no way of proving that it isn't true and didn't influence the promotion one way or another.