To not want a stranger at Christmas?

[Oneeyedreindeer]

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

It is. Shame the brother isn't posting here too so you can get him told, Dad.

Fancy inviting someone halfway round the world but being prepared to leave them ALL ALONE in your house while you sod off to eat the xmas dinner your sister's made. Unless you can guilt trip her into including your guest, who she's never even met.

How very unwelcoming & really sad of the brother.

Oh good grief. It might be lovely for DB's friend to be absorbed into a lovely family Christmas. Or perhaps they'd rather game all day. Either way, DB should be hosting in his own home. It's only the 19th, he has 6 whole days to grow the fuck up and organise a Christmas feast.

It's hardly obtuse. I have breastfed 3 dc too. I have been around many other women who breastfed. So long as you are feeding normally, there is pretty much nothing to see, even when latching on. Even when there is an occasional flash (one of mine was quite nosy from about 4 months on so would unlatch and look around to see what was happening) you would need to be really focusing on the mother's boob area to see anything.

But if you don't feel comfortable feeding in front of others, that's your prerogative.

The brother has to pitch in. Preferably with the kids in a meaningful way. If he can cook he should pitch in with that too.
Don't think op is being unreasonable. And I suspect op does most of the heavy lifting and juggling and an extra person tips the balance.

You can keep shouting about misogyny and Gilead but given both you and the OP openly admit you insist on cooking and don’t let anyone else in the kitchen, the only people putting expectations on you are yourselves. How about you stop being a martyr and relinquish some control, you will likely find the men are more than capable when they need to be and then it’s not all on you or the OP.

Why is a woman with a small baby’s comfort IN HER OWN HOME being deprioritised in favour of some bloke who has decided to go on a solo holiday during a scheduled and well published annual cultural holiday?

Because it's the logical end to 16 pages of posters telling her that she needs to Be Kind and open her house to a stranger she's never met because her brother has suddenly realised it's Christmas and he's made no plans more elaborate that 'we 'll go to my sisters, she's got my parents there anyway so two more won't matter, we'll get a decent feed and we can game all day.'

Had DB offered any contribution at all, OP?

YABU! There's been a couple of times where someone I don't know has been to ours for Christmas day. When my SIL first met her boyfriend she brought him along and that was the first time we had met him. And a couple of years ago my brother's partner brought her mum who'd I'd only met once before - If I'd said no then we would not have seen them on Christmas day because they would have wanted to have her mum over to theirs. Both times it was fine and definitely didn't spoil the day- the more the merrier! But then again, I'm quite a welcoming sort of person and not hung up about 'strangers' in my house like a lot of people on MN- I know a lot of you are too worried to answer the front door without prior warning of visitors.

I wouldn't want a stranger either. Your brother needs to stay home with him, not leave him home alone.

*This thread is ridiculous. On a site which is meant to be about supporting other women OP has been told
*Welcome a strange man into her own home despite her own discomfort
*To feed her baby in the bathroom of her own home
To cook for her brother and this random person then deliver it to them, as if they can't cook for themselves?

I swear, women have regressed about 150 years in the last decade.

He’s not stranded he’s on holiday. And I’d expect his male host to host him not some random woman.

The feminism aspect is absolutely the most disingenuous part of the thread because I'd bet cash money that if OP had a sister asking to bring her friend or if OP's brother's friend was a woman there'd STILL be the same reluctance. It's just inhospitability, plain and simple. Own it. "I don't care if someone else is on their own at Xmas" is not a feminist issue.

& I'd bet cash money - because it's statistically more likely - that if OP was posting about a sister, that sister would not be so entitled, non-contributing & tone deaf as this brother. Or expect to bring an uninvited guest, refuse to hear OP's 'no', continue to pressure her, & expect to bring a gaming console so she & her friend could play all day while being wined & dined at no effort whatsoever to herself.

"Men expect women to perform free emotional & domestic labour for them & rarely reciprocate" IS a feminist issue.

