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AIBU?

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Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
coodawoodashooda · 20/12/2022 13:02

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 19:46

If you had the power to talk your friends into senior roles, why wouldn't you have bagged a promotion for yourself on this basis?

This might be the only complication - I have been offered the promotion myself but turned it down as I'm 100% happy in my minion role (means I can keep my part time hours, much less stress and I leave work at the door). This was before the boss and I became friends, this is also why our friendship works I think as she knows I have no agenda at all.

That's a really good situation to be in.

Genevieva · 20/12/2022 13:14

Ignore her reply for now. Your colleague is repeatedly crossing the line to the extent that it could cause both you and your boss harm if there was ever any inkling that you did put in a good word. I am afraid this colleague is not a friend and does not sound like someone who can be trusted with authority because she has poor judgement. She is a fool. If you told anyone that she had been pestering you in this way then she could also find herself on the receiving end of disciplinary action. It simply isn't fair on the other candidates.

Butchyrestingface · 20/12/2022 13:14

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

You're FRIENDS with this person?

I'd be tempted to show Boss-friend the text exchange. Xmas Grin

Alibabasonethief · 20/12/2022 13:19

You’ve already answered I’d say no more. It is exhausting dealing with people like that. No self awareness no boundaries for others although often they have excellent boundaries for themselves. Silence speaks volumes in these circumstances.

Zebracat · 20/12/2022 13:28

I would absolutely not want that person to have any seniority to me. She really crossed the line. You told her nicely that you couldnt do it. If I were you, I would be thinking of saying to the boss that x had been pressuring you to speak up for her. Or I would reply that sadly I was not able to follow her suggestion because it wasn’t true and she was showing a worrying lack of boundaries.

TiddleyWink · 20/12/2022 13:29

‘As I’ve already said several times, we don’t talk about anything work related. At all. It’s the only reason our friendship works. I’m not prepared to jeopardise my friendship and make a tit of myself in order to try and get you a promotion which you will get on your own merits if it’s meant to be. In any case, if I said anything it would be more likely to have a bad effect if anything as it would make both of us look sneaky and unprofessional. It would also end my friendship. I’m not prepared to do that so please stop harassing me about this. I’m honestly very surprised and disappointed that you’re still asking me despite me being very clear about how uncomfortable you’re making me. As far as I’m concerned that’s the end of the matter.’

Irridescantshimmmer · 20/12/2022 13:29

You are on the right track there OP, i would tell your colleague it is a line you will not cross. Once you've establushed that boundary she should get the message.

skyeisthelimit · 20/12/2022 13:44

Just ignore the message and if she says anything face to face then just repeat

" we do not discuss work, I cannot do that" Don't get into a discussion or argument over it, just repeat the same phrase.

Just make sure that you keep a note of all the messages etc in case it turns into an HR issue at any point.

NeverDropYourMooncup · 20/12/2022 13:48

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 07:13

Thought I'd update as my colleague has replied, late yesterday evening but have only just read it.

She text: "It's not a big deal, just say a good word about me, tell (Boss) that you would prefer me to get role, no drama is it."

Feeling quite pressured now, uncomfortably so.

I'd tell my boss.

Pretty sure that most places have a rule that pressurising others is gross misconduct and instantly disqualifies them from another role, too.

lieselotte · 20/12/2022 13:52

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 11:59

I think friendships like yours are completely inappropriate and really put other staff at a disadvantage. If you’re going to have this inappropriate relationship the least you can do is level the playing field and put in a good word for your mate

Must happen in education settings all the time - people being personal friends with the people who may ultimately teach their kids, and/or end up working at the same school as they do.

The OP hasn't said if she was friends with the boss before either of them started the job, but you don't ignore people when you meet them outside because you work with them.

lieselotte · 20/12/2022 13:54

Oh just realised that she decided to go to part-time before she was friends with the boss, but it doesn't really matter to the issue in hand.

CleopatrasBeautifulNose · 20/12/2022 14:04

It's no big drama unless she makes it one!
Putting in a 'good word for your mate' could massively backfire. The boss could really really dislike her trying to pull her social levers.
Exerting influence through a friend instead of trusting your own skills and merit to get you the job also makes you look like a weak candidate.

Tell her you're staying out of it for those 2 very good reasons and if it's meant to be she'll get the job. Wish her luck and all her not too mention it again as she is making things awkward that don't need to be awkward.

