Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Child-safe in minutes.

Meet the Other Phone.
Child-safe in minutes.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never go to my partner's for Christmas

128 replies

Volumous · 19/12/2022 00:07

I've avoided going to DP's family Christmas for several years now, but his mum appears to be getting offended that I don't go, and keeps asking DP why or making little comments about it.

The reason why is that I find it extremely overwhelming and uncomfortable. They're a welcoming family and we all get on well, but I find it difficult. I don't have any warm, fuzzy, excited feelings towards Christmas because I grew up in a dysfunctional household where Christmas was mostly spent treading on eggshells. DPs family are very close, and on Xmas day there will be 10 members of extended family at his parents' house all day, followed by the same people and more over to his aunt's house on Boxing Day. Lots of competitive games involved, drinking, family banter, etc. I have to pretend to be happy and love Christmas for 2-3 days solid. It's probably weird I know, but I just don't like it. I don't drink, and just want to sit by the fire and read or paint and be quiet and cosy on my days off!

DP's parents are quite old fashioned and judgemental and believe people should be present for the sake of social etiquette. But aibu to not go?

OP posts:
SaltedCaramelIcedLatte · 19/12/2022 11:26

hosyyy · 19/12/2022 09:48

Life's too short to force yourself to do things to please other people! Good for you btw! You spend your time doing what makes you happy and what pleases you! I don't think I could cope with that much stimulation either. Your Christmas's sound absolutely perfect to me.

xxx

I agree with this...don't go if you don't want to.

NippyWoowoo · 19/12/2022 11:34

Ihavethisthingwithcolour · 19/12/2022 10:46

Op if you think you are on the autistic spectrum then get diagnosed. Surely that’ll be the ultimate get out of jail card?!

You don’t say how old you are but these gatherings won’t be forever. Life is so short. I don’t have any extended family left on my side and my dp family are so wrapped up in themselves and disjointed we’ve never had an invite and they’ve never been to us when we’ve asked. Gently - can you try to appreciate their generosity and their invitation to you?

The OP doesn't need a 'get out of jail card'. People don't need a diagnosed condition to not partake in something that doesn't make them happy.

LeopardPrintHo · 19/12/2022 11:37

I have been in the same situation as you for years OP. My H's family gatherings are completely different to what I'm used to and I used to feel overwhelmed and awkward and out of place due to the loudness and sheer numbers of people squashed in a small house (I've sat on a living floor for 4 hours+ while heavily pregnant!). There was never any excuse for not going and you would certainly be talked about if you went upstairs for a rest or went home after a few hours.
Nowadays I either don't attend or go for a few hours and don't give a crap whether they roll their eyes at me or not, my H attends and tbh, he tries to cut it short these days and does not mind at all if I don't want too. I like my home comforts and don't apologise for not wanting to do what they do year after year. I've seen grandchildren/great grandchildren grow up and get partners who are also forced into attending and can tell some of them are scared stiff and I feel desperately sorry for them walking in and having a shit plate of food shoved at them and made to sit between two other relatives firing questions and other ones clearly taking the piss at the rabbit caught in the headlights look they all seem to have! I wish I'd have been strong enough to make a stand for myself when I was younger against it!

Testina · 19/12/2022 12:02

@Helendee “No one seems to have a sense of duty these days, especially towards family.”

”these days” 🤣 no - we no longer all think we have to martyr ourselves to accommodate other people’s demands.

Why does this woman - the “MIL” - get to be the one who determines how a sense of duty towards family is shown? Why doesn’t she care enough about the needs of her “family” to accept happily that what is high jinks for one person is deathly boring or actively uncomfortable for another?

Give me care, love, empathy and day over “duty”.

alloutofcareunits · 19/12/2022 12:07

@SaltedCaramelIcedLatte I agree too. I can't understand so many people saying OP should basically suck it up and go. It sounds like my idea of hell!! Why do sociable people always 'win' and are seen as being in the right? OP isn't suggesting any of them sit and read or paint for the day, she's happy for them to do their day how they like it - but she isn't allowed to do the same? OP, your day sounds perfect, stay in and enjoy it

bizzywiththefizzy · 19/12/2022 12:39

Shol · 19/12/2022 09:53

Normally I’d say do what you like with most events, but here I think what’s happening is that you’re refusing to move forward into the future and away from past griefs, you’re refusing to integrate into his family, you’re sending the message that you’d prefer to be alone than become a real part of his family. I can see why she’s a bit offended, but she will also be sad for you that you’re doing this and suspicious that if you insist on refusing to integrate into his family, the relationship is not going anywhere.

I may of course be wrong 🤷‍♀️😬 but I think you need to move past what’s holding you back. Are you planning on children ever? If not, maybe it doesn’t matter so much, but if you are, you need to find a way to be positive about family festivals despite not having had a good childhood.

This is exactly what I think , it would be good for you move forward rather than dwelling on Christmases past .
Maybe a Therapist might be useful for you .

Helendee · 19/12/2022 12:44

@Testina

I hardly think spending a few hours with family amounts to martyrdom 😂.

drpet49 · 19/12/2022 12:57

bizzywiththefizzy · 19/12/2022 12:39

This is exactly what I think , it would be good for you move forward rather than dwelling on Christmases past .
Maybe a Therapist might be useful for you .

