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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To never go to my partner's for Christmas

128 replies

Volumous · 19/12/2022 00:07

I've avoided going to DP's family Christmas for several years now, but his mum appears to be getting offended that I don't go, and keeps asking DP why or making little comments about it.

The reason why is that I find it extremely overwhelming and uncomfortable. They're a welcoming family and we all get on well, but I find it difficult. I don't have any warm, fuzzy, excited feelings towards Christmas because I grew up in a dysfunctional household where Christmas was mostly spent treading on eggshells. DPs family are very close, and on Xmas day there will be 10 members of extended family at his parents' house all day, followed by the same people and more over to his aunt's house on Boxing Day. Lots of competitive games involved, drinking, family banter, etc. I have to pretend to be happy and love Christmas for 2-3 days solid. It's probably weird I know, but I just don't like it. I don't drink, and just want to sit by the fire and read or paint and be quiet and cosy on my days off!

DP's parents are quite old fashioned and judgemental and believe people should be present for the sake of social etiquette. But aibu to not go?

OP posts:
Honeyroar · 19/12/2022 13:28

ILoveCreamCrackersMe · 19/12/2022 13:11

You're being miserable and you know it. You're just trying to justify your behaviour with some platitudes from strangers to lesson your guilt. Everyone could agree with you on here. It means fuck all in the real world

No matter whatever reasonable solution is put to you, you'll find/invent a reason why it won't work for.

As for the autism diagnosis..... That's horseshit, you just can't be arsed. You've got no problem seeing them any other time. I think deep down you're just jealous his family are so close and it makes you feel shit about your own (whether that's justified or not).

Some people just can’t see things from anyone else’s perspectives! I think my sister in law would say this about me, because after several years of going, I’ve had enough of the enforced joviality and obligatory games and everyone getting pissed and loud. It’s really not me. They all love it, great! They can still do it without me. And my husband is bored of it all too. We have our own tiny Xmas at home, chilled and relaxed. We’ve used my elderly parents as an excuse, but sil has started doing another meal on Boxing Day or the 27th so we can go! It’s too much. Personally I find Xmas quite an upsetting time. So I can see where you’re coming from OP, and it sounds like your brother in law’s girlfriend can too!

FuckFuckGo · 19/12/2022 13:28

When did Mumsnet become such an unkind place?

CornedBeef451 · 19/12/2022 13:34

I'd probably just avoid the whole thing!

I suppose you could go for half a day if you felt like supporting your husband (if he's bothered) and then just leave him there but honestly it's probably easier just not to go.

poefaced · 19/12/2022 13:35

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:24

@RampantIvy ok..... it's not 4 hours away though, also she doesn't need dh to leave with her.

2 + 2 = 4 hours

And did you miss the bit where they have one car and PIL live in a very rural location?

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 13:36

FuckFuckGo · 19/12/2022 13:28

When did Mumsnet become such an unkind place?

This. Some of these replies are absolutely bitter and awful.

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:37

@poefaced did you miss the bit where pp said 4 hours away and then being nagged to drive back. It's not 4 hours away and surely there's nothing to stop OP driving back on her own in their one car. I'm sure dp can find his way back via train / family / she can pick him up.

Notonthestairs · 19/12/2022 13:40

Presumably partner can drive there and Op can drive home. So only 2 hours at the wheel.

poefaced · 19/12/2022 13:41

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:37

@poefaced did you miss the bit where pp said 4 hours away and then being nagged to drive back. It's not 4 hours away and surely there's nothing to stop OP driving back on her own in their one car. I'm sure dp can find his way back via train / family / she can pick him up.

She didn't say it was 4 hours away. She said

"But they live 2 hours away in quite a rural town that's difficult to access"

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:43

@poefaced not sure if you're deliberately misunderstanding me. I was replying to ANOTHER POSTER who said they'd be annoyed if they drove 4 hours to their sister and was nagged to drive back the same day. My point was that OP's in laws are NOT 4 hours away and OP could drive home alone.

RampantIvy · 19/12/2022 13:43

But the partner wants to stay for more than one day, and the OP doesn't @Notonthestairs. Two hours each way is still four hours in the car.

The OP and her partner enjoy different Christmases, and if they are both happy with the current situation then why should they change it?

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 13:47

Oh come on. What the hell is the point of OP spending 4 hours in the car on Christmas day to sit in a room for two hours with people who will still be annoyed she's leaving early. Then she'd have to drive back and pick up her DP in a day or two. It's very very obvious that makes no sense. We're not talking about visiting a lonely family member here who desperately wants to enjoy OP's company. We're talking about a huge fanily gathering that can go on perfectly well without OP driving back and forth for hours on end. They only want her there because they feel affronted that OP doesn't enjoy the same kind of Christmas they do. They don't want her there because they genuinely love her and want to share their joy with her.

