To still be annoyed at my mum about Christmas dinner last year?

[StillFumin]

I wish I could get over this as I’m sure I’ll be told I’m being petty and unreasonable but I just can’t seem to get over my anger!

So my mum ruins Christmas dinner every year. She either buys stuff too early so it goes out of date, burns something, undercooks something, forgets a key ingredient (like the fucking turkey one year!) or forgets to turn the oven on etc etc

After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.

Last year she kept asking us to go there again. I kept saying no and making excuses but she made me feel guilty and I eventually caved. I did tell her though that DD was excited about Christmas dinner for the first time ever and we’d promised her “posh stuffing”, cranberry sauce, pigs in blankets etc and she couldn’t wait. My mum said that was no problem, she’d get everything.

Nearing Christmas I kept asking her “have you got the stuffing? Have you got the pigs in blankets? Do you need me to get anything … she said she had it all under control.

2 days before Christmas I rang her and ran through the list making sure she’d got everything. She said yes. I asked her if she’d defrosted the turkey - she said she was doing it “today”.

So Christmas Day arrives, we got there - DD all excited - my mum says “I’m so sorry, you’ll never believe what I’ve done … “

Already starting to burn up with fury I said “what”.

She’d forgotten to take the turkey out of the freezer. I was fuming. DD says “are we not having Christmas dinner now?” And my mum says “I’ve got sausages in, will that be ok?”

DD does not eat sausages and I don’t particularly fancy frozen Richmond sausages on Christmas Day either. DD starts getting upset at the thought of sausages.

I say “I’ve got gammon at home, I’ll drive back and get it” my mum says “oh, ok … what do you want with it? Mash?”

I say “just whatever you were doing with Christmas dinner!!” She says “but it’s all frozen - with us not having turkey I didn’t think you’d want the other stuff?”

So we have no Christmas dinner and you want to compensate with sausage and mash? I was beyond fuming and I still am!! I know in the grand scheme of things it’s a non event and over now but I’m still so angry about it!!

Long history of her doing stuff like this which adds to the annoyance.

This year I’m doing Christmas dinner and DD is again excited. I’ve invited my mum but told her I’m doing everything and want no help or interference. She keeps asking if I’m still mad at her. I’ve said no but deep down … grrrr!!!

Unbelievable, have you not realised it's time you cooked xmas dinner for your mum after all the years she has cooked for you!

Do you want to go back and re-read the OP? It’s right there in paragraph 3:

”After many years of “hilarious” disaster Christmas dinners we stopped going and did our own at home.”

And you are still angry a year later because she forgot to defrost the turkey ?

Things like that will give you so many giggles in years to come when your mum is no longer with you

It's just a meal ....
Get some perspective

Have you read the thread? Totally tone deaf response

Now go and read the thread.

I think we're long lost sisters, my mum is the same. She doesn't touch 'buttons' so stands in a lift until someone else touches the floor button then does some kind of giggle. Goes into the bank to get her money out, no mobile phone, internet, burns everything.

It is draining...

I’m so annoyed for you, your mum sounds like a secret bully who is doing things to deliberately hurt you or wind you up. She might even be jealous of you. I would let yourself go and scream at her, everything else you have done so far hasn’t got through! Altho she would obvs then turn it into a victim thing of course. I have a mother like yours in that sense, but she’s the opposite when it comes to organisation, especially food, thank goodness! I really feel for you and I’m not at all surprised that you’re annoyed still at her. She sounds like an irritating insect that keeps biting you. Exasperating. Sending lots of strength to you! Xx

And you are still angry a year later because she forgot to defrost the turkey ?

Of course not. But that's exactly what the mother is trying to make it look like. So that people like you will be manipulated into making OP the petty one and the bad guy.

If you read even just the OP and think it's actually about her forgetting to defrost the turkey, you've completely missed everything. But that's what these types want you to do.

What on earth is going on with all the crappy not reading the thread shitty to OP posts? Is that all the posters who think and act like the DM?

Sounds like classic ADHD to me.

As I already said upthread, as far as I’m aware, people with ADHD don’t relish being total dicks to loved ones, and then gaslight them when they’re upset by said actions.

You're rather ridiculous. Rtft.

Narcissist. Want to ruins everyone's lives at all costs and make themselves the centre of attention. Avoid

Perhaps she's not well. You don't say how old she is.

Oh, you are absolutely NBU to still be miffed over this, and another Christmas triggers it all over again. HOWEVER...try to turn loose, once this Christmas is past. Don't ever put your family in that position again, continue inviting her, but let go of the bad feelings. You do NOT want this coloring every Christmas going forward.

Whatever. You've probably just saved me a permanent ban with your post to that glib, non-RTFT'ing, sanctifeckinmonious twaddle.
Ooops. Unless i get done for that ^^

Cheers, HitMe

A question was asked, and I replied. Her mother wanted to spend Christmas with her, I don’t see this as abuse just a women with other things on her mind and different priorities. There are many reasons a person is forgetful not just because they have dementia.

