To not want a stranger at Christmas?

[Oneeyedreindeer]

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

I have to say my favourite part was your incredulity that the friend would book a holiday knowing full well it was CHRISTMAS, despite him coming from a country that doesn’t particularly celebrate it.

I’m pretty sure it’s quite well known that Christmas is a big event in Britain though, right? And if you’re thinking of visiting a country for an entire month, it’s the kind of thing you might check out first?

The thread is batshit, alright.

This is one hell of a level of over-investment in what a complete stranger does on Christmas day in her own home, in a manner that's not affecting anyone else in the slightest. Not least involving a guest who isn't 'going to be on his own on Christmas Day' because most eastern spiritual traditions don't celebrate Christmas in the first place.

Cuckoo!

WTAF? Please tell me that isn't a serious suggestion, she doesn't run a sodding takeaway! It's bad enough he invited himself round to OPs on Christmas Day and then tried to add a random, but to expect to take over OPs house like two overgrown teenagers for the day is not on.

If her brother would like to spend all day gaming with his mate, he can stay at his house and sort his own bloody food out.

Since when did people become such doormats?

If her brother would like to spend all day gaming with his mate, he can stay at his house and sort his own bloody food out.

Since when did people become such doormats?

I'd take an educated guess in suggesting they're not. They can nominate a stranger online for doormattery as a bit of a spectator sport as that's not involving any time and effort for them, other than the keystrokes it takes to type them.

It's a bizarre pastime around here to A) put women back in their boxes toute suite if it seems one is taking too independent a stance against traditional women's obligations, or B) to give OPs a good kicking, just for the hell of it and because they can. This, in the same tone as telling them their Christmas spirit is defunct and that they need to Be Kind (chortle).

It can take a more sinister turn on threads about VAWG, domestic and sexual abuse, though. But it's all the same noise.

No.

It means anyone who invites a guest to stay WITH HIM for December, totally fails to plan for how xmas day might go, waits until a week before xmas to instruct his sister that if (she doesn't)/I don't invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day, refuses to accept her 'no', continues the pressure, assumes he can sit around gaming all day, never contributes food, money or effort, is freeloading.

The clue is in your own word - "guest". ie invited, not imposed.

Funnily enough, I'm already keener on chap from China than DB. If forced to choose ... 😁

Seconded.

Brava, @Thereisnolight!

I know what you mean by changing the dynamic by having a stranger over when you have young kids. In my household my kids take a while to warm up to a stranger, sometimes won't even warm to them at all, it ends with them misbehaving, refusing to go in to the main room, sit at the table, eat their food and just stresses me out.
I think your brother wants a cooked meal by someone else which is why he is insisting on you inviting his friends. they both can cook a Xmas meal for themself and then play Xbox instead of coming round to yours.

It’s a tough one. When my brother was a student he brought his two housemates to the family Christmas as they we’re going g to be alone. It was all a bit uncomfortable to be honest (for them not for us), they didn’t speak any English and I think they were really overwhelmed by the amount of people there and the general chaos around the table. Does the friend actually want to come?

May I ask you to pm OP's DB & ask her to email your comment to him?

He really needs to see it.
Because he has no intention of missing his sister's xmas dinner, let alone caring & sharing for his friend.
Instead, he is cheerfully manipulating OP by telling her he'll leave HIS GUEST home alone, & come solo.

#BeKind DB!

Quoth @Flapjackquack, busily donning her very own WPC cap. 🙄😂

Two people are not alone.
1 person is alone

Well yes but to what extent? I am going to a European country to stay with friends next year. I know that there is a festival specific to that region of the country and there is a two day celebration with food and most shops will be shut. I haven't researched the minutiae of how every family celebrates as I have assumed my friend is ok with us coming over those dates having agreed them. The onus was on OP's brother to check it was ok before telling his friend he could come but I wouldn't expect a foreign guest to know the ins and outs of a UK Christmas which just from this thread is different for everyone. The whole world isn't tuned into the UK, we even celebrate on a different day to most of Europe. The Chinese friend will also have restricted internet in China too.

Oh. Tidy!

OP I don’t think you should have to host at all. Your brother should host at his.

I am quite surprised at how scared people are on here though. When I think of a stranger, the mental image I have is somebody that walks in off the street or a random person in the shop. Whilst I do not know all the friends of my parents or family or other friends, I do not view them in the same way as a ‘stranger’. I would see their friendship with somebody I know as a kind of ‘reference’ which means they are less likely to be a serial killer or paedophile or thief.

What I find bizarre are the comments that assume a friend of their brother would be putting their young children and possessions at risk. I am so glad I do not live with this level of fear, anxiety and paranoia and no regrets that I have not subjected my children to this level of overprotectiveness and claustrophobic existence. They are now confident young people who can talk well to ‘strangers’.

Anyway, my main reason not to have the brother there is that it would alter the relaxed dynamics of the day. Many of the other reasons on here are valid too. Don’t feel guilty if you decline OP. You are doing nothing wrong.

I have always tried to be the 'have you eaten yet?' type of person. My parents were always very welcoming inclusive hosts. It results in so many rich and diverse relationships and experiences. In this circumstance I would be welcoming to the friend. Put yourself in his shoes. I cannot imagine going to stay with a friend and not being welcomed in this scenario. It is so cold.

I have just read the the post that the guy is from China so you don't have to feel guilty about not being in the spirit of Christmas at all.

Likelihood is he barely acknowledges it, let alone celebrates it. Think OP's suspicions about brother wanting a gaming session and dinner provided are correct. He'll probably be grand by himself with the xbox at brothers house.

@Coucous - quite, people are happily ignoring the part where the brother knows him. Not that it means OP has to invite him but he isn't a complete unknown from the street.

I can’t believe your faux naïveté after OP has repeatedly explained why she’s uncomfortable.

Why are the #BeKind brigade never kind to the OP?

This thread is Batshit

OP, yanbu. Your brother is just extremely entitled. Invites himself over for you to host him, and then expecting you to host HIS guest.

Tell him to host his guest at his house.

Some of the martyred doormats on this thread...!

And the #bekind only seems to apply to women. It's nearly 2023 fgs

@Coucous oh, I didn’t realise there were conditions. He’s a stranger, does it matter?

or are you not as open and welcoming as you’ve portrayed yourself to be?

OP: I do like my brother. But again this thread has made me think as a number of his friends are extremely strange and not people I would have around my children - smoke weed etc.

OP: Posted that her brother invited himself which she accepted, and has now been harassing her about friend coming as well.

Certain posters: #BeKind! Your brother knows him so it's fine! He's allowed to leave his friend alone on Christmas day and guilt trip you but you must be kind and accept this guest foisted upon you!

There really is a culture of women having to be lovely and welcoming no matter what, and men clearly guilt tripping and using them being excused and absolved of all responsibility... By other women. 🤦‍♀️
Guess what? Just because a family member knows someone, doesn't mean they are a good person have to be in your home.