Var57 · 19/12/2022 14:07

This reply has been withdrawn

This message has been withdrawn at the poster's request

LlynTegid · 19/12/2022 14:10

I don't see anywhere that the DP has had any conversation with his parents about why the OP does not want to be there. The bereavement in 2020 could be enough to explain, even without the bad childhood Christmases.

The only one that I think could be reasonable and possibly work would be for the OP and DP to travel there Christmas morning, the DP remain there for a few days, but the OP return home on Christmas afternoon, collecting the DP a few days later.

Original poster
Volumous · 19/12/2022 14:31

Thank you @RegularNameChangerVersion21 I think a lot of people posting probably don't understand. And that's fine, it's difficult to explain circumstances on a forum. I'm just very sensitive and lots of people and noise for extended periods of time is unsettling. And yes I suppose I'm also always on edge about keeping people happy and doing the right things.

I have been to therapy over the years and found it mildly helpful, but I don't have the means to go regularly unfortunately.

OP posts:
Thecrackineverything · 19/12/2022 14:36

I can really relate. Stick to your guns and do Christmas on your own terms. There's so much emotional bullshit associated with this time of year. It's hideous.

Original poster
Volumous · 19/12/2022 14:38

RegularNameChangerVersion21 · 19/12/2022 13:47

Oh come on. What the hell is the point of OP spending 4 hours in the car on Christmas day to sit in a room for two hours with people who will still be annoyed she's leaving early. Then she'd have to drive back and pick up her DP in a day or two. It's very very obvious that makes no sense. We're not talking about visiting a lonely family member here who desperately wants to enjoy OP's company. We're talking about a huge fanily gathering that can go on perfectly well without OP driving back and forth for hours on end. They only want her there because they feel affronted that OP doesn't enjoy the same kind of Christmas they do. They don't want her there because they genuinely love her and want to share their joy with her.

This exactly. His family is very easily affronted by other people's behaviour that doesn't fit their values/norms. Which is also like my family. You can't win whatever you do.

OP posts:
Thecrackineverything · 19/12/2022 14:38

Christmas bullying is real and being demonstrated here in this thread.

Scurryfunge12 · 19/12/2022 14:57

Why don’t you just tell her why, or why doesn’t your DP explain?

I’m not surprised she is wondering but I don’t understand why nobody has told her.

I would probably compromise and go every other year, or just have dinner and a couple of games together and then go home, but they can’t make you do something you are uncomfortable with.

Inkyblue123 · 19/12/2022 15:01

Could you not compromise? Either Xmas day or Boxing Day with the in-laws. Or every other year?

FrangipaniBlue · 19/12/2022 15:16

@thaegumathteth she literally said at 10:27....

I honestly wouldn't mind going for just the day, having the meal, chatting, playing a board game, watching a film. But they live 2 hours away in quite a rural town that's difficult to access. We only have one car so I can't really just leave once we're there. DP likes to stay for a few days.

I mean, she hasn't explicitly said she's offered but the fact she says "DP likes to stay for a few days" suggests that they have at least had that conversation!!!

@Volumous I think in your shoes I might offer to drive there Christmas Eve and drive home Christmas Day early evening. If your DP still says no then just do you and stay home.

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 15:17

FrangipaniBlue · 19/12/2022 15:16

@thaegumathteth she literally said at 10:27....

I honestly wouldn't mind going for just the day, having the meal, chatting, playing a board game, watching a film. But they live 2 hours away in quite a rural town that's difficult to access. We only have one car so I can't really just leave once we're there. DP likes to stay for a few days.

I mean, she hasn't explicitly said she's offered but the fact she says "DP likes to stay for a few days" suggests that they have at least had that conversation!!!

@Volumous I think in your shoes I might offer to drive there Christmas Eve and drive home Christmas Day early evening. If your DP still says no then just do you and stay home.

Yeah exactly. I think this is her internal monologue.

FrangipaniBlue · 19/12/2022 15:17

Also, your DP needs to explain to his family what is happening and why. It's not on you to appease HIS family.

Sunnytwobridges · 19/12/2022 16:09

Honestly I get it. I hate Xmas. I haven't enjoyed it in a couple of decades. However, if I had a partner I would push thru it, at least find a compromise, where I would spend a few hours with my partner's family at least. I'm good at masking, so it's something I would do if I really love someone.

averythinline · 19/12/2022 16:17

you really don't have to go..... all this guilt laying make an effort stuff is unnecessary..
its only once a year ...as you say you see them other times ...

poefaced · 19/12/2022 16:29

thaegumathteth · 19/12/2022 13:43

@poefaced not sure if you're deliberately misunderstanding me. I was replying to ANOTHER POSTER who said they'd be annoyed if they drove 4 hours to their sister and was nagged to drive back the same day. My point was that OP's in laws are NOT 4 hours away and OP could drive home alone.

Except she didn’t say it was 4 hours away either 🙄. She said it’s 4+ hours driving.

”I wouldn't want to spend 4+ hours driving on Christmas Day.”

You have a real comprehension issue, @thaegumathteth