Zosime · 20/12/2022 14:14

‘As I’ve already said several times, we don’t talk about anything work related. At all. It’s the only reason our friendship works. I’m not prepared to jeopardise my friendship and make a tit of myself in order to try and get you a promotion which you will get on your own merits if it’s meant to be. In any case, if I said anything it would be more likely to have a bad effect if anything as it would make both of us look sneaky and unprofessional. It would also end my friendship. I’m not prepared to do that so please stop harassing me about this. I’m honestly very surprised and disappointed that you’re still asking me despite me being very clear about how uncomfortable you’re making me. As far as I’m concerned that’s the end of the matter.’

Much too long and waffly. There's no need for so much explanation. 'I've said No. Don't ask me again.' is all that's needed.

CloudyOwl · 20/12/2022 14:39

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 20/12/2022 12:30

This is what the passive aggressive thumbs up emoji was made for

just reply with 👍 and nothing else

Yes!

Original poster
BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 14:50

I've decided to reply -

"If you'd like to discuss the promotion role further I would suggest you request a meeting with (boss), as advocating for yourself is far more constructive than by proxy! As I've said, these matters are just nothing to do with me whatsoever. See you tomorrow."

OP posts:
MadMadMadamMim · 20/12/2022 14:57

That's a good message, OP. Well done. If you get a response asking again I'd block her at that point, to be honest.

LookItsMeAgain · 20/12/2022 15:04

Kolakalia · 20/12/2022 08:48

If she persists you could go down the road of...

'Friend, at this point even if I did talk to boss about you it would be to tell them you're trying to gain an unfair advantage over others by pressuring me to put a word in'

This is a good option to have (if you haven't already replied).

I got as far as this post and thought I should recommend it. I'll go back now and read on from that point

user1496146479 · 20/12/2022 15:15

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 11:59

I think friendships like yours are completely inappropriate and really put other staff at a disadvantage. If you’re going to have this inappropriate relationship the least you can do is level the playing field and put in a good word for your mate

Which would be in level playing field for anyone else going for the promotion!
OPs colleague should get her promotion on their own merit!

CloudyOwl · 20/12/2022 15:19

I've been thinking about this whole scenario.

Yes, this colleague may well just be a CF without respect for you or your boundaries BUT...

OP you said this person is genuinely your friend and that you have a positive working relationship, and that your friendship with Boss is only outside of work?

It's clear that she doesn't understand your friendship with Boss (hence not believing you don't talk about work etc), so could it be that she's massively underestimated how important your friendship with Boss is to you?

Could it be that she feels a bit upset and confused that you've effectively (in her eyes maybe) prioritised your Boss friendship over your friendship with her- she perhaps genuinely didn't expect that her original request wasn't something you'd be happy to do as a friend, and she's now doubled down because she assumed wrongly and is perhaps attempting to alleviate embarrassment and insecurity by pushing it?

I'm just playing devils advocate really, but do consider that she's probably feeling pretty vulnerable whether her actions were borne out of CFery or not.

Everyone is talking about her approaching you about it in person as though that would be a terrible thing?! Nah, if I was you I'd seek her out tomorrow and have a chat about it. Text is such an awful means of communication, I bet everything could be smoothed over quickly in person.

blueshoes · 20/12/2022 15:22

OP, you know you have to come back and tell us whether she got the promotion.

Rogue1001MNer · 20/12/2022 17:23

Late to the party, but very good message @BluesandReds
Did you see her today? Did she say anything?

However, I also like @CloudyOwl's very considered, thoughtful post.
It's a kind view, and I wonder if it might be right

Smartstuffed · 21/12/2022 08:41

Suggest to your friend that if she really needs you to put in a good word with your boss maybe she should withdraw from the process since she is giving you a strong indicator that she is not confident in her ability to secure the role by her own efforts and on her own merit.

Michellelovesizzy · 21/12/2022 17:48

Can’t u just say you did how will she know you didn’t?

Puzzledandpissedoff · 21/12/2022 17:52

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 14:50

I've decided to reply -

"If you'd like to discuss the promotion role further I would suggest you request a meeting with (boss), as advocating for yourself is far more constructive than by proxy! As I've said, these matters are just nothing to do with me whatsoever. See you tomorrow."

FWIW I like your message, OP - accurate, to the point, but not in any way confrontational
Best just hope the message goes home ...

BaconChops · 21/12/2022 17:56

No, she’s overstepping boundaries of friendship. I’d simply tell her you’re not prepared to do it.