Show quote history

This. OP is being so unreasonable

FrangipaniBlue · 19/12/2022 13:06

Given that the OP has offered a compromise of just going for the day and coming home but that her DP has refused as he wants to go for a few days to appease his mum, then I don't think she is rude or BU at all.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 13:09

I would ignore most of the comments here OP. Lots of ignorance about mental health and trauma. Of course therapy can be helpful but it's incredibly expensive and isn't by any means a cure for trauma so the glib 'go see a therapist' comments are incredibly tone deaf. Even after extensive therapy Christmas might still be a difficult time and not everyone loves loud boisterous family get togethers (especially when it's not their family).

If you didn't want to go because it's boring or the food isn't to your taste then of course you should make the effort. If however you find it genuinely distressing then no you shouldn't just dismiss your feelings to appease others. DP's family will have a lovely Christmas without you there so it's absolutely not worth having an awful two days and a long emotional hangover just to show your face for the sake of it.

LimeCheesecake · 19/12/2022 13:09

If you both drive (albeit with only one car), could you offer a compromise - you’ll go on Christmas Eve afternoon and spend Christmas Day with them too, then on Boxing Day leave early to go to see your sister (this can be a lie and you are just going home). On 28th or whenever he wants to come home, can he get a lift to the nearest big train station and you’ll pick him up at the other end (or maybe even drive the whole way to get him).

it’s a good compromise, he gets to do his crazy busy Christmas over days, but you have to only to go a small part of it.

if he won’t compromise, I’d question if it’s a good idea building a future with him.

LimeCheesecake · 19/12/2022 13:11

If you don’t drink, you could even leave on Christmas evening by yourself and say it’s because your sister wants to do a Boxing Day breakfast or something.

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 19/12/2022 13:11

You're being miserable and you know it. You're just trying to justify your behaviour with some platitudes from strangers to lesson your guilt. Everyone could agree with you on here. It means fuck all in the real world

No matter whatever reasonable solution is put to you, you'll find/invent a reason why it won't work for.

As for the autism diagnosis..... That's horseshit, you just can't be arsed. You've got no problem seeing them any other time. I think deep down you're just jealous his family are so close and it makes you feel shit about your own (whether that's justified or not).

EmmaDilemma5 · 19/12/2022 13:13

Unfortunately, it isn't all about you. Of course they'd like you to join them. Why don't you go for a few hours?

If you really can't bare it, then your partner still needs to go and I would suggest you meet with your MIL and explain why you can't go. Then at least she will know it's nothing personal.

She probably thinks you don't like them (which can't feel nice)

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:14

I am NOT a sociable person and tbh don't like most of dh's family but I do things like this because it's really rude and selfish not to imo. It's a couple of days.

I'm really sorry about your grandparents but I don't really see how it's relevant to this. My gran died on Christmas Day but it's not a reason to not make an effort.

RampantIvy · 19/12/2022 13:14

Why don't you go for a few hours?

Because they live two hours away.

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:15

Two hours isn't far. My family live more than that away and we've done visits for a day with kids in tow.

Allthingsbrightandugly · 19/12/2022 13:16

Just drive over you go and take the car then go back and pick your dh up after a few days.

But if you don’t want to compromise don’t; but don’t bother posting about it. Just do what you like

EmmaDilemma5 · 19/12/2022 13:16

RampantIvy · 19/12/2022 13:14

Why don't you go for a few hours?

Because they live two hours away.

And?

It's perfectly fine to leave home at 9am, getting there for 11am. Then leave at 1pm to get home for 3pm.

OP would still have the afternoon and evening to do whatever she wants.

She's being rude.

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 13:17

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 19/12/2022 13:11

You're being miserable and you know it. You're just trying to justify your behaviour with some platitudes from strangers to lesson your guilt. Everyone could agree with you on here. It means fuck all in the real world

No matter whatever reasonable solution is put to you, you'll find/invent a reason why it won't work for.

As for the autism diagnosis..... That's horseshit, you just can't be arsed. You've got no problem seeing them any other time. I think deep down you're just jealous his family are so close and it makes you feel shit about your own (whether that's justified or not).

The person who posted this message must be a genuinely deeply unpleasant person. I genuinely hope you're just a teenage troll as I can't actually imagine why a genuine person would right something so obviously insensitive and awful.

Even if OP just couldn't be arsed going. Who cares? If DP's family are so close and happy why on earth do they need OP there? Won't they have a lovely time without her?

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:17

FrangipaniBlue · 19/12/2022 13:06

Given that the OP has offered a compromise of just going for the day and coming home but that her DP has refused as he wants to go for a few days to appease his mum, then I don't think she is rude or BU at all.

Has she offered this?

gogohmm · 19/12/2022 13:20

Yabu, part of having a life partner is compromise. You have different upbringings, different past experiences and Christmas isn't your thing but is his so you need to make an effort for at least the main event.

I'm sure there's things in reverse that your dp puts up with.

Compromise is the secret of long relationships!

poefaced · 19/12/2022 13:21

I was going to suggest you try and go again and see if you enjoy it, OP, but after your update on how FIL talks about your shy and quiet 'sil' when she retreats to a bedroom, I think you have made the right decision for you.

RampantIvy · 19/12/2022 13:23

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:15

Two hours isn't far. My family live more than that away and we've done visits for a day with kids in tow.

Bully for you. I wouldn't want to spend 4+ hours driving on Christmas Day. Besides, the partner wants to stay with his family for a few days. I would be pretty pissed off if I went to visit my sister 4 hours away then nagged at to drive home the same day by DH.

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:24

@RampantIvy ok..... it's not 4 hours away though, also she doesn't need dh to leave with her.