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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

Awkward situation at work

366 replies

BluesandReds · 19/12/2022 18:14

I'm good friends with my boss. She's the top boss - I'm just a minion, several rungs below. We have a lot in common and share a hobby so we see each other socially and are in touch most days.

We seem to have this rule that neither of us have ever really stated to each other, but we both adhere to - we never discuss work. We never talk about colleagues, and if there's anything work related like holidays, changing a shift, then I go through the right channels; there's I suspect this is partly why our friendship works.

A colleague who is the same 'rank' as me is after a promotion, I'm quite close to her as a friend too, and I think a lot of her. But she has asked me to put in a good word for her, which I can't do. I've tried explaining to her that the boss and I never discuss work and I wouldn't dream of getting involved but she's being adamant.

She's text me tonight asking if I've said anything yet, and that if she doesn't get the promotion then she'll be very disappointed that I didn't fight her corner.

I'm getting a bit annoyed now that she's not listening - what can I say/do?

OP posts:
Mumuser124 · 20/12/2022 11:45

Id just say ‘will do’ and that would be the end of it. She’s being childish.

BamBamBilla · 20/12/2022 11:55

I'd ignore the message but if she brings it up in face to face conversation I'd say "I've already told you why I won't be doing that".

Saracen · 20/12/2022 11:56

Your message was very clear. You could simply re-send it! The ultimate "broken record" technique.

BaconMassive · 20/12/2022 11:57

Say nothing and then claim credit if she gets the role.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 11:59

I think friendships like yours are completely inappropriate and really put other staff at a disadvantage. If you’re going to have this inappropriate relationship the least you can do is level the playing field and put in a good word for your mate

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 12:00

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 11:59

I think friendships like yours are completely inappropriate and really put other staff at a disadvantage. If you’re going to have this inappropriate relationship the least you can do is level the playing field and put in a good word for your mate

Oof found your CF friend, OP.

HelpMeGetThrough · 20/12/2022 12:01

Oof found your CF friend, OP.

🍿 👀

DPotter · 20/12/2022 12:06

I think your friendship with colleague may be over.

If she doesn't get the promotion she'll resent you and if she does she sounds like the sort of person who will laud it over you and try to inveigle her way between you and the Boss. Given this is the case - you can be absolutely straight and direct with her - you will not be saying anything in her favour or otherwise as things stand at the moment, but if she continues you may find yourself speaking against her promotion

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 12:09

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 12:00

Oof found your CF friend, OP.

Show quote history

Hilarious 🤪

Ive been in an org station where someone on my level palled about with a member of SLT and did the whole “Oh our friendship is NOTHING to do with work it’s all still totally fair” and it’s such bullshit.

CharlotteUnaNatalieThompson · 20/12/2022 12:09

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 11:59

I think friendships like yours are completely inappropriate and really put other staff at a disadvantage. If you’re going to have this inappropriate relationship the least you can do is level the playing field and put in a good word for your mate

Well they clearly DON'T put other staff at a disadvantage given that

  1. the OP never discussed work with her friend
  2. declined an offered promotion because she was happy where she was

Can you point out exactly how this is disadvantaging anyone or are you just being goady?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 12:11

I also call BS that you never discuss work with a close work friend. You may tell others you don’t but I’d find that hard to believe

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2022 12:14

Tell her that if her comprehension skills are that bad she's probably not suitable for the promotion.

Either that or tell her you've put a word in but don't do anything, she's hardly likely to ask the boss if you've said anything (is she?)

RethinkingLife · 20/12/2022 12:15

OP, on the face of it, your colleague is behaving badly. And, no, in your position and after your very clear refusal, the colleague is wrong to persist.

However, I've no idea of your workplace culture and what expectations there are around networking, 'putting in a good word' etc. A lot of employers espouse meritocracy but according to staff many will report that it's nepotism and/or networking that gets people ahead.

A lot depends on culture.

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 12:15

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 12:11

I also call BS that you never discuss work with a close work friend. You may tell others you don’t but I’d find that hard to believe

With projection skills like that you should be working for Odeon.

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 20/12/2022 12:20

Cannot stand these pushy types that won't hear 'no'. A friend who was done for drunk driving asked me to go to court and lie for her. I said no again and again but she would not leave it alone. I did not go.

RethinkingLife · 20/12/2022 12:25

SlouchingTowardsBethlehemAgain · 20/12/2022 12:20

Cannot stand these pushy types that won't hear 'no'. A friend who was done for drunk driving asked me to go to court and lie for her. I said no again and again but she would not leave it alone. I did not go.

A work colleague was asked to provide an alibi for a neighbour who was eventually convicted as a serial killer.

Not that the colleague knew that at the time of refusing…

pinkyredrose · 20/12/2022 12:29

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 12:11

I also call BS that you never discuss work with a close work friend. You may tell others you don’t but I’d find that hard to believe

You know the OPs friendship better than she does?

MontyK · 20/12/2022 12:30

Haven't read the whole thread so this might have already been said - but you can explain this is a conflict of interest and probably against hiring policy to show bias towards a certain person just because you're friends:

Although I wouldn't be friends with her for much longer. She sounds like a right pain in the area.

Iudncuewbccgrcb · 20/12/2022 12:30

This is what the passive aggressive thumbs up emoji was made for

just reply with 👍 and nothing else

user1477249785 · 20/12/2022 12:30

I'd be blunt now and simply say: This is inappropriate. Please don't ask me to do this again.

ChiefWiggumsBoy · 20/12/2022 12:34

“You want me to tell my friend that you’re pressuring me to do something I don’t feel
comfortable with? And you think this will reflect positively?”

Sandra1984 · 20/12/2022 12:47

Tell her your boss has made you crystal clear this hobby is her free personal time and she does not want to hear ANYTHING work related, your boss would be very dissapointed if you pushed for your friends promotion, it would break the agreement and make you look bad thus jeopardising your own relationship with the boss and as much as you want to help the friend this is ultimately going to backfire on you (and it will) and would rather not do it. You need to think on number 1 (you).

JauntyJinty · 20/12/2022 12:48

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 20/12/2022 12:09

Hilarious 🤪

Ive been in an org station where someone on my level palled about with a member of SLT and did the whole “Oh our friendship is NOTHING to do with work it’s all still totally fair” and it’s such bullshit.

Show quote history

Oh OK one person did a thing once so every single other person will definitely always behave in the same way forever - got ya!

sillysmiles · 20/12/2022 12:55

BluesandReds · 20/12/2022 09:46

I'm torn between ignoring the message (I'll see her at work tomorrow though) or replying with something more blunt.

How comfortable are you with being direct and blunt with her in person? If yes, then I'd ignore until she brings it up in person!

GeneParmesanPrivateEye · 20/12/2022 12:58

BatshitBanshee · 20/12/2022 12:15

With projection skills like that you should be working for Odeon.

Show quote history

😂