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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

To not want a stranger at Christmas?

816 replies

Oneeyedreindeer · 18/12/2022 22:15

My mother and brother were due to come to my house for Christmas. I am married with 3 DC, one of who is a young baby. Last week he randomly said he has a friend from abroad coming to stay for a month and if I don’t invite him he will be alone on Christmas Day.

i explained I don’t want a stranger there and it changes the dynamics with small children/breastfeeding etc. he is insisting I could meet the friend beforehand. He is like a dog with a bone and won’t drop it and keeps bringing it up/poor friend will he all alone etc etc. I’ve been clear that if he can’t come as he needs to be with his friend that’s fine and now I feel very mean indeed. But AIBU? I just think it would be very awkward indeed and I do also think there’s an element of my brother wanting to park up for some free/food drink with his friend - he suggested bringing his games consoles “for DC to play” although DC are 4 and under.

OP posts:
LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:30

EL8888 · 18/12/2022 23:21

This. I haven’t seen a thread yet where a woman is wanting to land extra random people on a male relative

Stick to your guns. He invited the guest = he can host him for Christmas

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Exactly!! And what is ALWAYS expected of the woman? bE KinD. ChRIStmAS SpiRIt. My dog’s aunty’s mate’s mate’s roommates always hosted last minute eleventy billion strangers which most of the family fucking hated but such lovely memories of kindness and safety. WHY ARENT YOU LIKE MY DOGS AUNTYS MATES MATES ROOMATE OP

EhLov · 18/12/2022 23:30

I think also because the friend is the guest/only non family it would make him the focus of the day, rather than the children.

Sorry, I agree with this. They'd be the focus of conversation and being hosted when really, you'd just want to focus on fussing your kids.

I wonder if those in favour are picturing a more adult Xmas, in which case I can see this would be totally more easily accommodated.

OldWivesTale · 18/12/2022 23:31

...but he's not a random stranger he's the brother's friend.

I think it would be very mean spirited to not allow him to come.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:32

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:22

Don’t be so precious! Ffs!

they aren’t a stranger! They are a friend of your brothers. You made it sound like some random was asking to join you for Christmas!

the amount of friends I’ve made via other people and then become organically friends with them is in abundance - it’s snobby and short sighted to think otherwise.

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God I know, even though he is a stranger the OP’s flaky man child brother knows whom so he can be a Cwistmas Ferns <In etweeners thumbs up>. Even though her 2yo will hate it and her brother will play video games all day, it would be very snobbish of OP not to don her Mrs Claus bonnet and rustle up a jolly good time for the menz.

jtaeapa · 18/12/2022 23:33

Just tell him no, it is not happening.

YANBU

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:33

Teenagehorrorbag · 18/12/2022 23:22

Totally agree. He's DB's pal, why wouldn't you?

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Because the DB sounds like an idiot. Who keeps company of other idiots.

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:33

EhLov · 18/12/2022 23:30

I think also because the friend is the guest/only non family it would make him the focus of the day, rather than the children.

Sorry, I agree with this. They'd be the focus of conversation and being hosted when really, you'd just want to focus on fussing your kids.

I wonder if those in favour are picturing a more adult Xmas, in which case I can see this would be totally more easily accommodated.

nope kids galore this end, would not distract away from the children to have a new face to the family, would this be different if it was a Romantic relationship? Are kindred friendships worth less somehow!?

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:33

I don't really see all strangers as pedos or weirdos, and have even had people I don't know it to my home. But what really gets my goat on these threads are who seem to think it's wrong for a woman not to be able to say no just because she wants to, because she should be kind, that she should leave the room to breastfeed etc etc.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:34

OP why isn’t your brother’s girlfriend coming over? Out of curiosity

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:35

Givemethereins · 18/12/2022 23:25

What's the issue here? Are you thinking the op is going to leave this person alone with the kids in a room for hours? This guest won't be leaving anyone sight for the whole day, except for bathroom. What in your imagination could go wrong?
This sounds abit cynical and never mind that the brother is vouching for him.

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Well apparently the norm with strangers and young children in the house is for the kids to want to sit on the stranger’s lap so TBH who fucking knows.

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:35

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:32

God I know, even though he is a stranger the OP’s flaky man child brother knows whom so he can be a Cwistmas Ferns <In etweeners thumbs up>. Even though her 2yo will hate it and her brother will play video games all day, it would be very snobbish of OP not to don her Mrs Claus bonnet and rustle up a jolly good time for the menz.

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I’m sorry …. what!?

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:36

marvellousmaple · 18/12/2022 23:25

I missed the dripfeed about the dodgy characters.

ANyway, you guys would be in shock that at one of my sons 21st's we had 68 people stay the night. We live on acreage so there were people in tents , people on the floor, people in their cars. I probably knew about half of them by name.

Is it because it's Christmas that people won't let a friend of their immediate family darken their doorstep?
Genuinely perplexed.

