To never go to my partner's for Christmas

[Volumous]

I've avoided going to DP's family Christmas for several years now, but his mum appears to be getting offended that I don't go, and keeps asking DP why or making little comments about it.

The reason why is that I find it extremely overwhelming and uncomfortable. They're a welcoming family and we all get on well, but I find it difficult. I don't have any warm, fuzzy, excited feelings towards Christmas because I grew up in a dysfunctional household where Christmas was mostly spent treading on eggshells. DPs family are very close, and on Xmas day there will be 10 members of extended family at his parents' house all day, followed by the same people and more over to his aunt's house on Boxing Day. Lots of competitive games involved, drinking, family banter, etc. I have to pretend to be happy and love Christmas for 2-3 days solid. It's probably weird I know, but I just don't like it. I don't drink, and just want to sit by the fire and read or paint and be quiet and cosy on my days off!

DP's parents are quite old fashioned and judgemental and believe people should be present for the sake of social etiquette. But aibu to not go?

YABU. You might have valid feelings about your own past Christmas, but DPs family Christmas sounds really lovely. Don't you want to make new Christmas memories?

It's also a bit unfair on your DP, you are kind of making Christmas all about you im afraid.

You can do anything you want, however you have to be willing to accept the consequences. How does your partner feel? Do they wish you'd make more of an effort with their family? You have an entire year to do what you want, is spending a couple of days with your partner's family really too much to ask? You can't manage one of the days?

I think you're being a bit unreasonable. It sounds like they have a nice time and you never know - you might enjoy it! Why not try a day and see how you feel? You can always come home and never go again? 😂

Could there be a compromise ? You could spend a few hours for the meal then go home ? Would dp parents be okay if you did this ?

My friend was like this for similar reasons. They came to us non family one year. No hassle, expectations. The next year she threw her own Christmas buffet.

I would do one of the days and find something you enjoy on the other day. I'd struggle with two days. I've always enjoyed boxing day when it's peaceful again and I can relax

Yeah I agree with pp about making new Christmas memories with your new partner so that previous Christmas's are not the only ones you have .
A new relationship is an exiting time Especially at Christmas . Try it .

Also to mention that both my gran and grandpa died from Covid in December 2020. The last time I spoke to my grandpa was on Christmas Eve, via Zoom, while he was in hospital and was really confused and upset. I just don't feel up to a big pretend happy Christmas.

Would your grandparents be happy you were unhappy still at Christmas?

It’s unfair to say that it’s for the sake of ‘social etiquette’ - it’s completely normal behaviour for families who enjoy spending time with the people they care about.

I’m sure you could find a compromise: alternate years, one day rather than two etc.

Sometimes you should do stuff you don’t particularly want to do to make your partner happy.

What does your DP say? Do they go without you and leave you to spend Christmas on your own, or do they stay with you and resent you for not wanting to spend Christmas with their family?

I think YABU I’m afraid. I don’t particularly love going to my in-laws at Christmas but I do it because I love my husband, they are nice people (just not my cup of tea) who make an effort, and I’d hate them to think I disliked them so much that I’d rather be alone. Go for a day

No one says you have to walk in all ho ho ho, life of the party. But you seem determined that Christmas must NOT be enjoyed. You won't give yourself permission to actually have a nice day.

It isn't your fault that Christmas was hard as a kid, and you don't deserve to have to be alone and sad every year because of it.

Is go, be yourself, shout back and watch if that's what you prefer, be honest about it being painful being near the anniversary of your grandparents recent death, but allow other people in

DP always goes to his family's for Christmas. (His mum has a meltdown if him and his siblings aren't home for Christmas). I have spent the past few Christmases with my sister, or alone. I don't think DP cares much to be honest! We live in a TINY flat together, and we also work from home, so it's nice to have a bit of space for a few days.

I would never inflict my family on him so he's never been to my family's for Christmas.

Yanbu. Not many people understand non drinkers don't find such get togethers remotely enjoyable especially if holidays meant something different to them personally.

But because it matters to them just show your face at his parents for lunch. no need to go to his aunt or boxing day too.

I would hate it myself so I don’t think you are being unreasonable. People from big families rarely understand how overwhelming they can be to some of us. And you are dealing with bereavement too. Please spend the time how you wish, life is too short for people pleasing.

It depends how serious you are about him. If he's a life long partner then making an effort with his family even if it's outside of your comfort zone is just part of being part of a new bigger family. If he's not "the one" then don't bother.

This.

You are in a relationship and sometimes that means going the extra mile, Could you not compromise and spend one day with them before 'needing to go home to get a work project completed'? You might enjoy yourself !

Have you had therapy for your childhood trauma so you can move forward? It seems like you're holding onto a lot of trauma and resentment. The way you talk about your partner's family is laced with hostility. You almost seem to resent them for enjoying festivities.

You need to be careful that you don't isolate your partner from his family just because you don't like yours. Can you pbook a hotel nearby so you can have a quiet space to escape to? I'd go for the lunch and then return to the hotel after desert.

@FlamingJingleBells Yes maybe there is an element of resentment.

I don't think I'm isolating DP from the family at all, I never stop him seeing them, he always goes there for Christmas or whenever he likes. I do visit them throughout the rest of the year, it's just Christmas I'm not keen on.

YANBU. I don't get everyone thinking you should just do it. My family is nice and so all those things and I struggle myself 😂 it's overwhelming and if there's any day you should make yourself happy it's Christmas

I'm quite surprised by the responses. It sounds like you're happy with the situation and your partner is too. Why is it unacceptable for you to go to your sister's?

Really?
When he’s not bothered and this is just his mum - who apparently insists on hosting all her children.
Do you reckon if OP had a baby with man and proposed alternating a quiet Xmas at home with their own small family with the shindig, his mum would be saying, “well if you’re serious about the mother of your child, you’d stay home”? Would she fuck!

YANBU but I think he needs to properly explain the situation if you are happy for him to.
We have to go to PILS every few years on a rotation, even though I don't want to and it involves just sitting with the TV on all day and that's it

I understand that you find it all overwhelming.
If you were to go there, would you have a room that you could retreat to? Or could you visit for part of the day and then go home?
Have you actually spoken to DP's mum about how you feel about Christmas - maybe if she understood your reasons for not going she'd stop commenting.

Maybe it’s time to start making new memories of Christmas, happy welcoming ones at that. Ones that you can look back on that make you smile.

id go with a plan just in case you feel too overwhelmed.