To not want a stranger at Christmas?

[Oneeyedreindeer]

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

I assume you include yourself in that bar lowering given you are barking at people to piss off out of YOUR kitchen?

Man books holiday through the whole of December

Man looks at calendar

“Christmas is December 25th?! THIS IS BRAND NEW INFORMATION”

I don’t think cooking is setting a low bar. It’s a Sunday roast and ‘doing the Yorkies’ or chopping veg is not helpful to me. It’s helpful if people stay away, do other things and let me cook the food like we would if I was cooking on a normal day. And vice versa if I’m not the one cooking

It probably is to a Chinese Man who has lived in China his whole life. Christmas isn’t even a public holiday in China, it probably didn’t even occur to the guy it might be an issue.

I wouldn't be keen either OP if your DB has form for dodgy mates and manchild behaviour. Your house, your rules and the guilt tripping from him about someone you've never even met isn't kind.

If a firm direct "no" isn't possible, I may be inclined to take the view that it could actually be helpful to get a hand with the costs and chores of the day what with the cost of living and the fact you're rather busy looking after your actual small children to run around after/fund the large ones.

An itemised list of shopping for DB/them to bring and their allocated tasks could easily be sent to them ahead of time. In the spirit of Christmas, family all muck in together, don't they? Like your DB is suggesting you do? Though I can't remember the wise men turning up empty handed and expecting the breastfeeding mother to wait on them hand and foot with free food and booze and call her "unkind" when she didn't. Hmm.

And seeing as your DB reeeally wants his dear pal to spend the day with his family and not just DB, they'll have no need for games consoles. I'd also suggest DB's friend doesn't wear anything he doesn't mind getting projectile baby vomit on - and, whilst his idea of a 4 year old playing Call of Duty doesn't quite work, you will happily take them up on his offer to entertain the kids. And you hope they've both brushed up on whatever repetitive song is currently terrorising the parents of little ones because they'll be hearing it a LOT.

I'd hazard a guess that they'd suddenly be ever so keen to have a quiet one at DBs...

Which begs the question if ‘why the desperation for him to have somewhere to be on Christmas’.

If you’ve grown up in a country that celebrates Christmas, being alone can be devastating because it’s a reminder of what you don’t have anymore. Presumably this Chinese guest doesn’t have the DB round 24/7 - surely the DB goes to work and leaves him home alone? So why does Christmas have to be an exception if this man doesn’t celebrate it.

I’ll tell you why - DB wants a gaming day with his mate but he wants to be fed and watered at someone else’s effort and expense. That’s been very clear from the start. And not only are people telling OP to enable this, they’re actually saying she’s unkind if she doesn’t!

Absolutely unbelievable

What would Jesus do?

Why are you cooking dinner for large group when you have a young baby?

There appear to many other adults present (who OP likes fine): why aren't they doing more childcare / comforting / cooking.

We always had 'strangers' for Christmas when I was growing up. Would feel very wrong to not have holiday strays.

Pull his fucking weight that’s for sure

The baby doesn’t always need to be with the OP. I know we like to pretend a Christmas dinner is this enormous great big planned event that needs 400 hours of prep but actually it’s just a Sunday lunch. Perfectly easy to do on your own if her DH has the baby. Better than keeping the bay with you and have someone cook who can’t cope with timings or doesn’t want to.

This really is a sad post.

Why?

You're not being unreasonable, you have small children. Your brother could have Christmas with his guest instead...

I have to admit I'd hate this.i really want to be kind but chri stmas and certain times I just want to be totally free to just be.be that in pjs.slobbing,eating,snuggling on the sofa.i would totally change how I act if a stranger came.every conversation would be different!and that's not not not what I need this year at Christmas. I need to just be.
If be calm and tell your brother no.you don't feel comfortable.dont react or get argumentative as siblings do.just state your facts.
Maybe suggest a evening time to come play a game.or even a drink in the morning.but this isn't your problem
Tbh if my brother was more accomadating and didnt act like you say your often does id be more inclined to say yes.but two of them acting like your db.nah.
But you need to be honestvtell him now so he can at least sort out his end regarding food and stuff

It's also her fucking house.

End of.

Why?

😂

Don't be daft, it's her brother who's being selfish, And demanding, manipulative & stroppy.

He can cook an xmas dinner at HIS house for him & his friend.

It would be selfish of him not to, eh, as otherwise the friend will be ALL ALONE, & as he's HIS friend, not OP's friend, how is OP the one at fault here?

No battles, nothing to see here!
Merry Xmas and goodwill to all bonnets.

Our usernames could procreate and have little bonnet babies! Could end up in a row though if the bonnet babies want mates over for Christmas

Jesus but suggesting the answer is to send cooked meals to the brother’s home rather than tell him to cook himself really shows the depressing reality of how low women set the bar for themselves.

DB wants a gaming day with his mate but he wants to be fed and watered at someone else’s effort and expense. That’s been very clear from the start. And not only are people telling OP to enable this, they’re actually saying she’s unkind if she doesn’t!

Absolutely unbelievable

What ho @LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet. I only popped in giggle at the appalling displays of internalised misogyny these threads always yield, but now I see it runs to 14 pages that's too rich for my blood, so I salute you, & night night. 👏

Your brother and his friend can have dinner together. His friend may enjoy that more than being with a load of kids he doesn't know. I definitely would!

When DB was living in China, did this friend and his family extend hospitality and welcome your brother?

living overseas you can find yourself hosted at random events and invited to different homes. I am sure your brother experienced some of this hospitality and maybe now doesn’t have the same boundaries as you do.

it’s your home and your Christmas so you decide. It doesn’t matter what any of us would do.

Jesus said let the children come to me.
I take that as put their well-being first.
Which would mean no strange man in the house on Christmas.

The story of Mary and Martha. Sack off the meal prep and sit at his feet. Not sure that would stretch to OP grabbing a controller and ignoring the dinner in favour of Call of Duty though.