To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

YANBU I got stressed just reading about all the stuff she's done! Hope you have a lovely Christmas this year.

She sounds like she has a personality disorder. She’s not right. Concentrate on yourself and DD and insulate yourselves from her as much as you can.

This is exactly like my mum. She invites people round then fails to prepare, and we arrive to a cold, untidy house with nothing cooking in the kitchen.

Her slogan is 'I was just about to do it'.

She won't change, so you have to accept it and make your own arrangements. We've moved Christmas elsewhere now to 'save her all that work' ie to actually eat and to sit in a welcoming atmosphere.

Well, it sounds like you have a whole life time of anger and I don't blame you! Unless you seriously intend to have it all out and suffer any emotional consequences with her what is the point? She will only minimise or play the victim in some way and you will feel even more frustrated and it could spoil Christmas for you and your family. If you want to talk to her wait until Christmas is over now. You might even want to book a couple of counselling sessions so that you can explore your family dynamics/do it with support. Perhaps channel your anger this Christmas in showing her how to do Christmas dinner really well!

Only if it's a velociraptor,we don't want any of those boring,veggie ones.

Lots of people here are stuck in a place of anger. My heartfelt advice is not to be one of them.

I think there are nuances in how we handle that anger, & lots of us are no longer "stuck" by it, but have learned how to channel it usefully. That's not being "stuck", it's working with an inevitable strand of complex human emotional responses, selecting one when appropriate, staying in control of it by being able to switch it off at will, using it to focus energy & willpower.

That's normal, & healthy. For me & a few people I know anyway, your experience may be quite different @AllNightDiner!
Just like grieving for a dead loved one involves sadness - that doesn't mean the bereaved person has to be "stuck" in sadness. It takes time to learn how to manage it as per the anger example. It will always be there, it will always resurface at some point - but it becomes more manageable. More a source of information & motivation than an over-riding force we are "stuck" in.

Honestly, I get ithr irritation but put it into perspective. My mum died when she was 46 and I would give up anything to ear sausage and mash with her just one time.

A view from a slightly older man...in the past women were told that being "ditsy" was attractive...think Lucile Ball. And that men like to think they are clever because they can work the tv etc.
Has your mum fallen in to the role of being cute and dotty...I know of a woman in her 30s who does this so others do things for her

As has already been explained to another poster, I am very sorry you lost your parent but not everyone has a good relationship with their parents. It’s not fair to project your grief to guilt someone into accepting a dysfunctional relationship with a relative, because you miss yours.

YANBU this would really piss me off as well, particularly against the backdrop of the school uniform and the million other irritating things she has probably done.

My mum was like this too. A SAHM that was late to pick us up from primary school every single day despite not working and living a 10 minute drive away. She clearly expected the poor teachers to just sit with us until she could be bothered to turn up. Always with an airy ‘oh dear is that the time, sorry I got caught up in something’.

Letters to parents never read, always forgot when it was non school uniform day, ‘forgot’ to make packed lunches until we were in a rush in the morning so it would just be a banana and penguin bar or something.

Drove me fucking nuts. She always remembered things and appointments for herself though.

Well said @Flapjackquack 👏

Were they also told it was attractive to turn on the waterworks and tell everyone how horrible you are when you tell them to stop it?

That's where the "ooh, what am I like" persona fails....when people don't respond positively to you and suddenly all the cutesy ditsiness turns to snarling.

What’s that got to do with OP? Her mum is still alive and annoying her, so she’s complaining (with good reason). Someone else’s sad story has no relevance to this thread.

And when she was alive, there were times she pissed you right off.

Wow there's a lot of unkind people on here. I'm trying to add a different perspective as from what I read the OP seemed to keen to "forgive". I thought I was helping to do that.

This is a great comment.

It’s not a different perspective, you missing your Mum, whilst very sad, is not relevant to the OP’s situation. It’s not ok to push that on OP who has experienced an abusive upbringing due to her Mum’s behaviour.

