To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce
That is genuine thanks, not sarcastic as it now might look… 😞

Sounds like some sort of narcissistic personality. Your childhood must have been really hard, having a mother you couldn’t rely on.

YANBU except, if DD doesn’t eat sausages what kind of pigs in blankets was she going to eat?

Oh yes. It was right up there near the top.

No worries - I get it. I can’t believe how many times on here really shitty behaviour is ‘explained away’ by some sort of neurodiversity. I find it shocking (offensive), and I’m not even neurodivergent myself.

does sound like PDA also as described by @mathanxiety

not to be relied on
very disappointing for the op
but it has made the op stronger

How old is mum? Are you sure there's no underlying ND condition? Got a friend diagnosed with ADHD in her 50's.
Lost my mum 12 years ago yesterday. Annoying as she was, would give anything for one more Christmas with her.

I'm sorry I haven't read everything but your OP says she has asked you if you're still annoyed with her. I would just very calmly say yes, you are still annoyed with her because she let you and your family down. I would tell her that her behaviour was bizarre and that's why you won't have Christmas dinner at her house in future.
I might also say that it was just the latest thing in a number of ways she'd let you down, so you feel it's best not to put your trust in her when it comes to situations like Christmas dinner. I'd ask her why she forgot such important things as you are concerned for her memory.
I'd also make it clear she's always welcome at yours.

Seriously??

RTFT.

Both those points have been raised and (rightly) dismissed outright. Even just a couple of posts above yours.

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce
you are not in charge

Who said I was?

It’s a discussion forum - open to all. Someone makes a stupid comment, I comment back. It’s how it works.

Does this really need explaining……………?

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce

Not RTFT, I have a life. Read all the OP's posts, couldn't see anything regarding ND in her posts. Sorry if I missed it.
Or was it "raised and (rightly?!) dismissed by other than OP? [Hmm]
You sound angry. For God's sake be merry, have another sherry!

Just because someone’s an arsehole, doesn’t mean they’re neurodiverse. It’s really offensive to suggest that.

Just because you’ve lost your mother, as have I, doesn’t mean other people can’t be hurt and upset by theirs.

You ‘have a life’? Yet here you are.

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce

You clearly have an anger problem as does OP.

ND always needs to be ruled out when people exhibit bizarre behaviour. How do you jump to the conclusion that I'm saying it must be a ND condition? That is quite a bizarre conclusion in itself.
Life's too short to hang onto anger. One hurts oneself just as much as the other person. I was just having an idle scroll while I made coffees. Need to get on with RL now.

How do you jump to the conclusion that I'm saying it must be a ND condition?

Because, at 8.35, you said ”Are you sure there's no underlying ND condition?”

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce
take a long breath. The ppl who HAVE read the full thread will see the sense in what you’re saying. Those that can’t be bothered to, well frankly shouldn’t be given that much weight (absolutely NOT a dig at you Hitme).
OP, solidarity and strength

But someone can have ADHD and also be an asshole!! My post earlier said the OPs mums
sounds very ADHD to me. (For context I am ADHD, my children are ADHD. I work with children with ADHD). But the thing that would upset me most is that the mum sounds as if she just doesn’t give two shits. Hence ADHD but also complete asshole! Being ND is not an excuse for refusing to acknowledge you’ve upset someone time and time again and to laugh it off as if they’re the one with the problem.

Essentially it doesn’t matter whether she is ND or not. The OP asked if she was BU to still be upset. And I think the general consensus is that no, she really isn’t (bar a few people missing the point and saying their DM’s have died so the OP should just suck it up!)

I give 2/10 to this crap attempt to provoke someone to anger by lecturing them about anger and lying about how calm and zen you are. All while ignoring the actual topic under discussion. It just barely scrapes past "u ok hun?", which is why it gets a 2.

Try again?

😂
Oh Wilma.

Did the nasty HitMe lady scare you with her big brain & assertive ways?

All the posts saying "maybe it's ADHD!" are crazy-making. Real lack of understanding of ADHD and/or the actual dynamic and history OP describes.

God MN and it's ND obsession. No way is this ND - people with ADHD dont maliciously ruin Christmas and then laugh about it! It's so unfair to people with ND to cover off every arsehole with a 'oh they must have ADHD. Some people are just wankers.

OP - I hope you have a better Christmas this year.

I wasn't talking about you, @KettrickenSmiled, even though this seems to have become your thread now rather than the OP's. I was specifically talking about the many people on the thread, and on the site in general, who do seem to be stuck in an unproductive, unnuanced place of anger. No blame attaching to that, but it's not a good place to stay, and not - long-term, as I said - good advice for the OP, imo.

And to the many people who have accused me of having no understanding of narcissistic parenting, well, you couldn't be more wrong, actually. I understand it very well and have survived it and then some. I just saw the OP's mother's behaviour as stemming from attentional problems, rather than the attentional problems stemming from narcissism. Her drip feed somewhat changes my perspective, though I would need to know more to really decide what I think (and before everyone piles on, I'm not actually asking to know more, it's nothing to do with me).

I still think OP would be surprised by the outcome of an ADHD assessment for her mother. And I also think, as someone who actually has some psychiatry training to back up my opinions, that narcissistic behaviour (if that's what it is) has causes, which it can be helpful - again, speaking long-term - for a narcissist's victim to understand. That's not at all the same as saying that people shouldn't acknowledge, feel or explore anger, still less that women specifically aren't allowed to acknowledge, feel or explore anger, which isn't what I said and certainly isn't what I think.

Some people have ND, and are wankers. It's perfectly possible to observe both.

Does mum have any undiagnosed learning difficulties? I know someone (a family member) who behaves very similar to this and always has done. They are now in their early 70s not diagnosed with any learning difficulties or issues but I'm convinced there has always been some kind of learning difficulty, it's incredibly frustrating to have them mess up time and time again it's almost like they are a child that needs someone else to take charge and do everything for them, they just cannot cope or manage any kind of responsibility I definitely think there's always been some undiagnosed issue(with my relative) and I've always said if they were growing up in this era they would have been diagnosed with something by now. I've given up with my relative and just have to step in and take charge with everything it's almost like having another child.