To never go to my partner's for Christmas

[Volumous]

I've avoided going to DP's family Christmas for several years now, but his mum appears to be getting offended that I don't go, and keeps asking DP why or making little comments about it.

The reason why is that I find it extremely overwhelming and uncomfortable. They're a welcoming family and we all get on well, but I find it difficult. I don't have any warm, fuzzy, excited feelings towards Christmas because I grew up in a dysfunctional household where Christmas was mostly spent treading on eggshells. DPs family are very close, and on Xmas day there will be 10 members of extended family at his parents' house all day, followed by the same people and more over to his aunt's house on Boxing Day. Lots of competitive games involved, drinking, family banter, etc. I have to pretend to be happy and love Christmas for 2-3 days solid. It's probably weird I know, but I just don't like it. I don't drink, and just want to sit by the fire and read or paint and be quiet and cosy on my days off!

DP's parents are quite old fashioned and judgemental and believe people should be present for the sake of social etiquette. But aibu to not go?

Maybe there’s a compromise to be had. You could spend one day there then go back home and DP can stay behind. He could get a train home, lift from someone to the station perhaps? Not sure but I don’t think you’re wrong for not wanting to spend three days with them personally. One day is ok but three is a bit much.

If your partner doesn't care (and you suggest he doesn't), then it's a non-issue.

If he did care then your mileage will vary: I'd say going for a night every few years is a totally reasonable request on his part, and making excuses about transport is just that: excuses.

And Rampant said it was 2 hours repeatedly.

You are just being argumentative.

If your partner doesn't mind, I wouldn't sweat it too much. Just don't go.

Ok @poefaced ok

YADNBU. You do what you want for Christmas and so can they. You're under no obligation to go anywhere.

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YANBU to not enjoy big loud social gatherings. However, I can imagine the in-laws being offended if it feels like you don’t like them. All you can do is explain that you find those types gatherings uncomfortable and if they are too insensitive to get it then that’s in them.

Just because alot of people end up doing things on Christmas day out of duty doesn't mean you have to. Life is short, you do what you want on Christmas day, the day sounds hellish to be honest.

I think you should make a big effort and go with your partner for lunch. Then you leave, spend time alone, and return for him when he wants. Yes, a lot of driving, but that's the cost to be paid.

Op I understand all the reasons you don't want to go, but I still think you should. I don't think it's healthy to dig in and hold onto memories like this and be negative.
Maybe you will learn to enjoy Xmas because of his family. It sounds lovely to me.
Life is too short to be inflexible, keeping the younger mindset is to keep trying new things and pushing ourselves outside our boundaries.
So I would try at least two more for everyone sake and after that if you don't like it. Don't go

I will maybe try to explain to them.

In fact, I honestly don't see why anyone would be offended that their son's partner isn't going to theirs for Christmas. Surely it's one less person to feed and worry about?

People's minds aren't that ultilitarian.

But again, does your partner actually care about any of this? If not, then there's no issue.

To go because of a social obligation to 2 days if family togetherness, no unreasonable at all.

To pop over for a couple of hours because you love your partner, worth a try. Especially if children are in your future.

OP, you see them regularly during the year but don't wish to do Christmas.

YANBU.

They are.

It reads as if it is all on their terms.

His mother would have a fit if he didn't return?

They sound extremely demanding, particularly if one can't even retreat to a bedroom without it being frowned upon.

Sounds to me they will bitch either way.

Don't go, suit yourself.

Perhaps if his family weren't so demanding you might be more inclined.

You are in mourning for your grandparents and have every right to choose how you spend Christmas.

Let your partner off and don't accept an ounce of guff from him about it.

If he tries to guilt you, have a good hard think about this relationship.

You are happy to see him off for a few days, he should be grateful for that.

He needs to tell his parents pipe down, they sound like entitled PITA's.

Oh and being the only non drinker around 10 drinkers who are enjoying having a few with each other would be my idea of hell for 3 days.

