Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a stranger at Christmas?

816 replies

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 22:15

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:14

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 23:07

Why wouldn't he be happy to come for lunch if he's been invited?

Show quote history

Because he hasn’t been invited 😂

lavenderlove · 18/12/2022 23:14

Could this be his partner but he hasn't told you officially yet?

Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 23:15

lavenderlove · 18/12/2022 23:14

Could this be his partner but he hasn't told you officially yet?

It could be but I think his girlfriend wouldn’t be very happy about it

OP posts:
SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 23:15

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:13

Good to hear under 4’s are NEVER uncomfortable around strangers but do want to sit on their lap (WTF?).

Must have been a parenting fail of mine when my young mixed race DC were uncomfortable having to hear a racist rant of a stranger round the dinner table that time. Because it never happens…so maybe we imagined it?

Show quote history

FGS, if OP thinks her brother would bring someone prone to racist rants to lunch of course she must say know, but I'd assume if that were the case brother wouldn't be welcome either.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:16

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:10

I’m equally worried about your hysteria and paranoia that there is a paedophile round every corner. You are both as bonkers as each other.

Show quote history

I’d rather think there’s a pedophile round every corner than think it normal for my kids to want to sit on a stranger’s lap.

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:16

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:14

Because he hasn’t been invited 😂

Show quote history

Well he has, just not by the actual host. I don’t think the friend has done anything wrong, nor has the OP, it’s her brother who is the unreasonable one!

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:16

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

Fomn · 18/12/2022 23:16

How well did all of your family know your now DH (or any previous partners) the first time they included him in a family occasion for your benefit? Does your DB also have a partner coming?

Unless your DH wasn't invited to any family birthdays/Christmases etc until all your family had lots of other opportunities to spend time with him, they all included what was to them a stranger in their celebrations. Now it's time for you to return the welcome to their guest. Whether or not he's shagging the guest I don't think makes a difference, it's a relative stranger you/ your DB wanted invited.

Of course, if you WERE told not to attend family gatherings if you wanted to bring your partner until everyone already knew him well, your response is completely justified.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:16

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 23:10

Well you'd have to really hate your brother to assume his friend would be one of them. I'd trust my brother not to want to bring someone obnoxious into my home (or his).

Show quote history

Why would I hate my brother if i recognised he has shitty taste in humans?

EhLov · 18/12/2022 23:16

I don't understand. If Xmas matters to this pal enough to wish to spend it with people, then why did he choose to come stay over Xmas, without having somewhere to spend it?

But yeah also it's more the dynamics with the kids that would make me decline.

Kids of that age are often shy around strangers, and I wouldn't want them feeling shy in their own home on Christmas day. It would change the dynamics away from hanging out with baby sibling and uncle and grandma.

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 23:16

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:14

Because he hasn’t been invited 😂

Show quote history

Yes, but he probably doesn't know that. He does (or will) have an invitation, from DB.

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:17

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/12/2022 22:22

So some of you on here are completely fine with inviting a complete stranger over into your home with young children when you know zero about them.....yeah, of course you are 🤨🤨🤨🤨

On the merit of my brother? - absolutely! This isn’t a random drunken meet cute from the tube station.

I’ve got 2 ds one a 6 mo, if my bro was sat it bid I’d say wow turn out for the books but can’t wait to meet them. Why does everything have to be so sinister!? How would anyone become a friend without first being a stranger!?

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:17

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:10

I’m equally worried about your hysteria and paranoia that there is a paedophile round every corner. You are both as bonkers as each other.

Show quote history

Good for you, am I bringing a bit of excitement into your mundane evening, you're welcome btw 😜😂

Mumsanetta · 18/12/2022 23:17

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 23:10

Well you'd have to really hate your brother to assume his friend would be one of them. I'd trust my brother not to want to bring someone obnoxious into my home (or his).

