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AIBU?

Share your dilemmas and get honest opinions from other Mumsnetters.

Original poster

She kept reiterating it was ok if we didn’t go

183 replies

Whenwillthissicknessend · 18/12/2022 13:53

Am I being paranoid?

Christmas mums and kids meet up today, fairly small group, organised by a newish mum. Dd has been not feeling great and I said in the last couple of days that she’d been not that well, but we wanted to come and would try to make it. Other friends in the group saying they were sad she was unwell and they hoped to see us etc.
The mum who organised it just kept saying ‘Don’t worry not to be there’ and saying she didn’t expect us to be there and saying the numbers now were such and such, basically not including us.
Am I being paranoid in thinking she didn’t really want us there?

OP posts:
ThisGirlNever · 18/12/2022 16:16

EasterIsland · 18/12/2022 15:58

Why would you take an unwell child to a social event, where there might be babies or vulnerable children & adults?

Your friend was being tactful.

I hate it when people come to events, and say to me "Oh I've just got a bit of a cold." A 'bit of a cold' can land me in bed for 3 days & give me a dose of bronchitis.

It seems that you're the one with the problem. Why should people with minor ailments avoid social gatherings? If you're that worried about catching something, stay at home.

The selfishness and entitlement of those that expect the world to revolve around their specific needs is astounding.

IDontWantToBeAPie · 18/12/2022 16:17

It's the week before Christmas. Nobody wants to get sick right now.

Octo5 · 18/12/2022 16:17

We had a works do arranged.
A colleague who works PT texted the group chat saying she’s not feeling great and not sure if she’ll be attending.

We all replied not to worry if she can’t make it as we’ll arrange something in the new year.

I wasn’t actually thinking of the germs but I know the reason she texted was because she was feeling guilty and I wanted to let her know it was ok and she wasn’t letting us down.

LubaLuca · 18/12/2022 16:19

Why did she keep on telling you not to come? Did you keep on saying you were going to go, or had you made it very clear that you had no intention of taking a sick child out and about?

NewHopeNow · 18/12/2022 16:22

Of course she didn't want you there. Who wants some selfish arsehole to show up and make everyone poorly right before Christmas. Are you serious?

lieselotte · 18/12/2022 16:23

She didn't go, but in any event child feeling under the weather doesn't mean they are sick and germy, it could be for any number of reasons.

OP you're on a hiding to nothing on MN because everyone has health anxiety and/or has a whole social circle who are immune-suppressed - even before covid - so everyone will jump down your throat. Add the fact that it's the week before Christmas and you were very brave to post on here.

Although it would have helped if your first post had made it clearer that there was more than one child who was ill/under the weather/feeling a bit grotty obviously sick with covid but it was only you who she was encouraging not to come.

lieselotte · 18/12/2022 16:24

NewHopeNow · 18/12/2022 16:22

Of course she didn't want you there. Who wants some selfish arsehole to show up and make everyone poorly right before Christmas. Are you serious?

It would help if people would read the full thread.

Wereeaglesdare · 18/12/2022 16:26

Why oh why do people like you think it is fine to take ur ill child to these things. Yes I know children look forward to things but it is a really selfish attitude and I'm growing tired of people behaving like this. You should have been considerate enough to say we won't come. You haven't been polite and you have probably made everyone else feel awkward about you potentially coming. Especially with all the nasty things going around right now. Get clued on will you.

ThisGirlNever · 18/12/2022 16:32

Wereeaglesdare · 18/12/2022 16:26

Why oh why do people like you think it is fine to take ur ill child to these things. Yes I know children look forward to things but it is a really selfish attitude and I'm growing tired of people behaving like this. You should have been considerate enough to say we won't come. You haven't been polite and you have probably made everyone else feel awkward about you potentially coming. Especially with all the nasty things going around right now. Get clued on will you.

Why do you consider others selfish, when it's you that wants to have things your way?

Get some self awareness.

Runningintolife · 18/12/2022 16:33

Send her a nice message, don't stew or assume there's a problem otherwise you will cause a problem to arise even if there isn't one yet.

Unifolorn · 18/12/2022 16:34

Wereeaglesdare · 18/12/2022 16:26

Why oh why do people like you think it is fine to take ur ill child to these things. Yes I know children look forward to things but it is a really selfish attitude and I'm growing tired of people behaving like this. You should have been considerate enough to say we won't come. You haven't been polite and you have probably made everyone else feel awkward about you potentially coming. Especially with all the nasty things going around right now. Get clued on will you.