You were doing the same guilt trip as previous posters and completely ignoring the real issue. As if OP is struggling to forgive her mother for nothing more than accidentally making a hash of one Christmas dinner after trying her best.

It does sound as if your mum may be ND. But this isn’t an excuse and I can completely understand your anger. I would be bloody fuming as well. You offered and offered to help and gave her frequent reminders about everything so there’s no reason she should have fucked this up really. I’m ADHD and there are things I’m really scatty about. To NT people it must be like “why can’t you just get your shit organised and have what you need and be on time?” And I get it. It is frustrating for others to witness. But that doesn’t mean that I don’t understand my shortcomings and when it’s something as important as this I would have made bloody sure I planned and checked and tried my absolute hardest to get it right. It beggars belief how she managed to forget the actual turkey! And if that meant accepting help then so be it. Sounds as if your mum overpromised without thinking it through and totally disregarded how important this was to you and your family. She clearly seems not to care about the effect her behaviour has on others. She’s happy thinking it’s just cute and scatty and funny. It’s not. And she doesn’t seem to care. And I think I would find that part more upsetting than her messing up the dinner. For context, I once forgot the potatoes on Christmas Day but I realised my mistake in the morning and I managed to sort it out with help from my friend. We laughed about it but I was mortified! I did not serve up frozen chips and laugh it off when my guests looked on horrified.

Try your perspective with added Cluster-B clusterfucks, & you'll find adult survivors of abusive parents who don't get to enjoy the simple luxury of feeling we'd give up anything to have our abuser parent back.

Many of us have spent considerable time as children feeling that we'd give up anything for that parent to go away. Or to at least stop hurting us.

Once they're gone, for the luckier & more well-adjusted survivors, the mourning tends to be more in the form of "I'd give up anything for that parent to have been happy & normal, & able to give more than the odd scrap of conditional ownership love."

And that's a BIG achievement. We don't tell survivors of violent criminals to put those crimes into perspective. Because if a stranger had done to us what our parent did, they'd be locked up & we'd be 'allowed' to hate them for it without others giving out sanctimonious instructions to put child-crippling sociopathy into perspective.

Sorry for the rant Solitaire, I have no wish to upset you & if I have, that is my responsibility & I apologise for it. But it needs saying - not AT you, if that makes sense - but for increased understanding of the stupendous lifelong impacts many adult survivors of ACE, CA & CSA are managing, often 'invisibly'.

I'm sorry you miss your mum so much, am glad you had her, & wish you many happy memories of your good times together, like the lovely family ordinariness of sharing a favourite simple meal with her.

Thank you for your kind comment@RegularNameChangerVersion21 - my shortish post at Today 19:26 was the work of 5 minutes thinking time & 6 decades of hard-earned insights. It felt good to have it acknowledged as more than a glib statement. I suspect you'll know why

She sounds seriously toxic.

my family are a tiny bit like this, always somehow manage to spoil things. I cope by making my plans bomb proof with regards to them, they are never in an important role, or giving any one a lift, or bringing important food.

well done you for surviving it. I’d try to move into a observing role with your dm. Make sure she cannot impact the things you care about and then just watch her try to create chaos.

Plan yourself an epic Christmas dinner. Ask her to bring something specific as dd ‘really likes it’ then just be amused as she fucks it up

I’m sorry for your loss but, as you’d know if you’d read the thread and seen that this had already been addressed, such a ‘perspective’ is not remotely helpful.

I also lost my Mum young. But that doesn’t mean everyone else on earth isn’t allowed to be hurt and upset by difficult relationships with their mothers.

Negating people’s hurt and upset, and top-trumping them is really not OK.

Again. I’m sorry for your loss.

@Flapjackquack We squabbled like overheated 12 year olds elsethread lately - but I'm not too stubborn to own that you are on fucking fire here. 😍

Much appreciate all your posts on this thread today.

Pax?

people with autism aren’t thick 👍🏼