Show quote history

@SnowStupid oh FGS. We get it. You love last minute and uninvited strangers in your home on Christmas Day. Why doesn’t this uninvited guest join you for Christmas and then everyone will be happy.

Zanatdy · 18/12/2022 23:18

We had a stranger one year, 2wks after my dad died. SIL’s brother was on his own, so we invited him over. It meant we didn’t have the empty chair which was nice. It was fine, we enjoyed teaching him about U.K. traditions

Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 23:18

Fomn · 18/12/2022 23:16

How well did all of your family know your now DH (or any previous partners) the first time they included him in a family occasion for your benefit? Does your DB also have a partner coming?

Unless your DH wasn't invited to any family birthdays/Christmases etc until all your family had lots of other opportunities to spend time with him, they all included what was to them a stranger in their celebrations. Now it's time for you to return the welcome to their guest. Whether or not he's shagging the guest I don't think makes a difference, it's a relative stranger you/ your DB wanted invited.

Of course, if you WERE told not to attend family gatherings if you wanted to bring your partner until everyone already knew him well, your response is completely justified.

Is a friend from the other side of the world I will never see again the same as a partner who could be around forever?

OP posts:
Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:18

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:16

I’d rather think there’s a pedophile round every corner than think it normal for my kids to want to sit on a stranger’s lap.

Show quote history

I said they were both nuts, I don’t want my child sitting on strangers, laps nor do I think every male is a paedo. Although I wonder if Daffodils kids sat on a Father Christmas’ lap this Christmas?

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:18

PS I could easily change my mind and argue for the opposite side

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:19

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:19

lightisnotwhite · 18/12/2022 23:14

It’s the Ops house though.
She can cook, not cook, breastfeed, whatever she wants. Her house her rules.Why would she feel uncomfortable as a host in her own home? No one is putting her into discomfort except herself.

Show quote history

Because she has a stranger there she doesn’t know or want around.

stopthebarking · 18/12/2022 23:19

I prefer Christmas to be with family/partners only, so I'd resent being guilted into inviting a stranger, even leaving aside the factors of the young children and the breastfeeding.

Your brother is an adult. He can figure out a way to feed his friend and will simply miss out on Christmas at yours, this year. Life does go on.

Original poster
Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 23:20

EhLov · 18/12/2022 23:16

I don't understand. If Xmas matters to this pal enough to wish to spend it with people, then why did he choose to come stay over Xmas, without having somewhere to spend it?

But yeah also it's more the dynamics with the kids that would make me decline.

Kids of that age are often shy around strangers, and I wouldn't want them feeling shy in their own home on Christmas day. It would change the dynamics away from hanging out with baby sibling and uncle and grandma.

I think also because the friend is the guest/only non family it would make him the focus of the day, rather than the children.

OP posts:
Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:20

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:18

I said they were both nuts, I don’t want my child sitting on strangers, laps nor do I think every male is a paedo. Although I wonder if Daffodils kids sat on a Father Christmas’ lap this Christmas?

Show quote history

Ha ha, my sons are all over 6ft, so I'm sure Santa may have something to say

marvellousmaple · 18/12/2022 23:20

Some of you lot are crazy.
Have none you ever had a friend of your older children over for dinner or lunch just in case they are a paedophile? Or a colleague of your husbands? Not allowed without a police check. Or your friends new partner? Barred at the door as there are children in the house. What an insane way to live.
In answer to the question - yes OP if my uni student DS asked to bring a friend to Christmas of course I would say yes. And I have a primary schooler here. The shock! The horror!

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:20

SnowStupid · 18/12/2022 23:15

FGS, if OP thinks her brother would bring someone prone to racist rants to lunch of course she must say know, but I'd assume if that were the case brother wouldn't be welcome either.

Show quote history

She’s already said he’s a tool who surrounds himself with dodgy characters who takes drugs. Would you trust someone like that?

Fun ily enough I went to my friends trusting their judgement that they wouldn’t have a racist in their house, but lo and behold they did!