To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

I've got no advice really as this sort of behaviour would have me questioning my own sanity (her behaviour is so ridiculous it almost sounds fake - I know it's not though).

The bit that really got me is that she bought you the wrong colour uniform. That was intentional and almost as if she wanted to humiliate you OR didn't care about humiliating you so she could use it as a "funny" anecdote about her fake scattiness.

As I say, I have no advice, but I really do feel for you. I get silently annoyed that my Mum is late for nearly everything (as in hours late often), but I know it's not on purpose. Would outright ignoring the behaviour work? As in completely pretending you can't hear what she is saying when she is herself pretending.

I put yabu simply because you haven't been honest with your Mum that her sh1t really is just that. And you're not putting up with it any more. Ever!! So if she wants a proper relationship with you and her Granddaughter she needs to get some help with her sh1t so that you can all move forward!!

That might work with a well-adjusted person. Eventually, depending on how much they valued whatever kicks they're getting out of goading you vs: how much they actually give a shit about you.

But telling a personality disordered individual that you are not putting up with their how they manifest that disorder on you not only never works, it always backfires.
No matter how carefully & clearly you think you can articulate it.

See @ReneBumsWombats comment upthread about how e.g. the "ditsy" act unmasks itself as soon as it's challenged - revealing the snarling attack monster it's designed to conceal.

@KettrickenSmiled - hahaha! Why thank you.

As much as I am all about not having high expectations in life and not sweating the small stuff.. having positive outlook.. this is ridiculous. As if you forget to defrost the main event!

So many ppl would be grateful just to be able to be with their mum at Christmas. You know what your mum is like and yet you chose to accept, so it’s your responsibility.

Unforgiveable?

It was dinner not murder FFS!

@Waytoofar - bet that was on your list of things you never thought you’d have to actually say to another adult.

Please no with the victim blaming. OP has dealt with this her whole life. You wouldn’t tell a domestic abuse victim it was their responsibility for putting up with their abuser (I hope!). There will be a whole load of psychology at play here.

How to say ‘I haven’t read the thread’ without saying I haven’t read the thread.

Not one or two posts above yours, we are (re)addressing the monumentally helpful ‘well, I don’t even have a mother any more’ posts.

You realise the people who miss their mothers (like me) had kind, caring mothers, who didn’t spend their entire lives pulling stupid shit?

• monumentally UNhelpful, obviously.

A question was asked, and I replied. Her mother wanted to spend Christmas with her, I don’t see this as abuse just a women with other things on her mind and different priorities. There are many reasons a person is forgetful not just because they have dementia.

That’s such weird behaviour. She clearly either thinks it’s funny to be the silly ditzy disaster chef, or she genuinely can’t cope. I would find it weirdly vindictive actually. So YANBU for being angry. Christmas is an important tradition for lots of people and to have it ruined like that is upsetting.

Have you even read the OPs posts? I would not consider a parent who sends their child into school in the wrong uniform or taunts a child that they have bought them a much coveted rocking horse for weeks, only for the child to realise they haven’t - just “forgetful”. Stop trying to make excuses for what is harmful behaviour. People have tried them all already, ADHD, autism, ADD etc etc. None of these excuse the mother’s responses to her own behaviour.

OP’s mother could have easily spent last Christmas at the OP’s house, with the OP cooking, but she insisted it was spent at her house so she could do her whole I’m so silly, look at me, look at me routine and ruin the OP’s day.

I don’t know the why behind her behaviour but your feelings are valid whatever the reason. You are allowed to feel pissed off/disappointed/ whatever.. because how you feel matters just as much as anyone else, and if you were looking forward to a traditional Xmas dinner you’re entitled to be pissed off you didn’t get one - I would be too.

Think you are doing the right thing inviting her over and cooking it all yourself. Enjoy! 🦃 🍽️

I don’t see this as abuse just a women with other things on her mind and different priorities.

Correct. Those things and priorities are creating and sabotaging expectations, then using emotional blackmail to shut down any confrontation. And, of course, to pretend that it's only about a meal or a toy to make your victim look petty and melodramatic while you're above it all with different priorities.

Congratulations on falling for it completely.

Are you even reading the same thread as the rest of us…..?

Oh, and not one person thinks the OP’s mother has dementia….

I think its about wanting attention and having repressed anger. Cooking may be viewed as 'womans work" in her head and could be triggering.

My MIL does this on a lesser scale. Has now recognised her limits and doesn't really cook anymore.
My sis does it too actually, nightmare going round there, again due to feeling resentful secretly imo.
Weird.

@StillFumin I am very invested in the contents of your Mum's freezer, is the turkey still in there with all the trimmings ? Did she cook it all at a later date ? Did it all actually exist ?

I would be prepared to wager that your mum suffers from adhd. It does not just affect the young. Look up the symptoms of adhd and offer discreet advice if I am right. My 37 year old daughters life has been changed since she started on medication 15 months ago.

Oh I thought she was asking for opinions? Not only ppl that agree

You can disagree, but in sharing your particular opinion, you’re coming across as if you have the intellect and insight of an amoeba.

I’m going to give you the benefit of the doubt and assume you’re not actually really stupid. But rather, that you just enjoy being difficult and playing devil’s advocate.

You’re welcome.

Wow

You have EVERY right to still be angry,

IT HAPPENED and it is a repetative behaviour. She will not change and so YOU have every right to change how YOU react.

I had the last decade having elderly relatives "revealing" Christmas day that they were "on their own" SOB SOB. They were invited to MANY but left it too late to choose, so i ended up making dinner stretch from 4 to (once) 10.

You dont mention your DAD. have you lost him ?
My Mum PLAYS up on this , oh dear I am so silly, dad wouldnt have let this happen etc, (rubbish)

I put my foot down last year. I am happy to cater BUT ask them OUT RIGHT are you coming. If they dither I MAKE IT PLAIN. Yes or no !

Last Christmas day I had a few phone calls about "THEY had been let down" Just said "so sorry, im sure you will enjoy a quiet day"

HER behaviour has been REWARDED, so she continues to do it,

I dont mind catering to a dozen people, I enjoy cooking and entertaining BUT I have to be in control.

Go for ALL OR NOTHING

As far as I’m aware, people with ADHD don’t relish being total dicks to loved ones, and then gaslight them when they’re upset by said actions.

But maybe I’m wrong.