Active discussions

Meet the Other Phone. Only the apps you allow.

Meet the Other Phone.
Only the apps you allow.

Buy now

Please or to access all these features

Talk
AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a stranger at Christmas?

816 replies

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 22:15

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 19/12/2022 11:10

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:09

The wife work thing is a red herring IMO. Food and effort-wise this is just one plate of food from an already groaning table. And it's just a roast. Not a six course tasting menu with wine flights.

So if it isn’t about wifework why can’t the DB do that at his own home?

VestaTilley · 19/12/2022 11:12

Just say no. I wouldn’t want a stranger around my children and/or while I’m breastfeeding either.

Lesserspottedmama · 19/12/2022 11:12

It’s hard because it’s a gamble on what the friend is like! He could be lovely and in that case it would be such a nice thing to do, it is awful to think of someone alone at Christmas and it is a lovely thing to be welcoming. I wouldn’t begrudge the food and drink, we are on a very tight budget but I feel like we’d have to practically be on the streets before I’d be tight enough to begrudge someone a meal.
However he could be quite dreadful and then you are bound to resent your brother for foisting someone on to his family who brings the tone of the day down. Does your brother have good judgement and taste in people? I would be very unimpressed with the games console comment, but it could just be down to his lack of experience with children, it is odd he would suggest parking toddlers in front of a games console while you entertain his unknown friend. It would have been better if had reassured you that he and his friend would be very helpful in terms of playing with your older kids, food prep, washing up etc, asking what they could bring. I wouldn’t care about breastfeeding in front of people as I breastfeed in front of everyone and if they feel awkward that’s their issue. But you should do what feels right to you, why can’t your mum, brother and friend cook the lunch and bring it round? You shouldn’t be doing it all.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 11:12

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 09:50

Let's take this ridiculous thread onto a sillier level.

Anyone else noting irony the fact that the OP's kids are probably being told that they might be visited alone in their rooms on Christmas Eve by a foreign man; a stranger as they've never met him who will leave them presents, and that's ok. But to have a different foreign man sit at a table with them the very next day isn't ok. Mixed messages.

What mixed messages?
If it's not ok for DB friend to come, he won't be at the table.

So unless you're suggesting that OP is going to do a Show & Tell about how they MIGHT have had DB's friend round, but didn't, & segue neatly into a branch of comparative reasoning they're not yet old enough to comprehend, about how they DID have santa round, I reckon they'll be safe enough from ... whatever you think you're implying is unsafe or wrong in your sillier level.

Loics · 19/12/2022 11:13

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:09

The wife work thing is a red herring IMO. Food and effort-wise this is just one plate of food from an already groaning table. And it's just a roast. Not a six course tasting menu with wine flights.

Yes, just a roast and a plate - easy enough for the brother to do by himself then. 🙂

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:14

Because I'm guessing he'd rather be with his family. Coz it's Christmas.

Does this mean that anyone being a guest at Xmas is freeloading?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 19/12/2022 11:16

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:14

Because I'm guessing he'd rather be with his family. Coz it's Christmas.

Does this mean that anyone being a guest at Xmas is freeloading?

And I imagine the OP would rather be WITHOUT stranger. Why does the DB get what he wants? he chose to invite a month long guest over the Christmas period, it’s up to him to sort the Christmas Day hosting

Thereisnolight · 19/12/2022 11:16

You’re being precious I think.
if it’s important to your DB.
Are you close to your DB?
Could this “friend” be your DB’s partner?

Pothoswithasparkle · 19/12/2022 11:17

Thereisnolight · 19/12/2022 11:16

You’re being precious I think.
if it’s important to your DB.
Are you close to your DB?
Could this “friend” be your DB’s partner?

Tell me you didn't read the yhread without telling me you didn't read the thread😂

Thereisnolight · 19/12/2022 11:22

Ah - thought I’d get away with it since it’s Charrrisstmasss.

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:23

Thereisnolight · 19/12/2022 11:22

Ah - thought I’d get away with it since it’s Charrrisstmasss.

🤣🤣 Nicely styled out!! 👏

poefaced · 19/12/2022 11:25

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:09

The wife work thing is a red herring IMO. Food and effort-wise this is just one plate of food from an already groaning table. And it's just a roast. Not a six course tasting menu with wine flights.

If it's just a roast, why can't DB make one for his friend?

Coucous · 19/12/2022 11:26

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 11:27

You'll be waiting a long time, I'm afraid. I have nothing to apologise for; it's ok to disagree with people.

