To not want a stranger at Christmas?

[Oneeyedreindeer]

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

Havent read the thread, just your comments but can see how it's been going.

It's your home and your right to be comfortable in it. I would uninvite your brother. Of course you cant leave your friend alone on Christmas Day so I completely understand why you wont be joining us. We'll come and see you on Boxing Day instead.

Repeat as often as is necessary. If your mum plays up tell her she can go to your brother this year, you'll see her on Boxing Day too.

You DO NOT cover a baby that is feeding, for f*** sake!! Nowhere, ever! Let alone at their own home!
Would you like to to be eating with your head covered? And without knowing what the heck is going on?!

I have 5 Yorkshires with my roasts.

TBH I’d have Yorkshire pudding a gravy with pasta given the choice, bloody love them I do!

Her flaky, childish lazy brother who has a knack for keeping dodgy company

@LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet the OP has said that she wants to do the cooking.

My point about misandry is in response to your, quite frankly, hysterical concern about safeguarding.

With my young children in the house, I would say no to the stranger coming to say for Christmas, unless he was only coming for the Christmas dinner only, and leaving after that.

I’d be the same as you, OP. You’re not being mean or ridiculous, etc etc

THIRTY FECKIN FIVE . He and his friend could go to M and S and buy lovely foods for Christmas day like any other almost middle aged person with a friend visiting

This. Trolley dash round M&S for stuff they can grab while gaming. And they only need food for one day - Tesco Express opens on the 26th.

I absolutely would be. It's not a random person if it's your brother's friend. Plus what do you think the brother's friend is going to do to the children? Are you suggesting that every male whom you haven't known for decades is obviously a paedophile?

I have had randomers for Christmas - I'm happy so long as they muck in and act like part of the family (i.e. not as a visitor).

But the OP isn't like this, which is her prerogative.

But.... Then we wouldn't have an unkind woman to take our frustrations (somewhat caused by lack of comprehension) out on!

Logic is not welcome here😁

This. If Ops brother was likely to bring lovely things to share and to be bringing a friend who was likely to be personable and interesting company then that's a different thing. From the sounds of it he is a bit of a twat who will not help to do the trivia or entertain the children and he and his friend are expecting to sit wirh a tray on the sofa and play computer games. A 35 year old playing computer games is completely sad

I’m not a martyr because I cook 😂 I just believe too many people get I the way. Family do other things if I cook. Being a martyr would be trying to cook, and also entertain children, and also greet family and tidy up etc. Just cooking isn’t martyism

Nice try though

I need more information about this bloke rocking up to the Uk for a month (is he actually staying with the DB?) over Xmas. What has happened that only a week before Xmas, the DB has suddenly discovered the friend won't have anywhere to go for Xmas unless he plays tag on the DB's family?

I can't help feel there's more to this than meets the eye.

And YANBU.

Why is the bro lazy and entitled?

If I was hosting a mate over the December holiday period, they would join whatever Christmas and new year plans I had.

The bigger issue is that you all seem to host family members without asking them to lift a finger. If it's her bro and mum, and she's just had a baby, surely they will be doing a lot of the heavy lifting and bringing dishes, drinks and/or dessert etc,

Women on this thread need to start expecting a bit more form their partners and family, instead of just complaining and complaining that they have to do everything!

"Her flaky, childish lazy brother who has a knack for keeping dodgy company"

You literally know nothing about these people yet you write stuff like this about them. What on earth is your problem?

Brother offers to bring consoles is most likely to be his way of saying they don't want to be any trouble. Yes, it's clumsy and misjudged but I doubt it comes from the feckless standpoint you're promoting here.

As for dodgy company. WTAF? There is absolutely zero evidence that this friend is "dodgy". What about the fact that he's likely to be lovely? Your stranger danger is off the chart.

This thread makes me sad. The milk of human kindness is well and truly sour.