All the rest about stranger hospitality, breastfeeding, the meaning of xmas, & how MEAN OP is is just white noise.
As evidenced by how well is drowned out the ACTUAL noise - that OP's brother has an appallingly sexist sense of entitlement to his sisters home, labour, & even proxy hospitality - & PP fall for it because they forget that he too has a home, an oven, & a pair of hands. With which to offer hospitality to HIS guest. But that might feel like work, & why would he bother, when he can spring a late announcement on his sister & guilt trip her into compliance?

This must be a cultural thing. Is it really that much of a big deal to have one extra person for Christmas? Even in terms of hosting, isn't there usually more than enough food.

Gosh if Christmas isn't a time to be welcoming and have empathy, I don't know what time is. Tell your brother to bring a dessert, dish or bottle of something. Odd that posters would prefer not to see their bro at Christmas to save making one extra dish.

Why does it change the vibe re: breastfeeding. Use a cover. OP, assume that your boobs aren't usually fully out when your brother is around regardless??

I was going to reply YABU until the bit about the games console. That changes it, makes it sound like they just wanted to be fed and watered for a day without really taking part in the family festivities. Stick to your guns, your brother sounds like a arse!

Tbh I think it very much shows the standards and lack of boundaries we can generally observe here.
And when you have standards and boundaries you are "uNkInD"....

YANBU at all, I also wouldn’t want a complete stranger in my house on Christmas Day! He could be anyone really, your brother can stay with him if he’s so bothered about it.

I was going to say YABU until you mentioned about him bringing the games consoles. Hell no to that!
I can just picture the two of them taking over your TV/sitting room (and the attention of your children) while you and your mum run back and forth with beers/trays of canapes etc.
Hell no! (Did I already say that?)

He sounds cheeky. No strangers invited to your house is surely basic manners. Let alone at Christmas. With young children. You dont want random foreign blokes around your children, let alone at Christmas.

Ah, now we’re getting to it. You wouldn’t want random “foreign blokes” But presumably random British men would be fine!

THIRTY FECKIN FIVE . He and his friend could go to M and S and buy lovely foods for Christmas day like any other almost middle aged person with a friend visiting. Why is it women have to jump to everyone else's expectations and if we ever say "Actually no that doesn't suit me" they are the bad one.

In this situation I would probably begrudgingly allow the friend to come over but make it clear that no games consoles are allowed. Also ask if they could be the ones to bring the Christmas puddings or something to feel less used.

There's also the option of saying you don't want guests in your home on Christmas day but friend is welcome for a Christmas eve/boxing day drink?

Why don't you pop round to your brother's for a drink and meet him?

If you trust your brothe, and your brother is close enough to this chap to have him stay with him then he is not 'just a random person'.

OP already said her Mum expected to be hosted didn’t she? And where is OP’s DH/DP in all this? Or in your scenario is he also sat on his arse doing nothing?

I do agree with you about the games console though.

We have had "random" guests 3 times for Xmas, once a friend of Dsis, whose family were abroad, once a mutual (but not close) friend of Dsis and myself and once our NDN and 2 of his friends. Dsis asked about the first 2 guests and we said fine, the NDN and Co, we invited ourselves. Our kids were little but they enjoyed having another person around and the guests engaged with them more than the other elderly relatives we usually hosted. (I have to say I didn't consider safeguarding issues as there was no point any of the guests were alone with DC)
The worst that happened was the NDn friends were unbelievably dull but they got on well with a relative who can be on the boring side sometimes, and they left soon after lunch.

However, the times Dsis asked if she could bring a friend, she was not in a position to host them herself but had not promised anything to them before asking us first. Both guests she brought were lovely, offered help with washing/clearing up (which is more than our relatives do) and engaged with and entertained DC. My DH usually does the lions share of cooking on Xmas day so not extra wifework for me and I was not bf a baby. I think all these things make a difference, as well as the fact that OPS brother sounds like they just want to freeload off her under the pretence that they will somehow help with childcare by bringing games consoles that are unsuitable entertainment for that age.

There is always one isn't there?

Surely you must think it’s the DB who’s inhospitable? Fake feminism my arse - some of us just don’t think women shoudl pick up the slack for lazy entitled men