Of course it is, but you don't get to pass off your stonking rudeness & condescension as a difference of opinion @INACGMOOH

You blatantly called @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet a liar & told her she'd made up the facts she know were correct because ... OP had said so.

Doubling down by refusing to apologise for that personal attack makes you look stiff-necked, not right. And less credible, not more, because it just shows that clinging to a mistaken position is more important to you than understanding OP's actual words & situation.

Being prepared to call people liars for knowing stuff you didn't isn't a good look. I bet if you'd been able to say a quick "oops sorry mate" you & Lydia could have found common ground.

Coucous · 19/12/2022 11:28

This reply has been withdrawn

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Flapjackquack · 19/12/2022 11:33

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 11:27

You'll be waiting a long time, I'm afraid. I have nothing to apologise for; it's ok to disagree with people.

Of course it is, but you don't get to pass off your stonking rudeness & condescension as a difference of opinion @INACGMOOH

You blatantly called @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet a liar & told her she'd made up the facts she know were correct because ... OP had said so.

Doubling down by refusing to apologise for that personal attack makes you look stiff-necked, not right. And less credible, not more, because it just shows that clinging to a mistaken position is more important to you than understanding OP's actual words & situation.

Being prepared to call people liars for knowing stuff you didn't isn't a good look. I bet if you'd been able to say a quick "oops sorry mate" you & Lydia could have found common ground.

Wow just wow. Are you a school teacher by any chance because you sound like you are lecturing a child. @INACGMOOH has been no ruder than Lydia you just happen to agree with Lydia. You don’t get to police the thread.

coconutpie · 19/12/2022 11:34

YANBU. If brother doesn't want his friend being alone on Christmas Day, then you brother will spend the day with him. It's completely unreasonable for him to expect you to host a friend that you have never met nor will ever see again. You have 3 young DC. Stick to your guns.

Pothoswithasparkle · 19/12/2022 11:36

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

But the friend needn't be alone. Brother and girlfriend can spend time with him since they were the ones arranging the trip and brother didn't think to mention it until week before Christmas with an added cherry on top of emotional blackmail.

Be kind, not stupid

CaitoftheCantii · 19/12/2022 11:44

@Coucous just the person! My neighbour is in need of company and food for Xmas day!! He’s willing to travel too…

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 19/12/2022 11:44

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Shouldn’t it be the OP’s DB who should ‘be kind’ and host Christmas Day for the guest he chose to have?

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:47

This reply has been deleted

Message deleted by MNHQ. Here's a link to our Talk Guidelines.

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 11:49

Swimmingistoocold · 19/12/2022 10:18

I’d find you mean OP. It’s only one more person. And the person on here who assumes every man must be a secret paedophile needs to get some counselling. Jeez!

I find the DB mean. It's only one person. And his own guest. Why is he not treating him to a home-cooked xmas dinner of his own making?

You seem to imagine that OP is obliged to comply with her DB's demand because ... Reasons? But don'seem to feel DB is not obliged to look after his own guest.
The guest, btw, who he is threatening to leave on his own, in an attempt to guilt OP into accepting him, instead of looking after him himself.
THAT's where the mean is situated.
In the DB's manchild selfishness.

"Morning, mate from halfway round the world. It's the 25th, but as I can't get a woman to cook for the pair of us, I'll leave you here on your tod & go & get just my own dinner from her.
You know the 25th is special over here right? No need for you to experience any of it though, its not like you came here with any interest to see & taste another culture or expected to be included in my major holiday festival, right?
And obviously I can't be expected to cook this traditional dinner for you myself. Or keep you company. I know I invited you over the xmas period & you're my houseguest, but this is basically my sister's fault, not mine.
How can it be? I expected her to roll over. Not my fault the uppity bitch said no. It's not my responsibility to treat you like an honoured guest, don't come that Chinese cultural expectations malarkey with me. There a twix in the fridge - laters!"

KettrickenSmiled · 19/12/2022 11:54

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 10:22

@ShoveAHollySprigUpYourBum - Amen! Lydia has 94 posts in this thread at the last count. 😅

And ... you are COUNTING them?!

Why? 😂
Is it for a special project, or something you just find relaxing to do?

Loics · 19/12/2022 11:56

This reply has been deleted

This has been withdrawn by MNHQ at the poster's request.

Exactly, OP's brother should "be kind" and cook a lovely meal for him and his friend, not threaten to leave his guest alone on Christmas day.

INACGMOOH · 19/12/2022 11:58

🤣

I'm on the app. It shows in the filters.