It’s hardly a drip feed. Everyone just assumed the OP’s brother must be a good judge of character

tillytown · 18/12/2022 23:37

Christmas or not, no way would I have a strange man in my house, especially when my kids were there. Basic safeguarding doesn't go out the window just because it's Christmas

azimuth299 · 18/12/2022 23:37

bloodyplanes · 18/12/2022 22:17

You sound a bit selfish op! Its only one day, I would never see anyone alone on Christmas day.

Problem solved then, @bloodyplanes will have him over at hers!

If your brother is bothered about leaving his friend alone then he can host OP.

Daffodilis · 18/12/2022 23:37

OldWivesTale · 18/12/2022 23:31

...but he's not a random stranger he's the brother's friend.

I think it would be very mean spirited to not allow him to come.

Oh stop trying to guilt trip the OP ffs she is allowed to say no without people like you trying to make her feel bad!

Butchyrestingface · 18/12/2022 23:37

@Oneeyedreindeer I started off thinking you were being a bit mean, especially since Christmas commemorates a historical/symbolic event (depending on your beliefs, if any) of an event where a pregnant woman on a donkey relied on the kindness of strangers to open their doors to her. Xmas Grin

But your description of your brother suggests he's a pisstaker. Are you going to allow him over the threshold if he turns up sans friend? I wouldn't think much of him if he leaves his friend alone at home to celebrate Christmas with you, and would be inclined to tell him to bugger off home.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:37

Flapjackquack · 18/12/2022 23:27

Well you are wrong. Lots of them at my local garden centre. Not DS though because it’s weird.

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Seriously!

I thought that tradition was a universal big fat NO ages ago?

ShoveAHollySprigUpYourBum · 18/12/2022 23:37

All pp who would be happy with this - should be signing up ASAP to have at least one extra random person (homeless person/refugee/lonely neighbour, etc) round for Christmas.

Can you explain why, @NaturalBae? On the one hand you say 'You don’t have random people in your home for an extended period of time around children, esp. young children.^ and then you insist that people do. Slight contradiction in your thinking there.

People saying they've done this, extended an invitation to a child's friend, sibling's friend etc. isn't the same thing as inviting a random person in from the street.

Octopusmittens · 18/12/2022 23:38

bloodyplanes · 18/12/2022 22:17

You sound a bit selfish op! Its only one day, I would never see anyone alone on Christmas day.

Oh behave, have him round to your house if you feel that strongly 🙄

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:38

MarieIVanArkleStinks · 18/12/2022 23:28

I saw the other thread and was minded to get an opinion on my own situation. If you are accusing me of being a troll then by all means report - I’ve been a poster here for many, MANY years!

I wasn't, as it happens. My comment is made entirely at face value: an observation on the frequent brass neck of men thinking it's open season to invite who they want to other people's homes, women as ever bearing the load of the work and expense.

The continued pressure when they hear 'no' is also an interesting feature of that sense of entitlement, as are the numerous women telling other women they are being 'dicks', or accusing them of the everlasting 'S' word.

No wonder the patriarchy's thriving with women as well as men so willing to do their dirty work and nominate other women for the same dubious privilege.

I swear that in the past decade we've gone 50 years backward.

Excellent post @MarieIVanArkleStinks

It’s about so much more than Christmas spirit

TheOnlyBeeInYourBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:39

I'm not really seeing the gendered issue here but that's probably because I've had the same stunt pulled on me by a woman. (And it was XH doing all the cooking that year.)

It comes down to your relationship with your brother I think. If you were super close and it was a relationship of equals you'd do whatever was needed to have him with you on the day, and you'd trust that he wouldn't bring someone into your home who wouldn't fit in. Sounds like that's not the case for you two, and that's OK.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:39

OldWivesTale · 18/12/2022 23:31

...but he's not a random stranger he's the brother's friend.

I think it would be very mean spirited to not allow him to come.

He’s a stranger to the OP and her kids.

Is it not more unkind of the brother to not be hosting and cooking for his mate himself?

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:40

tillytown · 18/12/2022 23:37

Christmas or not, no way would I have a strange man in my house, especially when my kids were there. Basic safeguarding doesn't go out the window just because it's Christmas

Ok can we get a definition of stranger here because it sounds like tom dick and Harry are arriving.

yes at Christmas I like to expose my children just for kicks. I open up to all strangers. Safeguarding is on leave,

give over, you were a “stranger” to an event once.

LydiaBennetsUglyBonnet · 18/12/2022 23:42

Soakitup37 · 18/12/2022 23:35

I’m sorry …. what!?

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Oh…fucking autocorrect!

Ill try again..

God I know (even though he is a stranger) but the OP’s flaky manchild brother knows him so he can be her Cwistmas Fwend <Inbetweeners Thumbs Up> . Even though her 2yo will hate it and the man child DB will play video games all day, it would be very snobbish of OP not to don her Mrs Claus bonnet and rustle up a jolly good time for the menz.

LaBellina · 18/12/2022 23:43

What the hell is going on with trying to guilt trip the OP into ‘kindness’. How about her brother picking up his responsibility and host HIS guest during Christmas instead of expecting a breastfeeding young mother and her children to put up with a strange man in their home when she repeatedly said she feels pressured and uncomfortable?