To never go to my partner's for Christmas

[Volumous]

I've avoided going to DP's family Christmas for several years now, but his mum appears to be getting offended that I don't go, and keeps asking DP why or making little comments about it.

The reason why is that I find it extremely overwhelming and uncomfortable. They're a welcoming family and we all get on well, but I find it difficult. I don't have any warm, fuzzy, excited feelings towards Christmas because I grew up in a dysfunctional household where Christmas was mostly spent treading on eggshells. DPs family are very close, and on Xmas day there will be 10 members of extended family at his parents' house all day, followed by the same people and more over to his aunt's house on Boxing Day. Lots of competitive games involved, drinking, family banter, etc. I have to pretend to be happy and love Christmas for 2-3 days solid. It's probably weird I know, but I just don't like it. I don't drink, and just want to sit by the fire and read or paint and be quiet and cosy on my days off!

DP's parents are quite old fashioned and judgemental and believe people should be present for the sake of social etiquette. But aibu to not go?

Is it not worth trying? You might find you enjoy it!

All the “you might enjoy yourself” comments!
Every year I spend Boxing Day with my second husband’s family - 8 years now. I do it willingly, because I love him. I don’t even dislike any of them.
But the highlight - if you ask any of them - is how Nan always gets drunk and is then sooooooo funny…
Well, she’s not, actually.
I once asked my husband (gently, politely) why they all thought she was so funny… and he admitted she really isn’t any more.
So the highlight isn’t there.
They talk a lot about all the memories of previous Boxing Days - a lot board game based. I love board games! But none of them want to play them now, life moves on, the kids are all adults. So every bloody year I get to listen to them recollect tales of amazing days I wasn’t part of and certainly aren’t being repeated. I do suggest the games… but no-one wants to these days.
For an evening meal it’d be fine - for a full day, it’s dull as fuck. The grown up children are all on their phones to pass the time, but as an adult in my 50s that would be seen to be rude.
They’re all good people - but bottom line, they are someone else’s family.
Sometimes when you say you won’t enjoy it - it’s not cos you’re just not trying!

I was going to say YABU until I read that MIL has a meltdown if all her adult children aren’t there at Christmas for a two-day affair. What about all their partners’ wishes and families? I can’t stand that kind of family pressure and assumption no one else’s wishes matter. You’re at the stage in life now where people have their own Christmas plans.

DH and I alternate between seeing his parents and mine each year (swapping between Xmas day and Boxing Day), and one year we just wanted to be alone so did that.

Sometimes we host and sometimes parents do. However now we have a LO, from next year we will stay at home on Christmas Day and host people there if they want to see us, then go elsewhere on Boxing Day.

While I roll my eyes at your MIL, there has to be compromise for you though, so I would perhaps just go for one of the days. Or this year do DP’s family Xmas and next year he does it your way.

Unfortunately this would be frowned upon by his family. Eg. His brother's girlfriend is very shy and quiet and on a couple of times at family gatherings she has gone up to their bedroom with a 'headache' for a couple of hours. To which FIL has grumbled about her being an antisocial snowflake.

Do you drive and have access to a car? Could you call in for a mince pie or the lunch (have to get home for work overflowing etc). Or call in on Boxing Day?

My ex has a massive family and I understand why it might be overwhelming doing the full monty as it were.

@Merryclaire “While I roll my eyes at your MIL, there has to be compromise for you though, so I would perhaps just go for one of the days. Or this year do DP’s family Xmas and next year he does it your way.”

I always think compromise is best if it results in two happy people: not two people only happy half of the time! In that compromise, each party is unhappy every other year. I’m assuming the boyfriend would he unhappy if he likes his big family party. He may only be unhappy because he was getting it in the neck from him uncompromising and demanding mother! This couple already have a good compromise! He accepts that she doesn’t want to go, she accepts that she doesn’t stop him. Two happy people, every year. The only one unhappy is MIL - why do 2 people to compromise for 1 third person’s gain?!

If you are both happy with things as they are then that is fine. It won't stop his family thinking you don't like them though.
DH is very aloof with my family and they all think he doesn't like them, but he doesn't like gatherings of more than a handful of people. I think he is on the autism spectrum though as there are too many traits to ignore.

Life's too short to force yourself to do things to please other people! Good for you btw! You spend your time doing what makes you happy and what pleases you! I don't think I could cope with that much stimulation either. Your Christmas's sound absolutely perfect to me.

xxx

Do you find it overwhelming or can you just not be arsed?

It seem "overwhleming" is the new get out of jail free card on mumsnet, all you are doing is going to a persons house.

Compromise and go for Christmas Day. That celebration would be overwhelming for me as well. Not everyone is an extrovert.

Do think OP sounds determined not to enjoy Christmas.

Normally I’d say do what you like with most events, but here I think what’s happening is that you’re refusing to move forward into the future and away from past griefs, you’re refusing to integrate into his family, you’re sending the message that you’d prefer to be alone than become a real part of his family. I can see why she’s a bit offended, but she will also be sad for you that you’re doing this and suspicious that if you insist on refusing to integrate into his family, the relationship is not going anywhere.

I may of course be wrong 🤷‍♀️😬 but I think you need to move past what’s holding you back. Are you planning on children ever? If not, maybe it doesn’t matter so much, but if you are, you need to find a way to be positive about family festivals despite not having had a good childhood.

I think you should be able to do what you want. People choose to do all sorts over Christmas and this is what they're choosing because they enjoy it. You don't.
If you want to read or paint, then do that. The Christmas break is for you too.
There's so much pressure around Christmas time. Over the years I've reduced the pressure on myself.

If you're going to compromise at all then you could say you will go for a couple of hours or something and then leave. If they moan at that I just wouldn't bother.
Don't put yourself under pressure and sit in the discomfort for 3 days.
I would also not like that, it being so busy for days. I can just about manage a few hours with my own family. The noise and all that gets too overwhelming for me sometimes.