I don't know, selfish though isn't it. A common cold or whatever is understandable as children would never go out otherwise, but sickness and bad respiratory things (yes even before covid) is selfish. Went to an event at the weekend, organisers had offered refunds if anyone was poorly and could pick up activity packs for free if you couldn't go in so no one missed out too much, but there was an adult hacking away saying they had severe bronchitis and aren't sure how they mustered the energy to go. Now on one hand of course commendable so her children didn't miss out and perhaps no one else could take them, but bloody hell also ridiculously selfish to go somewhere you know there's going to be lots of young children.

girlmom21 · 18/12/2022 16:35

How much reassurance do you need?! It's fine you weren't there. How many people need to tell you you were missed before you're happy?

Benjispruce4 · 18/12/2022 16:36

Understandably she doesn’t want you to bring a sick child.

Quarique · 18/12/2022 16:39

Was there a difference between the illnesses that your child and the other child had?

Did the other sick child go?

SmileyClare · 18/12/2022 16:42

If you continue to notice similar behaviour (singling you out in a negative way, ignoring you) then recognise she has an issue with you

Confused youre reading a lot into “don’t worry if you can’t make it”

LBFseBrom · 18/12/2022 16:46

I think she was just trying to reassure you that nobody, especially her, would think the worst of you if you stayed home. Obviously you can't go unless your child is better, everyone knows that.

Bringonsummer19 · 18/12/2022 16:47

Why do people still think it’s ok to bring sick children places. Especially just before Christmas. Give yourself a shake

OhChristmasTreeOhChristmasTreeFaLaLa · 18/12/2022 16:49

Absolutely no one wants to be sick now, she was politely telling you not to come in a round about way. I'd have been more direct about telling you not to come personally. She didn't want your germs, understandably.

Gh12345 · 18/12/2022 16:54

Simply think she doesn’t want to get sick before Christmas

Original poster
Whenwillthissicknessend · 18/12/2022 16:56

@girlmom21 All of them, numerous times! 😂

OP posts:
Original poster
Whenwillthissicknessend · 18/12/2022 16:57

Wish I hadn’t written this thread, it’s not been understood at all 🙈

OP posts:
KettrickenSmiled · 18/12/2022 17:01

Whenwillthissicknessend · 18/12/2022 16:57

Wish I hadn’t written this thread, it’s not been understood at all 🙈

I understand it now OP, got confused by "newish mum" in your first post, which didn't get clarified til much later.

Still think you are focused on the wrong aspect though.
Instead of hurting yourself obsessing over how much Newish Mum likes you compared with others she knows in your group - why not focus on all the messages of well-wishing & missing you your friends sent you?

THOSE are the friends you should be thinking about & connecting with.
Newish Mum - not so much. And guess what - it's no biggie. It's not a moral failing to prefer some people to others. We all do it. So do you.

ObjectionSustained · 18/12/2022 17:06

Whenwillthissicknessend · 18/12/2022 16:57

Wish I hadn’t written this thread, it’s not been understood at all 🙈

It's been perfectly understood.

You'd previously said that your DD wasn't feeling well.

It's not as if she didn't know and said 'oh don't worry if you can't come'; she was more than aware of the sickness and didn't want to risk herself or her children getting ill a week before Christmas.

The other friends might have been slightly more diplomatic about it, whereas she might have been genuinely concerned that you were going to turn up with an contagious, sick child.

Do you feel as though she didn't want you there because she didn't send a 'hope DD feels better so you can make it' message? Not everyone will reply like that.

You're right, she didn't want you there but that's likely because she did not want to risk illness.

I don't know why that isn't an acceptable reason for you.

SmileyClare · 18/12/2022 17:15

Pinkdelight3 · 18/12/2022 14:55

People say different things to different people. It's really not to be overthought and analysed on this level. You don't need a checklist to ensure everyone in the group said it was sad that you weren't there. It probably wasn't sad anyhow, they probably had a good time regardless, it's just shit people say online. Honestly, forget about it and focus on real life interactions that matter.

Great advice.

whynotwhatknot · 18/12/2022 17:15

maybe the other child just had a cold or something-and yours was worse?