My dil, pre-marriage, told my son she would always spend Christmas with her family.

Eleven years later, she has held on to that statement.
I understand her reasoning; Christmas day is spent with 15-20 extroverted family members, and is repeated on Boxing day. Who wouldn't prefer that to spending the day with us, two non-drinking introverts?
For the first couple of years my son came to us alone, but I think his place is with her as they are a couple, and now have a daughter, so are their own little family.
It still hurts though

And no we won't be having kids, so not an issue there.

You sound lovely.

I would much rather spend Christmas with you and 15-20 extroverts, each to their own.

My husband and I went to our separate family until we married and then we did our own thing.

I hope I will be understanding if my children decide to do their own thing.

I am very much a it is only one day person.

I love Boxing day as the whole Palaver is over for another year🤷🏻‍♀️, can't help it, my husband feels the same, even though we have always had a lovely day.🤷🏻‍♀️

Which just goes to show that different people like different things. DH and I used to alternate spending Christmas with each family until DD was born then we did our own thing.

Surprised and disappointed that the OP's had a bit of a kicking.

There was a recent thread where another OP's partner didn't want to go to her family for Xmas because he had bad memories of it, including grieving for his own family. I thought he should be allowed to have the quiet Xmas by himself he obviously wanted and needed - someone else's large, jolly family is the last thing you want when you just need to be sad and thoughtful for a bit.

And OP certainly shouldn't be expected to endure it for 2-3 days! She finds it overwhelming and for now, Xmas is also a time for her to grieve. It doesn't sound like her partner's family will let her have any quiet moments to herself if she goes. And her partner isn't pressuring her to go.

So OP - really, really, don't feel ike you have to suck it up. Don't go this year. Have the quiet, cosy time to yourself that you need.

Maybe you could say that you intend to make it in the future, to show willing, but don't feel you have to do this.

There will be so many more ways to make friends and bond with your partner's family.

@gannett

I'm not at all surprised the OP has received a kicking.

It's always what happens when an introvert pops their head above the parapet, either on here or in the real world.

Extroverts tend to assume their way is the only way for anything.

For most introverts, the extroverts' normal is akin to hell.

Yet extroverts still bang on about what's acceptable / expected of everyone irrespective of the fundamental nature of an individual.

I've never in all my gazillion years on earth, encountered an introverted bully. Hundreds of extroverts, yep, but never an introvert. And, yes, I consider extroverts' demands/expectations of introverts to be bullying.

Extroverts tend to assume their way is the only way for anything.

Please can you rehrase that to some extroverts tend to assume their way is the only way for anything. It cuts both ways.

DH is very much an introvert. I like seeing people and being with them. I'm sad that I have only once seen my family at Christmas in recent years because DH is such an introvert and so he always gets the Christmas he wants, whereas DD and I like to visit family. Our Christmasses are always quiet and boring because we always do what DH wants to do - not see anyone, not socialise. By the end of the Christmas break I am climbing the walls with boredom.

We live 4 hours away from my sister so it isn't doable in a day trip. So some introverts assume that their way is the only way.

@RampantIvy

No, I cannot rephrase as you wish.

I could, though, compromise and agree almost all extroverts tend to assume their way is the only way.

It's certainly way more than 'some' in my extensive experience.

The number of extroverts I've met who can genuinely understand, rather than merely tolerate, or even restent, introverts' needs/desires is very, very small. Mostly, though, introverts are subjected to cajoling, intense 'persuasion' they will, in fact 'enjoy' it because 'everyone does', or downright demands to participate via emotional blackmail and/or bullying.

In your husband's position, I and every introvert I know, would actively encourage you to visit your sister/family for a few days and reassure you we would be absolutely fine on our own with our own space, timetable and company. We do that because the vast majority of us understand extroverts' needs are very different to ours.

Yes this! Extroverts seem disgusted when introverts don't want to partake in all the fanfare they want. But we have to suck it up and accommodate their needs constantly.