Abuse can happen when parents are in the room unfortunately so I don't know why you find the previous poster's comments so funny. I was a juror on a trial where these parents invited a man they had only ever spoken to online over for a bbq. He ended up assaulting their 7-8 year old daughter while in the same room as the dad while the dad was finding something to show him on the PC.

Brother offers to bring consoles is most likely to be his way of saying they don't want to be any trouble

Much more likely that that's what they're going to do all day and neatly avoid anything like helping with the cooking, table setting, washing up or child wrangling.

Whilst I fully acknowledge there is often an expectation on women to do everything, in this case the OP is insisting she does the cooking because her husband is terrible. Pure martyrdom.

My ex-H must have been a martyr too then Who knew?!
Oh! I knew! It was me who knew! Because I did every-fucking-thing else.
Hence EX-h.

Can't recall if it was OP or a PP who expressed this, but they said something about wanting the kitchen free of interference so they can focus when cooking, & appreciated all the other jobs being done by others. For all we know, OP's H shops, washes up, dresses & herds his kids, entertains everyone else & cleans the house from top to bottom. Statistically less likely than OP shouldering more of the load, but as shes not complained or even hinted at unhappiness about the domestic load, maybe she's one of the jammy marrieds.

Wanting to be the house cook is not martyring yourself. Unless you do everything else as well.

"Men expect women to perform free emotional & domestic labour for them & rarely reciprocate" IS a feminist issue.

Sure but if OP's family expect her to perform all that labour by herself and don't volunteer any help, the problem is within her pre-existing family dynamics, and the brother's friend is irrelevant.

Hi yanbu

Some people enjoy hosting and have a more the merrier

Others enjoy family Xmas, with shy DCs and new babies and are accidental hosts

It's perfectly ok to say to your brother
"Hi bro no we have young DCs and a new baby I am not up for hosting other people to our family Xmas day. I don't want the stress.

Mum and you (if you wanted) were invited to be included in ours- but if you want to spend Xmas with your friend + playing Xbox, you can host Xmas dinner for your friend at your house. (Bro) You're perfectly capable of cooking your own Xmas dinner. We can see you another year.
Luv oneeyeR. "

So why is the OP oh so put upon in your head then?! You have continually tried to build up a picture of some poor put upon housewife surrounded by CF men, when OP has insisted she do the cooking anyway.

Let's take this ridiculous thread onto a sillier level.

Anyone else noting irony the fact that the OP's kids are probably being told that they might be visited alone in their rooms on Christmas Eve by a foreign man; a stranger as they've never met him who will leave them presents, and that's ok. But to have a different foreign man sit at a table with them the very next day isn't ok. Mixed messages.

100% this. It’s all well and good shouting misogyny if the OP was just expected to cook by her whole family whilst they all sat round waiting to be fed, but OP openly admits she insists on cooking and doesn’t want people to help in the kitchen.

I never complain about having to do everything because I don’t do everything. I treat my husband like an adult with all the expectations that has, and between us we do 50/50 housework and childcare (actually it’s more 60/40 him/me as I work longer hours). Christmas Day we both cook if we are hosting or pitch in if parents are. You don’t get to insist on doing all the work then complain about having to do all the work!

Firstly how is it misandry to not want a random stranger in your home?

And I’m amazed people aren’t more careful of this. If it was in the news a child was attacked in their home by a complete stranger the FIRST thing people would say is “why on earth was this person allowed in a house of someone he’d never met”

You need to RTFT. OP was the one who said he keeps dodgy company such as people who take drugs regularly. That’s where I’m getting my info from. Literally all the info from OP’s posts.

Ill wait for your apology

Well either OP is doing it all and the brother is just expecting a woman to add to her load by inviting the friend, or the OP is just doing the cooking in which case it’s likely no extra work in the cooking side of it as who doesn’t over cater at Christmas anyway.

Ive repeatedly said she doesn’t have to invite him, but one particular poster is hellbent in making the OP out to be some sort of handmaiden because a man asked to bring an extra guest to dinner.