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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a stranger at Christmas?

816 replies

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 22:15

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

OP posts:
EL8888 · 18/12/2022 23:21

poefaced · 18/12/2022 22:18

YANBU. It’s funny all these men who want to be kind to their mates always expect a woman in their life to do all the hosting and provide the free food and drink.

Well done and stick to your guns.

This. I haven’t seen a thread yet where a woman is wanting to land extra random people on a male relative

Stick to your guns. He invited the guest = he can host him for Christmas

Pinkespressomachine · 18/12/2022 23:21

Nana4 · 18/12/2022 23:08

Some of the replies on here are so sad, my mum passed away last week and we were only reminiscing yesterday about the year my sister rang from the pub, half an hour or so before dinner, to ask if she could fit another person at the table.
A friend had turned up and would be alone with no dinner etc.
mum just said bring him with you, found another plate to warm and told us to rearrange the table. It was already set for 14 including our young children so another body wouldn’t make any difference. The hardest part was finding a seat for him.
I really miss my mum

I think you’ve given the most lovely response here @Nana4 your mum was clearly a star.

Fenella123 · 18/12/2022 23:22

YANBU OP - the devil is in the details.
You'll have enough on your plate, sounds like he should host his friend and maybe your Mum too, and perhaps pop round for an hour at teatime to say hi. It'll be character building for your DB. Who are you to stand in the way of that valuable experience;) !!

Youdoyoubabe · 18/12/2022 23:22

I would invite the friend. That is kind of the spirit of Christmas. It's up to you though, your house. Just say to brother to pop in for a drink instead maybe.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:22

Fomn · 18/12/2022 23:16

How well did all of your family know your now DH (or any previous partners) the first time they included him in a family occasion for your benefit? Does your DB also have a partner coming?

Unless your DH wasn't invited to any family birthdays/Christmases etc until all your family had lots of other opportunities to spend time with him, they all included what was to them a stranger in their celebrations. Now it's time for you to return the welcome to their guest. Whether or not he's shagging the guest I don't think makes a difference, it's a relative stranger you/ your DB wanted invited.

Of course, if you WERE told not to attend family gatherings if you wanted to bring your partner until everyone already knew him well, your response is completely justified.

It really isn’t the same.

If a couple are serious enough to do family Christmases, that’s a potential life long family connection.

Not some bloke from the other side of the world who actively went on holiday during Christmas

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:22

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 23:20

I think also because the friend is the guest/only non family it would make him the focus of the day, rather than the children.

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Come on now, you don’t have to invite him but some of the reasons are getting silly.

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:22

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 23:20

I think also because the friend is the guest/only non family it would make him the focus of the day, rather than the children.

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Don’t be so precious! Ffs!

they aren’t a stranger! They are a friend of your brothers. You made it sound like some random was asking to join you for Christmas!

the amount of friends I’ve made via other people and then become organically friends with them is in abundance - it’s snobby and short sighted to think otherwise.

Teenagehorrorbag · 18/12/2022 23:22

DuplicateUserName · 18/12/2022 22:27

Yes absolutely!

But as you clearly find it difficult to believe for some strange reason, I'm going to add that I didn't throw my children at said strangers or lock them in a room together 🤔

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Totally agree. He's DB's pal, why wouldn't you?

FaazoHuyzeoSix · 18/12/2022 23:23

you are perfectly entitled to decide for yourself who to invite to your home. some people are ok with hosting random strangers, others are not. whilst I have admiration for those who can be unstintingly generous with their hospitality to unknown waifs and strays, it's no shame to not be in that category. having young children and a new baby gives you ample reason to not have the necessary level of relaxedness for such an adventure.

your db can step up and host his friend, and see you on a different day, and you can host in your home those who you feel comfortable hosting.

Fomn · 18/12/2022 23:23

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 23:18

Is a friend from the other side of the world I will never see again the same as a partner who could be around forever?

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The friend from the other side of the world could immigrate or even just be a lifelong good friend to your DB. You could have split up with your partner the next day.

Yes it's the same thing to the other guests (except a friend guest is less likely than a new partner to make everyone else uncomfortable with PDAs).

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:24

Teenagehorrorbag · 18/12/2022 23:22

Totally agree. He's DB's pal, why wouldn't you?

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Because you don't want too?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:24

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:18

I said they were both nuts, I don’t want my child sitting on strangers, laps nor do I think every male is a paedo. Although I wonder if Daffodils kids sat on a Father Christmas’ lap this Christmas?