Ah no. I have struggled womanfully not to bite your head off but this cannot not pass @Christi0
Just because YOU don't see it, doesn't mean it isn't there.
I will be as polite as is manageable here but you are obvs ones of those posters who jumps into a distressing & psychologically complex thread without even reading the first post properly because you reckon you know what's going on just by reading the thread title.
If you had any fucking idea how much shocking abuse & emotional neglect our brave OP has survived, you wouldn't have tried to big yourself up by victim-blaming her & telling her she's responsible for the decades trauma & gaslighting inflicted on her.

If you've not had to live through it yourself of course you wont immediately understand all the nuances, & that's fine. But not being able to read between the lines is no excuse for only bothering to read the title, & making a tit of yourself by (I hope accidentally) defending a Cluster-B type child abuser.

@KettrickenSmiled - thank you for posting that as you’ve put it much more eloquently than the very short response I was about to type.

Have read this thread and your posts with interest - food for thought here.

OP - YANBU. I hope you and your family have a lovely Christmas.

Thank you @Furries & various PP have done the same for me this evening - pleasure to have given similar service.

Initially read your name as FURIES, a hint to get off the thread for now, d'ya reckon? 😂Warm thoughts to OP & all who sail with her.

It’s quite remarkable the extent to which people come on here and willingly parade their stupidity and lack of any sort of thinking ability.

I mean, I know it’s anonymous and all.

But still, having people read your posts and not care that people think (know) you’re incredibly thick is, um…. ‘stunningly brave’. Or something ….

I know someone like this and I don't think you should be trying to get over it

The person I know lets people down in important things at the last minute. She's grand for cooking because that's her comfort zone. But she has phoned at the last minute to say she can't give someone a lift home from the hospital after major surgery after all because she's not feeling up to it, knowing full well that the person had literally no other option but to walk half a mile home off their head on painkillers and with the risk of fainting, falling, being jostled, popping stitches. She thinks she can just walk away from a situation she doesn't want to engage with and is upset when people are angry with her when she does this.

I've asked her to help out only once. Lesson learned. Thank goodness my situation wasn't life or death or something like the lift from the hospital.

I think it's more than learned helplessness, though the lack of wanting to come across as a serious, reliable person is part of it. Maybe arrested development?

I think there's a very angry passive aggressive streak behind it too imo. There's resentment that other people want something from her and she's required to fulfill an obligation. A bit like pathological demand avoidance but in a quiet way and laughed off as a "Get me! I'm such a flake!" joke, but the joke is on tbe people who have taken her at her word.

@Windtunnel - YYY to repressed anger. I get a strong sense that this is going on with the person I know, based on what I know of her upbringing.

@Userg1234

Yes, I agree with you - being ditsy was considered an attractive trait in women, and some incorporated the affectation into their personalities.

I think this is part of what the OP's mother is doing, but I don't think it's the entire picture. It's acceptable for women to be like this (or at least it used to be) and for men to be domineering twats, or to buy stupid presents because they start their shopping on Christmas Eve, or forget important dates, or do household chores really badly, etc. Rigid gender roles and all that...

It's handy as an acceptable way to give plausible deniability too. Certainly it's part of what the person I've had a brush with does.

But most healthy, well-adjusted people want to at least fake being a responsible adult, if not every day, then at least on important occasions. There is some hiccup in the emotional and psychological development of people who never try to present themselves as grownups, people who let others down time and time again, who persistently refuse to live up to the demands of the moment, who won't say straight up, "No, please get someone else or bribe a taxi driver to take you home from the hospital. I don't feel comfortable driving in the city", or "Please, I can't deal with the pressure of producing Christmas dinner - let's consider another way of doing it".

Getting angry when others call them on it, point out how their actions have affected them, whimpering about good intentions, how put upon everyone is making them feel, or hinting that the people they've hurt are bitter, etc is when the behaviour turns into gaslighting.

She asking cause she wants you to say yes I think

@HitMeWithAHotNoteAndWatchMeBounce

Thank You for constantly pointing this out about adhd.

People with ADHD do not gaslight and ridicule and abuse. (Some might but it’s not adhd causing it)
If you have ADHD (yes officially diagnosed) everything can be a jumbled overwhelmed mess in your head. Lots of things get forgotten, many things half done and a trail of destruction can appear 5 minutes after a room is tidy.
Lists and alarms are created and then ignored, alarms to look at lists are created and forgotten….. appointments sometimes missed, sometimes late.
But… if anything really matters there is always a way. I never am late getting my children to school or picking them up. I remember to shop for food, and I ensure that Christmas is all sorted… every… single… year because it’s on the same day!!!