So now I'll spend a few hours with people but make sure I have time to do exactly what I want.

Don't forget yourself to spend your time in a way that you really don't want or enjoy.

Most people don't relish spending long periods of time with their in laws but do it because they love their partners and want them to be happy. So the question is: does you partner care?

If it was me I'd bite the bullet but see if I could just go for one night instead of three.

No one seems to have a sense of duty these days, especially towards family.

I have spent many hours over the years doing things with my husband’s family when I would l preferred to have been elsewhere but I married into the family and they are now my family so I don’t see it hurts to spend a little time with them.
A few hours over Christmas won’t kill anyone, just fit it into what’s convenient for you.

So there’s 2 of you who are the same - you and your BILs girlfriend- can you contact her in advance and make some plans? Is there a dog in the family that could need to be looked after and you two could go for long bracing quiet walks with it?! Or just get out for some fresh air together.

are there any board games you think you’d like and can you gift one to one of the family.

my dh struggles with big family get togethers and offers to help in the kitchen / clean up to avoid being with the group for a while. (You can drag Christmas lunch washing up to over an hour if you are determined!)

this year it’s just the 4 of us (5 including the dog), he’s very happy.

Yes me too. It would be hard to find anyone who didn’t have a relative die ‘around Christmas’. Old people die usually in the winter!
It’s one day, go and sit quietly, eat food and watch tv. Not like you have to toil down a salt mine for 24 hours.

I’d suck it up once in a while, not every year - a little give and take is reasonable. They could also not insist on your partner being with them every year. As could your partner tbh.

I honestly wouldn't mind going for just the day, having the meal, chatting, playing a board game, watching a film. But they live 2 hours away in quite a rural town that's difficult to access. We only have one car so I can't really just leave once we're there. DP likes to stay for a few days. My job isn't life or death and my office is always closed between Xmas and NY so I couldn't say I need to get back for work.

All the family live nearby so they're in and out all the time and there are often last minute 'oh let's nip to Auntie Jane's now for wine and a quiz' which then turns into the entire evening.

I didn't mention it but like someone else mentioned, I do suspect I'm on the autistic spectrum, my grandad was almost certainly autistic. Socialising and making sure I'm keeping to all the social rules takes up so much energy for me.

Op if you think you are on the autistic spectrum then get diagnosed. Surely that’ll be the ultimate get out of jail card?!

You don’t say how old you are but these gatherings won’t be forever. Life is so short. I don’t have any extended family left on my side and my dp family are so wrapped up in themselves and disjointed we’ve never had an invite and they’ve never been to us when we’ve asked. Gently - can you try to appreciate their generosity and their invitation to you?

You are me when I was married to my ex husband. While we were just dating, before we were married, it was fine, I wasn't actually invited to his parents for Christmas, which suited me fine. Spent quite a few on my own as I have no family in the UK.

When we married, I made it clear to my husband that I wouldn't be spending every Christmas with his family, just because I have no family - we'd alternate the years, like we would have done if my family were here. He was glad, because it meant we got to spend Christmas together, doing what we liked, every other year. The years we did spend with his family, I always used to leave a day or so early, because like you I found the constant influx of people got wearing after a couple of days. I was lucky that my husband's family understood and never took offense.

I'd hire a car for over the Christmas period, so you can get away if you need to.

Yabu and kind of rude but life is short and it's up to you how you want to spend your time. Most people can put aside their feelings for a day or two and know that for a partner sometimes you have to take one for the team. You don't want to so don't. However you shouldn't be surprised if they become distant or reluctant to invite you to family gatherings as you aren't demonstrating that you are a part of their family.

You make it sound very hopeless but if you live in the past you'll never move forward. You could go for a few hours (depending on distance), make your own way and drive yourself home, book a hotel if they live further away so you have somewhere to retreat to if it gets too much. It's maybe time to break the negative associations you have with Christmas and start making some positive ones.

YANBU. I was in a children’s home in my teens and Christmas was awful. I’m single now but when I’ve been in relationships I’ve always found this side of things difficult. When you don’t grow up in a stable home it can feel alien and overwhelming to be around a big family. I don’t think some PPs are able to grasp this.

Re autism @Volumous

Socialising and making sure I'm keeping to all the social rules takes up so much energy for me.

This could equally be a consequence of growing up in a dysfunctional environment where you were ‘treading on eggshells’. It would be totally understandable to find socialising exhausting when you’ve grown up with people who have dysfunctional social skills. I also find socialising exhausting and anxiety-provoking and avoid it as much as possible. I’m not autistic, it’s a consequence of a difficult childhood spent with people who didn’t provide me with a blueprint for healthy, happy relationships.

Do whatever you need to for Christmas Day.

Do you drive, or just DP? If you can drive, go for Christmas day, then leave DP there and go do your own thing. If you need to, say that you're seeing your sister/an old friend who is back in the country on Boxing Day. You can go and pick DP up in a few days, or maybe there will be trains at some point.
If you don't drive, it's trickier...

If you can bear it, you could go, and do the Christmas day.

Devise a survival strategy with the other brother's partner who also finds the chaos too much. Buddy up with her - making breakfast, snacks etc., quietly washing dishes, walking the dog, anything really to minimise being involved in the main hub of the chaos.

Take the car on Boxing Day to allow you to 'visit your sister' (whether you do this or not is immaterial) and pick your partner up a few days later when he's ready to come home.

If you can't bear even that, then do as you please. It's really a form of discrimination against introverts all this pressure around Christmas. People who insist 'you'll enjoy it!' wouldn't dare insist a gay person have hetreosexual sex because 'you'll enjoy it' etc. etc.