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I do t think any children have sat on Santa’s lap for a good decade or so

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:24

*DON’T think

NaturalBae · 18/12/2022 23:25

I’m with @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet 🤣

We wouldn’t feel comfortable with a random stranger in our house and around our children either, especially on Christmas Day. It’s not a quick pop in visit on their way to somewhere else. Or a Plumber attending to fix the boiler.

OP - You do NOT have to do anything that makes you uncomfortable. Some people don’t want strangers in their home. End of.

Are pp not aware of Safeguarding?
You don’t have random people in your home for an extended period of time around children, esp. young children. And definitely not, if the thought of it happening makes you feel uncomfortable in your own home.

He’s your Brother’s guest not yours. Your Brother invited himself this year and now he’s hounding you to also host his friend who you’ve never met. Your Brother can host his friend at his own home on Christmas Day. Your Brother knew it was Christmas when he agreed for his friend to stay with him. Not your problem.

All pp who would be happy with this - should be signing up ASAP to have at least one extra random person (homeless person/refugee/lonely neighbour, etc) round for Christmas.

Givemethereins · 18/12/2022 23:25

Tothemoonandbackx · 18/12/2022 22:22

So some of you on here are completely fine with inviting a complete stranger over into your home with young children when you know zero about them.....yeah, of course you are 🤨🤨🤨🤨

What's the issue here? Are you thinking the op is going to leave this person alone with the kids in a room for hours? This guest won't be leaving anyone sight for the whole day, except for bathroom. What in your imagination could go wrong?
This sounds abit cynical and never mind that the brother is vouching for him.

ShoveAHollySprigUpYourBum · 18/12/2022 23:25

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:22

Come on now, you don’t have to invite him but some of the reasons are getting silly.

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Absolutely.

marvellousmaple · 18/12/2022 23:25

I missed the dripfeed about the dodgy characters.

ANyway, you guys would be in shock that at one of my sons 21st's we had 68 people stay the night. We live on acreage so there were people in tents , people on the floor, people in their cars. I probably knew about half of them by name.

Is it because it's Christmas that people won't let a friend of their immediate family darken their doorstep?
Genuinely perplexed.

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:25

I’m having some work done on my house in January. Must remember to make sure they are all DBS checked in case they come within 3 meters of my child 🙄🙄🙄

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:25

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:24

I do t think any children have sat on Santa’s lap for a good decade or so

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I may have though

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:27

marvellousmaple · 18/12/2022 23:25

I missed the dripfeed about the dodgy characters.

ANyway, you guys would be in shock that at one of my sons 21st's we had 68 people stay the night. We live on acreage so there were people in tents , people on the floor, people in their cars. I probably knew about half of them by name.

Is it because it's Christmas that people won't let a friend of their immediate family darken their doorstep?
Genuinely perplexed.

May I come to your next party please! I’ll bring my own tent and leave quietly. 😬

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:27

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:24

I do t think any children have sat on Santa’s lap for a good decade or so

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Well you are wrong. Lots of them at my local garden centre. Not DS though because it’s weird.

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:28

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:25

I’m having some work done on my house in January. Must remember to make sure they are all DBS checked in case they come within 3 meters of my child 🙄🙄🙄

At least 5 metres

OnTheRunWithMannyMontana · 18/12/2022 23:28

Xiaoxiong · 18/12/2022 22:40

Like @whatkatydid2013 I would also be more than ok with this, in my family we always have the empty chair to accommodate a wandering stranger and would tell the children that the stranger might be an angel in disguise. Always made more than enough food in case someone brought a friend or relative or just a random lonely person.

I know this isn't British culture though so it's not for me to tell you what to do on this. It is a lovely thing to do though and you might make a new friend.

I love this ❤️

Spambod · 18/12/2022 23:28

Liz1tummypain · 18/12/2022 22:26

I think the general rule is to do unto others as you' d want them to do to you.

Is this directed at the brother of the op or is this rule just for breastfeeding women with two other small children to care for as well?

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/12/2022 23:28

I saw the other thread and was minded to get an opinion on my own situation. If you are accusing me of being a troll then by all means report - I’ve been a poster here for many, MANY years!

I wasn't, as it happens. My comment is made entirely at face value: an observation on the frequent brass neck of men thinking it's open season to invite who they want to other people's homes, women as ever bearing the load of the work and expense.

The continued pressure when they hear 'no' is also an interesting feature of that sense of entitlement, as are the numerous women telling other women they are being 'dicks', or accusing them of the everlasting 'S' word.

No wonder the patriarchy's thriving with women as well as men so willing to do their dirty work and nominate other women for the same dubious privilege.

I swear that in the past decade we've gone 50 years backward.